Adult Joe Wenteworth: Time is a monster that cannot be reasoned with. It responds like a snail to our impatience, then it races like a gazelle when you can't catch a breath.
Simon: What I want to do and what I do are two separate things. If we all went around doing what we wanted all the time, there'd be chaos.
Adult Joe Wenteworth: When someone you love dies, you don't lose them all at once. You lose them in pieces over time, like how the mail stops coming. What I remember most to this day was my mother's scent and how I hated it when it began to disappear. First from her closets, then from her dresses she had sewn herself and then finally from her bedsheets and pillow cases. Simon and I never talked much about that day on the baseball field. It was too painful for both of us. For as much as I loved my mother, I knew that Simon loved her just as much. She was the only real mother he ever had.
Simon: You're already a bastard. Might as well be an enlightened one.
Simon Birch: Sex makes people crazy.
Simon: If God's made the church bake sale a priority, we're in a lot of trouble.
Simon: I don't see how pork chops could lead to intercourse, no matter how good they are.
Miss Leavy: The Star of Bethlehem is not a piñata!
Joe: I have faith. I just need proof to back it up.
Simon: It's the *Virgin* Mary, Eddie. What does Joseph have to do with anything?
Adult Joe Wenteworth: [voiceover] I am doomed to remember a boy with a wrecked voice, not because of his voice, or because he was the smallest person I ever knew, or even because he was the instrument of my mother's death, but because he is the reason I believe in God. What faith I have, I owe to Simon Birch, the boy I grew up with in Gravedown, Maine.
Simon: Ahh! It's a horse!
Simon: I don't think God's plan includes breaking and entering.
Simon: I look like a burn victim.
Simon: Now get over there with the other flying monkeys, where you belong.
Miss Leavy: The Virgin Mary does not chew gum.
Adult Joe Wenteworth: Ben Goodrich legally adopted me just two days before my 13th birthday. Not a day that goes by that I don't thank God for bringing him into my life. With Simon's help, I had finally found my real father.
Simon Birch: I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Joe: Jesus, Simon, you look like shit.
Miss Leavy: [reading off remaining roles for the Christmas play] ... Well, there's the shepherds, but they don't do much -
[Everyone's hands spring up instantaneously]
Adult Joe Wenteworth: [voicecover] Miss Leavy always tried to downplay the role of the shepherds, but we weren't fooled. We knew that all you had to do was stand there with a staff and try not to laugh at all the poor fools with speaking parts.