Sean Kelly: You were never backward about being forward.

Sean Kelly: If you lay a hand on me again, I'll be mailing it back to you.

Dermot: There's a time in every relationship when you'll both bend over to pick something up and hit your heads together. Best to get it out of the way.

Marcy Tizard: Is this a humiliate-the-tourist scenario?

Sean Kelly: [nodding] No.

Sean Kelly: Things rarely go according to one's youthful, heroic master plans.

O'Hara of Aran Isle: Tell me, is that fella Dermot O'Brien still conning tourists into marrying complete strangers?

Marcy Tizard: I take it you've never had need of his services?

O'Hara of Aran Isle: Feck off! Me and Eileen, childhood sweethearts. Ah God, I miss her sometimes. That's her there.

[indicates a picture hanging on the wall]

Marcy Tizard: Oh, pretty. I'm sorry, when did she pass away?

O'Hara of Aran Isle: Huh? Oh Jesus, she's not dead! She's away on her holidays!

Marcy Tizard: Oh God, I'm sorry! I misunderstood...

O'Hara of Aran Isle: [laughs hysterically] God, that's priceless! Oh geez, I must remember that! Ha ha! Well, will you have some coffee? You will, you will, you will, you will...

Senator John McGlory: [as reporters surround his limo] Yes, yes, I hate you all. When I'm President I'll have you all killed.

Sean Kelly: You could never live here.

Marcy Tizard: What makes you say that?

Sean Kelly: You're a big city kind o' girl. You're-you're Mary Tyler Moore.

Marcy Tizard: Oh, yes. I am so very Mary Tyler Moore. Everyone says so.

Sean Kelly: No, but you're- It's like you need to be hooked up to the city otherwise your batteries go flat.

Marcy Tizard: Okay. So, I'm like a battery operated Mary Tyler Moore? If you flatter me any more I'm gonna have to toss your pale, Irish ass off the side of this boat.

Sean Kelly: Let me make an honest woman of you. Divorce me !

Sean Kelly: So, looking up the Senator's roots. There must be an election coming up.

Marcy Tizard: He just wants to find his ancestors.

Marcy Tizard: His ancestors? You mean like all those other American politicians trying to secure the Irish vote?

Sean Kelly: Maybe his ancestors were leprechauns. Now that would be good, wouldn't it? That'd get the leprechaun vote.

Marcy Tizard: They can't vote. Too small. Can't reach the ballot box.

Moira Kelly: It's like gum in your hair. It comes out eventually.

Sean Kelly: Sometimes the easy way out is the right way out.

Marcy Tizard: Is being an idiot like being high all the time?

Sean Kelly: No, it's like being constantly right.

Marcy Tizard: I... I... I long to fax someone

Sean Kelly: I have a fax.

Marcy Tizard: [gasps] You do!

Marcy Tizard: It's so beautiful here. If it just had the New York Times, it would be perfect.

Sarah Kelly: You should come to the dance, Marcy, come and have a bit o' craic.

Marcy Tizard: Crack?

Sarah Kelly: Yah, it's brilliant craic.

Marcy Tizard: By crack I'm assuming that you don't mean incredibly hard drugs.

Sarah Kelly: Oh no! It just means havin' a laugh, like havin' a bit o' fun!

Nick: Okay. Plan 2.

Senator John McGlory: You mean Plan B?

Nick: Plan B, 2, what's the difference?

Senator John McGlory: What's Plan B-2?

Senator John McGlory: I always thought you were just really good at your job. But you really are an asshole, aren't you?

Nick: They go hand in hand, Senator.

Tony with the 45 Minute Tan: I'll tell you me favorite color; bollix!

Marcy Tizard: [gasps] You little slut.

Bettina: I'm sorry?

Marcy Tizard: I said good morning.

Marcy Tizard: Yes, hello? I'd like to call the United States from the SMALLEST FUCKING ROOM IN THE WORLD!

Millie O'Dowd: The management reserves the right to refuse admission to old farts!

Marcy Tizard: What do you think, tending bar in a tasteless shirt is a more profound and valid way to spend your time?

Sean Kelly: Yes, I do think that tending bar in a tasteless shirt is a more profound and valid use of my time, yes I do, that's why I do it.

Marcy Tizard: He's crazy! He threw a rock at me!

Sean Kelly: What do you mean he threw a rock at you? He threw a rock at both of us.

Marcy Tizard: Well say something in Irish to him. Maybe he'll like you better.

Marcy Tizard: Go back to your wife!

Sean Kelly: My EX-wife. We're going through with the divorce.

Marcy Tizard: They don't have divorce in Ireland.

Sean Kelly: They do. It just got in.

Marcy Tizard: Hey Paddy! Paddy! Guess what! I'm gonna stay here and fuck these two guys.

Local Lad No. 1: [to his friend] And you wanted to go see a film.

Marcy Tizard: Excuse me. Dermot O'Brien might have arranged...

Fisherman: Dermot fecking O'Brien! Look, I'm not interested in getting married. I'm not interested at all at all. Tell him I'm gay or something.

Marcy Tizard: No, you don't understand. It's...

Fisherman: Oh God! Another fecking Yank as well. Who am I, huh? Aristotle O-fecking-nassis?

Sean Kelly: [Says something in Irish to the irate Aran Islander]

Marcy Tizard: What did you say to him?

Sean Kelly: I asked him if I could use his toilet.

Marcy Tizard: Impressive.

Sean Kelly: Yeah, well, it's the one little bit of Irish every school kid has to know because if you don't... well, if you don't say it in Irish, then you don't get out of the class, and if you don't get out of the class, then you go in your pants...

Marcy Tizard: Okay, I got it!

Paul: Me friend would like a dance with you. And let me tell you, the man is hung like a stallion.

Marcy Tizard: How do *you* know?

Dermot: Brigid won't be talking to you today because her teeth are away being repaired.

Marcy Tizard: Wow, he must really like that dog...