Two Guys, a Girl and a Pizza Place (1998–2001)

Ryan Reynolds: Michael 'Berg' Bergen

Photos 

Quotes 

• Berg : I can't stand you.

  Ashley : I loathe you.

  Berg : I despise you.

  Ashley : I hate you.

  Berg : I can get us a room.

  Ashley : I can drive.

• Sharon : Just because Pete brings her pizza doesn't mean he's delivering the sausage.

  Berg : I never... want to forget that you said that.

• [About Pete] 

  Melissa : What does he tell you about me?

  Berg : Everything.

  Melissa : Like what, everything?

  Berg : Like the first time he saw you, he said he actually felt his heart stop.

  Melissa : Really?

  Berg : And you... do a phenomenal Linda Ronstadt imitation.

  Melissa : Aww... Pete.

  Berg : And he hates sushi... but goes with you all the time because he knows you love it.

  Melissa : Why didn't he say anything?

  Berg : And you laugh like a mad scientist during sex.

• Berg : Just remember that my eye drop experiments paid for that sofa.

  Pete : Berg, what color would you say that sofa is?

  Berg : I dunno... blue?

• Sharon Carter : Can I talk to you guys for a second?

  [storms past them] 

  Berg : She knows.

  Pete : She does?

  Berg : Play dumb.

  Pete : We are dumb.

  [they walk over to Sharon] 

  Sharon Carter : Are you guys nuts?

  Berg : [flipping a page on his notepad]  I'm Nuts. This is my partner, Pretzels.

  Pete : What seems to be the problem, ma'am?

• Berg : [about his use of an asthma inhaler]  You know how they always say not to exceed the recommended daily dosage?

  Pete : Yeah?

  Berg : Well I'm the guy... who exceeds it so they know why *you* shouldn't.

• Berg : Hi, my name is Berg... and I'm addicted to messing with Pete.

• Pete : Berg, I'm just not cut out to be a good person.

  Berg : I know. That's why the Lord gave us good looks.

• Berg : You know not with whom you mess.

• Pete : Berg, you can't sleep in my bed, people talk enough as it is. Go sleep on the couch.

  Berg : I can't sleep on the couch. Last week I spilled milk on it and for some reason it smells bad.

  Pete : So go sleep on the floor!

  Berg : I can't sleep on the floor.

  Pete : Why not?

  Berg : For some reason there's a trail of ants leading to the couch.

• Berg : [upon meeting Ashley]  See anything you like?

  Ashley Walker : Wow, where you get that line? Because you need to give it back.

• Berg : I don't like you being mad at me.

  Pete : I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at me. Berg, I'm gonna be 25 and I don't even know where my life is - and the one good thing I had, I messed up. When my dad was my age, he had a house, he had a wife, he had me. I mean, what do I have?

  Berg : You have the ability to suck the life out of an evening.

• Berg : Y'know, Turner and Hooch were talking earlier, and they said something very intriguing.

  Pete : Don't quote your shoes.

  Berg : "Stay close to the leader, or the race is lost."

  Pete : What do you think they meant by that?

  Berg : No idea. I'm gonna take them for a walk in the park, try and get it out of them.

• Ashley : Aww, you like Irene!

  Berg : [pretending he doesn't]  *You* like Irene!

  Ashley : It's OK, Berg. Some people actually think it's a good thing to like the person you're making love to.

  Berg : We are not making love! We're having sex! We're having dirty, dirty sex!

• Pete : I'm twenty-five, why are you telling people I'm thirty?

  Berg : You get better presents.

• Ashley : Sharon doesn't want to rush into marriage and make the same mistakes that her mother did.

  Berg : Oh ,yeah, that's it.

  Sharon : That *is* it.

  Berg : I said, "Oh yeah that's it."

• Berg : So, your mother hates Johnny.

  Sharon : No, my mother loves Johnny.

  Berg : So, she loves Johnny too much.

  Sharon : No, my mother's been married three times.

  Berg : And once to Johnny!

• Ashley : Go like this.

  [pretending to get something out of her teeth] 

  Berg : [picking his teeth]  What, do I have something in my teeth?

  Ashley : No, now go away.

• Berg : Sharon hasn't been around all week, so I couldn't score stamps.

  Pete : Oh. Oh, well listen... I'll give you the name of her connection -the post office!