Samuel: I have to wear a fake fuckin' ass over my ass!

Hannah: This may come as a shock to you, but I think your padded ass is silly.

Sam: Sweet 'stache.

Frank: Thanks, bro.

Sam: He's in the Jewish Mafia. It's probably more like a club than an organization.

Eddie: Sam this man is in the mafia, he's not going to let us off the hook if we give him a fucking basket of sundry goods

SAm: Oh, but he's in the Jewish mafia, I'm sure that's more of like a club than a criminal organization

Frank: (on the phone with Hannah) I'm wearing a mustache now. It's growin' in real good.

Veal Chop: [talking to Same and Eddie about Hannah] I tried to put my tongue in her mouth and she punched me in the penis.

Bernie: I know that daughter I tried to set Veal Chop on a date with her.

Veal Chop: I tried to put my tongue in her mouth and she punched me in the penis.

Sam: [to Hannah] Remember me? I tried robbing your house... and you caught me.

Veal Chop: Are you psyched to become a man?

Little Big Fat: I don't know.

[Rehearsing what he's going to say to Hannah when she answers the door]

Sam: Would you like a Halls?

Hannah's dad: I once sold a woman a pair of exploding slacks.

Sam: And who am I speaking with?

Bernie Jr: This is Big Fat Bernie Gale Jr.

Sam: Oh hello, Little Big Fat.

Veal Chop: By the time I get home, flip on Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, I'm looking at 36 thousand of his hard earned female deer

M.C. Victor: From the floor to the ceiling, how ya feeling? From the bris to this, he can't miss. From the Wailing Wall to the reception hall, to all y'all. Put your hands together for Big Fat Bernie Gayle Junior.

Eddie: Hey! What's going on back there? (pats Samuel's ass)

Samuel: It's nothing.

Eddie: I could feel it, back there. (beat)

Samuel: If you had to deal with, like, half the shit I've been through this past year, you would strap on one of these fuckers. Just like me, you'd strap it on.

Eddie: It's a long time to work without getting anything in return.

[Server sets down bottle of mustard on table]

Eddie: IT'S A LONG FUCKING TIME!

Samuel: [to server] He's not talking to you.