Mr. Zadir: [Interrupts Doug explaining his concept for a night club] Wait a minute, did you just grab my ass?

Doug Butabi: No.

Mr. Zadir: Do you want to?

Doug Butabi: [Confused but wanting to impress Mr. Zadir] No... shh... shh... should I?

Mr. Zadir: [laughs] Okay, continue.

Doug Butabi: So anyways, I was standing there waiting to use the pay phone.

Steve Butabi: Yeah, he was, seriously.

Doug Butabi: And this guy who was on the phone, turns around and tips his hat like this.

Steve Butabi: And who do you think that guy was?

Doug Butabi: Emilio Estevez.

Steve Butabi: The Mighty Duck man, I swear to God, I was there.

Doug Butabi: Of course you were, you were the one who yelled the Breakfast Clubber's name.

Steve Butabi: I was like, "Emilio."

Steve Butabi: I'm used to seeing Doug behind the register. I miss him.

Kamehl Butabi: He's in the guest house. It's 10 feet away. It's a mansion in there.

Steve Butabi: It doesn't have cable.

Kamehl Butabi: Yes it does. It has Cinemax!

Steve Butabi: But there's no HBO! GOD!

[runs off crying]

Mr. Zadir: Dooey, did you just grab my ass?

Dooey: Sir, from where I'm standing, that's a physical impossibilty.

Mr. Zadir: Oh, I know your tricks, Dooey!

Doug Butabi: Idiot.

Craig: You know Doug, just because you and your brother are having problems, that's no reason to refer to my intellectual capacity in a diminutive manner.

Father Williams: Steve, repeat after me.

Steve Butabi: After me.

Doug Butabi: [Yelling at his dad] Are you seeing planes? Is your name Tattoo? Because I swear to God, you're living on Fantasy Island.

Steve: [Interrupts] Man, that was a sweet show!

Doug Butabi: [to Steve in agreement] Yeah it was, wasn't it?

Doug Butabi: You can take away our phones and you can take away our keys, but you can NOT take away our dreams.

Steve Butabi: Yeah, because we're, like, sleeping when we have them.

Steve Butabi: Oh my God, Doug. This is the most amazing place I've ever been.

Richard Grieco: Guys, guys. This is the coat room. The club's in here.

Doug Butabi: Broke the window again.

[lining up outside The Roxbury]

Doug Butabi: So... you want to dance?

Girl: We're not in the club yet.

Doug Butabi: Right.

Steve: Hey, nice bulbs, Emily. Oh, and I don't mean that metaphorically.

Security Guard: Nobody gets in unless they talk to the list.

Doug: We're on the list.

Security Guard: Name?

Steve: Steve and Doug Butabi.

Security Guard: You're brothers?

Doug: No...

DougSteve: YES.

Doug: Man. Works every time.

Security Guard: That's very funny.

Steve: Yeah, Doug's hilarious.

Cambi: I can't believe we actually had sex with these asswads.

[on his marriage]

Steve Butabi: Dad, is there any way I can get out of this?

Kamehl Butabi: [Mocking Steve and Doug's repeated joke] Yes... nooooooo.

[trying to pick up some women]

Doug Butabi: So... you guys wanna make out or what?

Kamehl Butabi: What I do understand is that you're going to a big new hot club tonight. Is that what it is?

Doug Butabi: That's right.

Steve Butabi: Exactly.

Kamehl Butabi: What I don't understand is how you're gonna get there.

[Kamehl takes their car keys]

Doug ButabiSteve Butabi: [In perfect synchronization] What are you doing? Go- Tsh. C'mo- Man!

Cambi: There you are. We got scared.

Doug: Of who, we'll kick his ass.

Cambi: No, we got scared someone stole you away from us.

Doug: Oh...

[Gets it]

Doug: OH, like some other girls would steal us away.

Steve: Oh...

Steve: [getting it] OH!

Kamehl Butabi: Richard Grieco, you see right through me.

Doug Butabi: [Doug reaches behind Cambi's neck and grabs the tag on her dress while they're sitting on the bed]

Cambi: What are you doing?

Doug Butabi: Checking your label. Just as I thought! Maaaade in heaven...

Cambi: [Irritated] Doug, I think you're past the opening lines.

Doug Butabi: [Swallows nervously] Hey, hey, hey! Is that a mirror in your pocket?

Cambi: What?

Cambi: 'Cause I can see myself in your pants!

Cambi: [Grabs Doug's collar and pulls him in close] Doug, if I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

Doug Butabi: [laughs nervously and then stops, shocked] Umm... What?

New Club Waiter: Mr. Zadir, Dooey just called from Pismo Beach. He says there's no way he could've grabbed your ass.

Mr. Zadir: What is he up to now?

Doug Butabi: [Speaking into the phone while Steve listens] Hi. You've reached Doug Butabi. I'm not here right now because I'm too busy outside living it up, unlike my pussy-whipped brother who's too busy throwing his life away for EMILY. Beep.

Steve: Hi! Doug! Sorry I missed you...

Craig: Man, I owe you...

[pulls out an energy bar called "Big Time"]

Craig: BIG TIME! For bringing me here!

Steve Butabi: Good, how are you?

Doug Butabi: About 8 o'clock, 8:15. Yeah, all the time.

Steve Butabi: BMW.

Doug Butabi: Right at sunset.

Steve Butabi: Vanilla mostly.

Steve: What's up?

Hottie Cop: Did you know you were doing 50?

Doug Butabi: [whispers to Steve] Hottie cop likes you.

Steve: Does not.

Doug Butabi: Think she pulls over just anybody? Make a move.

Steve: What's up?

Hottie Cop: Just giving you an $80 ticket.

Doug Butabi: [whispers to Steve] She is *so* into you

Hottie Cop: I want you to do me a favor.

Steve: What ever you say, "T.J. Hooker".

Hottie Cop: [laughs] Please obey all posted speed limits. Have a good night

Steve: It's already been good, now that you have served and protected me.

[Hottie cop leaves]

Doug Butabi: Way to go my friend! Not only did you got her badge number, but you got a date to meet her at the Municipal State Court. Up top!

[High Five]

Doug Butabi: Very nice!

[High Five]

Doug Butabi: [Steve slaps Doug hard across the face] What was the point of that?

Steve: Sorry...

Dooey: [Obviously angry] Those cans of fluffy whip were a real big hit at the party. Mr. Zadir had me out until two A.M. looking for more.

Steve: From dusk 'til dawn. You, sir, are a party animal!

Cambi: Yeah, yeah, Joanie loves Chachi, but does Chachi give a flyin' fuck about Joanie?

Barbara Butabi: Steve, don't hit on the bridesmaid. It's your wedding.

Kamehl Butabi: Can you wait until after the ceremony please?

Doug Butabi: Why go out for a burger when you got steak at home?

Steve: Yeah, we should go for lunch after this.

[repeated line]

Richard Grieco: I just don't want to be sued.

Kamehl Butabi: What are you doing? You come in to my store and cut up my plants and make toys of them!

Doug Butabi: It's *NOT* a toy! It's a club with a jungle theme!

Kamehl Butabi: You're a jungle theme!

Steve: What's up? Wanna dance?

Vivica: Yes.

Steve: Alright, take it easy.

Doug Butabi: Steve, she said yes!

Steve: ...what?

Doug Butabi: [a security guard is dragging Doug out of the building by his ankle] That doesn't feel good at all!

Doug Butabi: Dad would be really proud of us right now.

Kamehl Butabi: What are you idiots doing?

Kamehl Butabi: [seeing Steve and Doug in kitchen] Ah, look who's gracing us with their presence.

Steve: Who?

Credit Vixen: [Last lines; "What Is Love" starts playing] Oh, I love this song.

Hottie Cop: Me too.

Steve: Actually, I'm getting kind of sick of it.