Lee Butters: You have the right to remain silent, so shut the fuck up, okay? You have the right to an attorney. If you can't afford an attorney, we'll provide you with the dumbest fucking lawyer on earth. If you get Johnny Cochrane, I'll kill ya!

Martin Riggs: Oh. *Leo*.

Leo Getz: Hey, Riggs.

Martin Riggs: You want to get yourself shot? Is that it?

Leo Getz: No.

Martin Riggs: What the hell are you doing here?

Leo Getz: I was tailing you

Leo Getz: I'll leave you alone, okay? I mean, I guess you want to be alone

Martin Riggs: Okay,I appreciate it

Leo Getz: You know, when I was a kid, I had a pet frog

Martin Riggs: What?

Leo Getz: Just give me a second. Let me tell you this, okay?

Leo Getz: Uh, I had this pet frog, his name was Froggy. He was my best friend in the whole world. I didn't have a lot of friends. As a matter of fact... okay I had no friends, and uh, I used to kiss the frog, too. I thought maybe, uh, that it would turn into a princess since I was a boy, and uh, it could be my mother. They told me that she left or something, and my father was no bargain, and so just the frog. Froggy was my friend and I really loved him, and I took him everywhere with me, and I was riding on my bike one day and he jumped out of the box, and uh, I ran him over with the back tire. I killed him. I was really heartbroken. Really, he was my best friend in the whole world; the only thing I ever loved. And then I met you and Roger, and you guys really looked after me a lot more then you had to.

Martin Riggs: Geez, we're terrible to you, Leo.

Leo Getz: No no, it's okay, it's okay. You are my family. You are my friends. You are not better friends than Froggy. You're just different, and, uh, I just thought that *maybe* that might be relevant. Okay. I'll leave you alone now.

Leo Getz: Leo Getz, private investigator.

Martin Riggs: [into phone with fake accent] Private investigator? Yes, Mr. Getz, I was just wondering if you'd be willing to investigate my privates.

Leo Getz: Investigate what?

Martin Riggs: My privates, you stupid shit - shut the fuck up!

Martin Riggs: You sure picked a strange angel, baby. But I got the message.

Martin Riggs: You wanna get married, don'tcha?

Lorna: Yes I do.

Martin Riggs: Why didn't you tell me?

Lorna: Because I didn't want to put any pressure on you, Riggs. I mean, if you want to someday, that'd be great; if you don't, I love you. I'll take you any way I can get you, Riggs.

Leo Getz: Hey Riggs, who's the perp? What did ya bust him for?

Lee Butters: Oh, I'm a perp? You see a young brother in the back of a police car, automatically I'm a perp. Look at my suit, look at my tie. What do I look like, the fuckin' Crip's accountant? Look at this badge, bitch. Check out the gun.

Leo Getz: Whoa, hey hey hey, put the gun down, put the gun down.

Martin Riggs: What's goin' on Rog, why you lyin' to me? Where's the money coming from? IA says you're on the take.

Roger Murtaugh: You ever hear of Ebony Clarke?

Martin Riggs: Yeah, she writes those cheesy sex novels... why? You boinkin' her?

Roger Murtaugh: No I'm not boinkin' her, Trish is Ebony Clarke.

Martin Riggs: You *are* boinkin' her.

Roger Murtaugh: [big grin] Yeah, Yeah I'm boinkin' her.

Martin Riggs: Flied lice?

Uncle Benny: Flied lice? It's fried rice, you plick.

[Butters is pointing a gun at Leo's head after being mistaken for a perp]

Butters: License. Registration. Urine Sample.

Leo: Hey, hey, hey, German Jews didn't have it any easier when we were kids, so don't think you're the only one, okay? Okay? Besides, I was just kiddin' with ya. I can smell a cop a mile away.

Butters: Oh, I smell bad, what'chu trying to say?

Leo: Well, stop turning everything around. You're so damned touchy. Hey, we might even work together, me and those two work together, I'm the bomb, they'll tell ya, I'm great.

Butters: Yeah, we're gonna work together as soon as I open up a cereal factory, ya fucking leprechaun.

Leo: Hey, I didn't call you names, ya fuckface! Don't start now!

Roger Murtaugh: Since I met you, I done some hairy shit, but this is not gonna happen. I'm gonna be a grandfather; you and Lorna are gonna have a baby. He ain't worth dying for, Riggs. He ain't worth it.

Martin Riggs: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Hey, if he gets away, we can track him down later on with a - you know, with a Howitzer or somethin'. Your son-in-law's over there bleedin', we should get him and get the hell out of here. Anyway, it's rainin'.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, it's rainin'.

Martin Riggs: I'm too old for this shit, too.

Roger Murtaugh: Guy's too damned good.

Martin Riggs: Well, yeah, he's damn good. I mean, how did he do that thing with the gun? How the hell did he do that? I mean, he took my gun apart with one deft move. How did he do that? Huh? How?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah... okay. Let's go ask him.

Lee Butters: Somebody took my phone number and called Afghanistan. Afghanastan. I've never talked to anyone in Afghanistan, I don't know nobody in Afghanistan, and even if did know anyone, I wouldn't talk to that Afghan ass for three hours. I won't talk to my daddy for three hours.

Dr. Stephanie Woods: My time is reserved for police officers with REAL problems and REAL needs. HAVE YOU GOT THAT? HAVE YOU?

Martin Riggs: Care to run that by me again?

Dr. Stephanie Woods: No! And do you know what? I don't like you.

[she walks away]

Martin Riggs: Stephanie?

Dr. Stephanie Woods: [turns around, shocked] Stephanie...?

Martin Riggs: I can't go out with you. I'm in a relationship, I'm very happy. Now you'll find somebody someday, but you've got to stop bothering me...

Dr. Stephanie Woods: [painfully embarrassed] You're disgusting. YOU'RE DISGUSTING!

[to onlookers]

Dr. Stephanie Woods: What's the matter with you people?

[Looking at a corpse]

Butters: Ah, shit. He's dead, man. He's fuckin' dead, man. Yeah, this is how he wanted to come to America, right? Where was he, in The Killing Section? This guy's been shot 4 times. At close range, like he was executed.

Roger Murtaugh: He WAS executed.

Martin Riggs: Yeah, by the crew.

Butters: What the FUCK, man? We got people gettin' killed left, right and center in this town; now we're IMPORTING victims? Hey, gangbangers wanna kill each other? No problem. You or me, one of us gets shot? Hey, occupational hazard. But just a normal guy, THIS fuckin' guy? What the fuck did he ever do to anybody? That ain't right.

[Interrogating Uncle Benny in a dentist's office full of nitrous oxide]

Uncle Benny: I'm sleeping with my wife's two sisters.

Roger Murtaugh: You lucky sonofabitch.

Martin Riggs: Good for you, Uncle Benny.

Uncle Benny: Not so good when my wife finds out.

Leo Getz: They fuck ya, they fuck ya, they fuck ya.

[Riggs comes home]

Martin Riggs: Hey. You look a little banged up.

Lorna: Well, you look a little knocked up.

Martin Riggs: What I wouldn't give for a siren right now!

Roger Murtaugh: [sticking his head out the car window] Aawwwww!

Martin Riggs: So this must have been what Uncle Benny meant by Four Fathers. Looks like Japan's version of the Marx brothers. Let's see we got Groucho, Harpo, Chico, and uh, Fucko.

Lorna Cole: Nothing comes between a pregnant lady and a meal.

Roger Murtaugh: Since I met Riggs, I've had my house destroyed, my car wrecked, and now my BOAT SUNK. What's left?

Leo Getz: I think that's about it.

Martin Riggs: I'll draw his fire and you run for cover.

Roger Murtaugh: No. No, no, no. *I'll* draw his fire and *you* run for cover.

Martin Riggs: What are you, out of your mind? You got a wife, kids. I got a lot less to lose than you.

Roger Murtaugh: Riggs, I wasn't supposed to tell you this, but Lorna's pregnant and you're gonna be a father.

Martin Riggs: No. Get going. Get... what did you say?

Roger Murtaugh: You're gonna be a father.

Lorna Cole: I am getting married or there is no baby.

Martin Riggs: It's like...

Roger Murtaugh: You're getting too old for this shit.

Martin Riggs: Yeah.

Roger Murtaugh: How about that? Finally.

Martin Riggs: No, I can't be. I mean, I'm only... Jesus.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, you're only. You can't beat the clock, Riggs.

[Leo tries to find his bags on Roger's boat]

Leo: Okay, you said "aft," right?

Roger Murtaugh: A-F-T. Aft.

Leo: That's a fucking word?

Roger Murtaugh: In the back of the cabin on the right side, Leo.

Leo: Well, why didn't you say that in the first place, ROGER? I love these people. Put them around boats and water and all of the sudden everything becomes fucking nautical. "Astern. Avast you landlubbers. Man the bilge pumps." Pump your fucking ass.

[while the "Human Tank" is bearing down on them]

Martin Riggs: Here's what we're gonna do! Take your clothes off!

Roger Murtaugh: What the hell for?

Martin Riggs: What for?

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah!

Martin Riggs: Okay, you run, Flame-O here turns and sees you in your undies, it distracts him - I know it'd distract me - and that's when I shoot!

Roger Murtaugh: Shoot what?

Martin Riggs: The valve on that napalm tank!

Roger Murtaugh: You're gonna hit that itty-bitty valve before he shoots me?

Martin Riggs: Maybe.

Roger Murtaugh: *Maybe*?

[while the "Human Tank" is bearing down on them]

Roger Murtaugh: Is he black?

Martin Riggs: Too much armor on, I can't tell!

Roger Murtaugh: No, not him! The father of the baby!

Martin Riggs: ...Okay!

Roger Murtaugh: Oh, please let him be black!

Martin Riggs: So who's the lucky, soon-to-be-dead son-in-law?

Martin Riggs: I'm not too old for this shit.

Roger Murtaugh: Assault gun... who's this joker?

Martin Riggs: I don't know, spokesman for the NRA, maybe.

Roger Murtaugh: Regular asshole. What do we do now?

Martin Riggs: Run him over.

Roger Murtaugh: What if he turns around and shoots us with that assault rifle?

Martin Riggs: Well he hasn't yet. Have you thought about that?

Roger Murtaugh: Well, what if he does?

Martin Riggs: Don't be a don't-be, be a do-be. Come on, Rodge, be positive.

Roger Murtaugh: Positive?

Martin Riggs: Yeah!

Roger Murtaugh: Well, let's run him over!

Martin Riggs: Good, I'm glad you see things my way.

Roger Murtaugh: Yeah, yeah, I hope he doesn't turn around!

Martin Riggs: He won't turn around. We'll creep up on him, nice and slow, so he won't notice.

Roger Murtaugh: Okay...

Martin Riggs: Will him not to turn.

[starts the car forward]

Roger Murtaugh: Will him?

Martin Riggs: The power of positive thinking. Don't turn around... don't turn around... Come on, I need you, man!

Roger Murtaugh: Don't turn around!

Martin Riggs: Believe it! We're better than him! We're better than him!

Roger Murtaugh: Don't turn!

Martin Riggs: That's it. Don't turn...

[the human tank turns]

Martin Riggs: He's turning.

Roger Murtaugh: AH, SHIT!

[Riggs swerves the car to the side and they both duck as the tank opens fire]

[Handing R&M their captain's badges]

Capt. Ed Murphy: This is one of the most painful fuckin' experiences of my life.

Leo Getz: They fuck you with cell phones. That's what it is. They're fuckin' you with the cell phone. They love it when you get cut off. Y'know why, huh? You know why? 'Cause when you call back - -which they know you're gonna do. - -they charge you for that fuckin' first minute again at that high rate.

Roger Murtaugh: You okay, Riggs?

Martin Riggs: No, I'm NOT okay. I just had my ass kicked again.

Capt. Ed Murphy: We're dinosaurs headed for extinction.

Martin Riggs: Speak for yourself...

Capt. Ed Murphy: Gotta make way for the NEW-IMPROVED police department; guys with guns and psychology degrees, like Butters, out there.

Martin Riggs: Biter has a psychology degree?

Roger Murtaugh: More like a PSYCHO degree.

Capt. Ed Murphy: Ah, hell, I got nothin' against it; times have gotta change. Hey, I almost got shot by a hot-rodder with a zip gun; that's how far back *I* go.

Lorna Cole: What happened last night?

Martin Riggs: Oh, gunfight, explosions, sharks, you know, the usual.

Roger Murtaugh: Hey Riggs, why did you call him my son-in-law?

Lee Butters: 'Cause I aaaam.

[interrogating Uncle Benny at a private dentist's office after accidentally filling the room with nitrous oxide]

Roger Murtaugh: [laughing and pointing to the gas mask that Butters is holding] Hey... Hey, what's that you got there?

Butters: [laughing] Uh... A nut cup? I got some big nuts.

[Roger takes the mask from Butters and inhales deeply]

Roger Murtaugh: That's nitro... oxide?

Butters: [laughing harder] It's laughing gas.

Roger Murtaugh: [hysterical] We... W-W-We're stoned.

Martin Riggs: Plus they shot at me and Rog, and that pisses us off.

Uncle Benny: Really? Ha, too bad they missed!

Lee Butters: [chasing a chinese suspect] Stop in Chinese, motherfucker!

[deleted scene]

Gomez: [Gomez calls out Riggs from the boxing ring] "I'm waiting old man"

Martin Riggs: [to Roger] "Did he say old man?"

Roger Murtaugh: [to Martin] He said "old man", old man.


Trish Murtaugh: Where's Lorna?

Martin Riggs: Oh, she's okay. I think she's on her third breakfast now.

Trish Murtaugh: I remember those days.

Martin Riggs: Uh, there's something I'm not supposed to tell you, too.

Roger Murtaugh: What?

Martin Riggs: Rianne's pregnant, you're going to be a grandfather.

Roger Murtaugh: Rianne's *what*?

[a hysterical Lorna is in labor]

Lorna: I am not ready to have this baby!

[the nurses ignore her and keep wheeling her in]

Lorna: All right, fine, wheel me in if you want! My legs are staying closed!

Leo Getz: [in the dentist's chair; the dentist is giving him an numbing ejection; muffled] I don't need needles! I don't need needles! AHHH!

Lee Butters: It's about time they poured in some new blood. I just don't want it coming out of me.

Wah Sing Ku: If this was Hong Kong, you'd already be dead

Martin Riggs: Who's that guy with the white pajamas? You know who that is?

Detective Ng: That's Wah Sing Ku. The Four Father with him is his older brother.

Martin Riggs: No kidding?

Leo Getz: Gee Roger you sure have been grumpy since ya found out you're gonna be a Grandpa!

Martin Riggs: [while meeting with Uncle Benny, Riggs notices Wah Sing Ku] Hey, who's this guy? He doesn't look too happy. What's his name? He appreciating your furniture or what?

Uncle Benny: He doesn't speak English.

Martin Riggs: Really? I bet he doesn't understand words like "scumbag", "eat shit"...

Roger Murtaugh: [Wah Sing Ku stares menacingly at Riggs] Oh, he understands real good.

Roger Murtaugh: [after seeing Hong's dead body] Dads and their kids. I'll take care of yours buddy.