Mary Jackson: Officer, you saw our registration, you know that isn't our car, and it's not our dope either. Do you think we'd be so stupid?

Collie Entragian: Shut up, you New York deviant.

Mary Jackson: What... What did... What did you call me?

Collie Entragian: I'm arresting you for possession of marijuana with intent to sale.

Peter Jackson: You can't be serious.

Collie Entragian: You have the right to remain silent. If you choose to not be silent, everything you say can be held against you in a court of law. You have the right to an attorney. I am going to kill you. If you cannot afford an attorney, one will be provided for you. Do you understand your rights as I explained them to you?

[Peter and Mary are confused and don't know what to say]

Collie Entragian: Do you understand your rights?

Peter Jackson: [to Mary, whispering] Just... Act normally, I don't think he understands what he just said.

Collie Entragian: [shouting] Do you understand your rights? Do you or not? Answer me, you smart-aleck blue state unisex swingles! Do you or not? Do you or not?

Peter Jackson: Yes! Yes, we understand. Please, just... Watch the road.

Collie Entragian: Don't worry about me, I got eyes in the back of my head. You do well to remember that.

Cynthia Smith: Are you a nice person?

Steve Ames: Well, uh, I like to think so. But then again, if I was Ted Bundy, do you think I'd tell you?

[to Peter Jackson]

Collie Entragian: I don't care if you're a Jew, a Hindu, or Mr. Magoo. In Desperation, we don't care about those things much.

[shoots him]

Collie Entragian: [looking at Peter's license] I see you're an organ donor.


Collie Entragian: Are you sure that's wise?

Peter Jackson: Where is everybody?

Collie Entragian: Disneyland.

[starts walking]

Collie Entragian: Come on, walk, Hayfoot.

[to Mary]

Collie Entragian: Strawfoot.

[stops walking]

Collie Entragian: You're Peter. And you're Mary. So where's Paul? I mean, how can you sing "Puff the Magic Dragon" without Paul?

[starts walking, then stops again]

Collie Entragian: Wait a minute... Peter Jackson? I LOVE "Lord of the Rings"!


Collie Entragian: You are useless.

[to Mary]

Collie Entragian: You at least look healthy.

Ralph Carver: Haven't you done enough to us?

Collie Entragian: In a word... no.

David Carver: Don't hurt her!

Collie Entragian: Son, I will put a stick through your mother, and spin her around til she catches fire, if I so desire! And you cannot stop me, and I'll come back for you!

John Edward Marinville: Why don't you pray?

David Carver: I can't. Right now I'm too pissed.

John Edward Marinville: At God?

David Carver: At Santa Claus.

Steve Ames: Stay here.

Cynthia Smith: Yeah right! Eat me, said the cake to Alice!

Cynthia Smith: Are you going to smoke that or gum it to death?

Steve Ames: Eh... I quit. I still urge to keep the practice though.

Collie Entragian: [after finding the bag of marijuana in Johnny Marinville's motorcycle] Houston - we have a problem.

Tak (voice): Tak commands you to stop!

John Edward Marinville: Donald Rumsfeld commands me to stop. Adam Sandler commands me to stop. Ann Coulter commands me to stop.

Collie Entragian: Don't worry about me. I've got eyes in the back of my head. You'll do well to remember that.

Collie Entragian: This is Desperation. Everything out here is Can Tah and Can Tak. And don't you forget it.