Man on the Moon (1999)

Jim Carrey: Andy Kaufman, Tony Clifton

Photos 

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Quotes 

• Andy Kaufman : You don't know the real me.

  Lynne Margulies : There isn't a real you.

  Andy Kaufman : Oh yeah, I forgot.

• Lynne Margulies : So, you just pretend to be an asshole.

  Andy Kaufman : It's what I'm good at.

• Tony Clifton : So... ya wanna see Andy? Anybody gotta flashlight and a couple of shovels?

• Tony Clifton : I would like to use the phone!

  Security Guard : Not on the lot, sir.

  Tony Clifton : How about a bathroom? I may have shit my pants.

  Security Guard : [shakes head] 

  Tony Clifton : Drink of water?

  Security Guard : No.

  Tony Clifton : Aspirin?

  Security Guard : No.

  Tony Clifton : Moist towelette?

  Security Guard : No.

  Tony Clifton : In that case, it has been an honor! And good day!

• [first lines] 

  Andy Kaufman : [as Foreign Man]  Hello. I am Andy and I would like to thank you for coming to my movie. I wish it was *better*, you know, but... it is so stupid! It's terrible! I do not even like it. All of the most important things in my life are changed around and mixed up for dramatic purposes. So, I decided to cut out all of the baloney! Now the movie is much *shorter*.

  [pause] 

  Andy Kaufman : In fact, this is the end of the movie. Thank you very much.

• Andy Kaufman : Since you've all been such good boys and girls, I would like to take everybody in this entire audience out for milk and cookies. There are buses outside. Everybody follow me.

• Andy Kaufman : [as Foreign Man]  I am from Caspiar, an Island in the Caspian Sea. It sunk.

• Andy Kaufman : I am sick of this shit, Lawler. I am gonna sue you. I'm gonna sue you, I swear to God. Fuck you! Okay? Okay, Lawler? Fuck you! I'm sorry, Dave. I know I'm not supposed to use those words on television. I can't say those words. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! But, you, you are a motherfucking, fucking asshole! Okay?

• Andy Kaufman : I'm going to the Philippines.

  George Shapiro : The Philippines? What's in the Philippines?

  Andy Kaufman : A miracle.

• Tony Clifton : I think you sat in some cottage cheese. Oh, pardon me, that's your ass.

• Tony Clifton : I got 20 bucks that says you work for me now!

• Andy Kaufman : I hate sitcoms, George. They're just... stupid jokes... and canned laughter! And you don't know why it's there, but it's there. And... and that's DEAD people laughing! Did you know that? Those people are dead!

• [Tony is mocking people who came to see his show] 

  Tony Clifton : How you doing? You enjoying the show?

  Bob Zmuda : [nervously]  Yeah.

  Tony Clifton : What's your name?

  Bob Zmuda : Bob.

  Tony Clifton : Bob?

  [mockingly] 

  Tony Clifton : Bob! What's your last name, "Up-and-down-in-the-water"?

  Bob Zmuda : Gorsky.

  Tony Clifton : Gorsky? That Polish?

  Bob Zmuda : Yeah.

  Tony Clifton : You trying to do Polish humor?

  Bob Zmuda : No, that's...

  Tony Clifton : SHUT UP!

  Bob Zmuda : That's just my name.

  Tony Clifton : SHUT UP! I do not appreciate racial slurs! I think them dumb Polacks have been ridiculed enough! I do a clean show here!

• Andy Kaufman : See, I don't want to go for cheap laughs. I want real gut reactions. I want the audience to have gone through an experience. They love me, they hate me, they walk out. It's all great.

• [Andy is spending his spare time from Taxi as a busboy at a local diner; two guys spot him] 

  Blue Collar Guy : Hey! Hey! Excuse me. Are you Andy Kaufman?

  Andy Kaufman : I get that all the time.

• Andy Kaufman : You're firing me? You... You don't even pay me.

• Andy Kaufman : What do... What do we do now?

  Bob Zmuda : Now you pick.

  Andy Kaufman : But what if I... hurt somebody's feelings?

• Andy Kaufman : [to Jerry Lawler]  I did not agree to wrestle you! I did not agree! This is assault and battery, and I'm gonna get a team of lawyers to sue you... and your children and your children's children.

• Lynne Margulies : Is it an act? Or are you just addicted to causing trouble?

  Andy Kaufman : I can quit anytime I want, baby!

• Andy Kaufman : I just... I think of the world as, as an illusion, and we shouldn't take ourselves so seriously.

• Andy Kaufman : I feel like I'm being surrounded by negative energy.

  George Shapiro : You're surrounded by what you create. Andy, you're the king of negative energy.

• Bob Zmuda : All right. Which one?

  Andy Kaufman : I will have both! I will have this fraulein und the one with the big strudels.

• [Destitute after his cancer diagnosis, Andy is laying in bed; Lynne curls up next to him] 

  Andy Kaufman : I'm a bad person.

  Lynne Margulies : You are a *complicated* person.

  Andy Kaufman : [bitterly]  You don't know the real me.

  Lynne Margulies : There isn't a real you!

  Andy Kaufman : Oh, yeah. I forgot.

  [Lynne giggles] 

• [after sitting through Tony Clifton's show, a reluctant George Shapiro is requested to a private venue with Clifton, who is busily eating a pasta dish] 

  George Shapiro : What do you want?

  Andy Kaufman : [Clifton pulls down his sunglasses to reveal he is actually Andy in makeup]  Just a little friendly conversation, George.

  Tony Clifton : [Kaufman switches back to Tony's voice]  You hungry? You look thin!

  [singing to himself in tune of "Funiculi Funicula"] 

  Tony Clifton : Italiano, cacciatore Scaloppine, pasta fagiol.

  George Shapiro : I don't understand this act.

  Andy Kaufman : It's just good old-fashioned entertainment, George. Everyone loves a villain.

  George Shapiro : What about that poor schlub you humiliated?

  [Bob Zmuda, in disguise as the poor schlub Shapiro just mentioned, arrives and takes a seat next to Andy] 

  Bob Zmuda : Hey, man, excellent show. That was a great show. That was awesome.

  Andy Kaufman : George, this is my writer and old friend, Bob Zmuda.

  Bob Zmuda : [shakes hands with Shapiro]  Hey, George, how are you? I'm Bob.

  Andy Kaufman : He's very creative.

  Bob Zmuda : I'm the brains behind this operation.

  Andy Kaufman : Yeah, dream on. He once faked a lion escaping from the Chicago Zoo.

  Bob Zmuda : This was fantastic, George. We got like 50 actors tearing through the zoo. And they're all screaming

  [sounding panicked] 

  Bob Zmuda : There's a fucking lion, man, a lion!

  George Shapiro : Your name's not Gorsky.

  Bob Zmuda : [peels off fake mustache]  Don't believe everything you hear, George.

• [Tony is about to start his band playing when an audience member behind him coughs quietly and he turns around angrily] 

  Tony Clifton : SHUT UP! Shut the hell up! All of you! Make one more sound, I'll come down and put your head in the soup!

  [raises his hand dramatically] 

  Tony Clifton : When I go like this, it means I expect total silence! There is an artiste on-stage.

  [Tony turns back to the band, raising his hand dramatically. No one makes a sound] 

  Tony Clifton : That's... better.

• George Shapiro : How is this gonna make you the biggest star in the world?

  Andy Kaufman : George

  [coughs] 

  Andy Kaufman : , at this point the audience expects me to shock them all the time. But short of faking my own death or setting the theater on fire, I don't know what else to do. Because I've always gotta be one step ahead of them.

• [Andy prepares to wrestle women on "The Merv Griffin Show"] 

  Andy Kaufman : Women are superior to men in many ways. That's right. When it comes to cooking, cleaning, washing the potatoes, scrubbing the carrots, making the babies, mopping the floors... they have it all over men. I believe that. But when it comes to wrestling...

  [Women are booing Andy] 

  Andy Kaufman : SHUT UP! Be quiet when a MAN is talking!

• [a producer at Taxi wants to fire Tony Clifton, but he needs Andy's permission to do so. He has George call Andy who is supposedly doing a concert in San Francisco. As Tony continues to cause chaos on the set, Andy's voice comes through on the other line] 

  George Shapiro : Hello, Andy. I'm here with Ed over at Taxi.

  Andy Kaufman : Hi, Ed.

  Ed. Weinberger - 'Taxi' Producer : Hi, Andy.

  Andy Kaufman : How are you?

  Ed. Weinberger - 'Taxi' Producer : I'm fine.

  George Shapiro : There's been some trouble with Tony.

  Andy Kaufman : [sounding genuinely shocked]  Oh, no! Did he get hurt?

  George Shapiro : No, Andy, it's nothing like-- No.

  Andy Kaufman : Did he hurt someone else?

  Ed. Weinberger - 'Taxi' Producer : No, it's not that. Andy, the reason I'm calling you like this is... I have the utmost respect for your artistry.

  Andy Kaufman : Well, may I say that I've always appreciated that, Ed.

  Ed. Weinberger - 'Taxi' Producer : Thank you. But you see, in this instance... I have to ask your permission to fire Tony.

  [Andy is in fact backstage at Taxi in full Tony Clifton costume and makeup. He covers the speaker of the telephone and jumps up and down with joy] 

  Andy Kaufman : [resumes shocked tone]  Oh, my... George, this is gonna kill Tony. He's waited for this his whole life.

  George Shapiro : There'll be other shots.

  Ed. Weinberger - 'Taxi' Producer : Yeah, we have to do this. He's just a terrible actor.

  Andy Kaufman : Okay. But please let him down gently.

  [Smash cut to...] 

  Tony Clifton : FUCK YOU! I'M NOT GOING!

  Ed. Weinberger - 'Taxi' Producer : We had a deal.

  Tony Clifton : I don't know who you talked to. You must have talked to someone else!

  Ed. Weinberger - 'Taxi' Producer : [angrily]  I was talking to Andy Kaufman!

  Tony Clifton : I DON'T KNOW NO ANDY KAUFMAN!

• Angry Woman : [slapping him on the face]  And this is for my mother, and this is for my father! And this is for my grand father!

  Andy Kaufman : I hope you have a small family.