Being John Malkovich (1999)

Orson Bean: Dr. Lester

Photos 

Quotes 

• Dr. Lester : I've been very lonely in my isolated tower of indecipherable speech.

• [During a job interview] 

  Dr. Lester : Which of these two letters comes first, this one or this one?

  Craig Schwartz : The symbol on the left is not a letter, sir?

  Dr. Lester : Damn, you're good. I was trying to trick you.

• Dr. Lester : Don't toy with Floris, Schwartz.

  Craig Schwartz : Oh, no.

  Dr. Lester : If I was 80 years younger, I'd box your ears.

  Craig Schwartz : I wasn't toying with her sir, I wouldn't - pardon me, how old are you, sir?

  Dr. Lester : 105. Carrot juice, lots of it. I swear, sometimes it's not worth it. I piss orange. And I have to piss sitting down like a goddamn girlie-girl every fifteen minutes. But, nobody wants to die!

• Dr. Lester : She's got her doctorate in speech impedimentology from Case Western.

• Dr. Lester : Any questions?

  Craig Schwartz : Just one. Why are these ceilings so low?

  Dr. Lester : Low overhead, my boy - we pass the savings on to you! But seriously, that'll all be covered in the orientation.

• Dr. Lester : Hello, Mr. Juarez.

  Craig Schwartz : Dr. Lester, My name is Craig Schwartz, a small mixup with your secretary...

  Dr. Lester : [into intercom]  Security!

• Dr. Lester : Floris, get Guinness on the phone.

  Floris : Right away, Dr. Lester. Genghis Khan Capone.

• Dr. Lester : Nubile. Blondes. Wet with desire. Me in leather. A harness, if you like. And all eyes, Craig, are upon me, as I speak. "Ladies," I begin, "I am the love god Eros." They like that. "I intoxicate you. My spunk is to you manna from heaven."

  Craig Schwartz : Dr. Lester, this is all very - fascinating and stuff, but, I gotta get back home and my wife...

  Dr. Lester : Oh, you have a wife! I'd like to meet her, Craig.

  Craig Schwartz : Yes, sir.

  Dr. Lester : Shall we say dinner Thursday? You can "come" too if you like.

  [chuckles] 

  Dr. Lester : You get that? That was a joke! Did you hear what I said? You can "come" too. That was a joke.

• Dr. Lester : Ah to be a young man again, eh, Schwartz?

  [laughs] 

  Dr. Lester : Maybe then Floris would care for me.

  Craig Schwartz : But the elderly have so much to offer, sir. they're our link with history.

  Dr. Lester : I don't want to be your goddamn link, damn you. I want to feel Floris' naked thighs next to mine. I want my body to inspire lust in that beautiful complex women. I want her to shiver with a spasm of ecstasy, Schwartz, as I penetrate her...

  Craig Schwartz : Dr. Lester, while I'm flattered you would share your feeling with me, perhaps the workplace is not the most suitable environment for this type of discussion.

  Dr. Lester : All right, your right. All right I tell you what: Meet me after work today at Jerry's juiceteria on Lex, and I'll spill my goddamn guts for you.

• Craig Schwartz : It's just a little mix up with your secretary. My name is Craig Schwartz. I tried to explain that to her.

  Dr. Lester : She's not my secretary. She's what they call an executive liaison. And I am not *banging* her, if that's what you're implying.