Intolerable Cruelty (2003)

Jonathan Hadary: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy

Quotes 

• Miles Massey : Were there any other specifications?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : [in outrageous French accent]  She spe-cif-i-cated a silly man.

  Freddy Bender : Objection, Your Honor!

  Judge Marva Munson : I'm going to allow it.

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : She spe-cif-i-cated a man who, though clever at making money, would be easily duped and controlled.

  Freddy Bender : Objection, Your Honor!

  Miles Massey : Shut up, Freddy. She's allowing it.

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : She spe-cif-i-cated a man with a wandering pee-pee. How you say? A philanderer whose affairs would be transparent to the world.

  Freddy Bender : Objection, Your Honor!

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Finally, a man whom she could herself brazenly cuckold until such time as she might choose to, uh - We would say, "faire un coup de marteau sur des fesses." You would say, "make hammer on his fanny."

  Freddy Bender : Your Honor, objection! I-Irrelevant!

  Judge Marva Munson : I'm going to allow it!

  Miles Massey : Tell us, Baron - Did you introduce her to such a man?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Sir, I am the concierge!

  Miles Massey : And to whom did you introduce that calculating woman?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : I introduced her...

  [points to Rex Rexroth] 

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : to that silly man.

  Freddy Bender : Your Honor, objection!

  Miles Massey : Let the record show that the Baron has identified Rex Rexroth as the silly man!

• [in outrageous French accent] 

  [to his yapping dog] 

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Do you want some bones? Huh? Does Elsbieta want some bones? Has anyone any bones?

  Miles Massey : Does anyone have any bones? B - Uh, bones? Dog candies?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : No, they are not candies. Milk-Bones. Hard, crunchy bones for the teeth.

  Miles Massey : Uh, hard, uh - We'll attend to the dog later. Now, Baron - Where were we?

  Court Reporter : [Reading the court transcript in a monotone voice]  She said that she required a husband. Oh, do you want some bones? Does Elsbieta want some bones? Has anyone any bones? Hard, crunchy bones for the...

• Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : [in outrageous French accent]  She said she wanted a very rich husband. She wanted to know the businesses and the wealths-s - the wealths-s-s - Can I say this? Wealths of our various eligible guests.

  Miles Massey : And did she have any other specifications?

  Freddy Bender : Objection, Your Honor. Inflammatory.

  Miles Massey : What's good for the gander, Your Honor.

  Freddy Bender : Is this a legal argument - What's good for the gander?

• Bailiff : Mr. Krauss, do you solemnly swear that...

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : [In outrageous French accent]  Krauss von Espy.

  Bailiff : Mr. Krauss von Espy, do you solemnly...

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Baron Krauss von Espy.

  Bailiff : [pause]  ... solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Mais bien sur.

  Bailiff : No maybes.

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : *Mais bien sur.* But of course, yes. The baron does not lie.

• Miles Massey : Baron von Espy, what is your profession?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : [in outrageous French accent]  Silly man. I am a baron.

  Miles Massey : Yes, but do you not also hold a day job? Paying job. A, uh, a square job.

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Well, one has to live. I am the concierge of Les Pantalons Rouges at Bad-Gadesbourg in the canton of Uri.

  Miles Massey : And what does that job entail?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : I satisfy such requests as the clientele may present.

  Miles Massey : Towels, ice, et cetera?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : We have bellmen for that. No, no, no. Such requests that, were you at home, you would address not to your valet but to your majordomo.

  [to his yapping dog] 

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Shush, poochy-chow.

  Miles Massey : I see.

  [Pointing to Marylin Rexroth] 

  Miles Massey : Baron, do you recognize that woman?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Ah, cher Marylin. But of course. Look who is here. Hi!

  Miles Massey : And she was a guest of the Red... Trousers?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Oh, many times, for relaxing and making Alpine recreation.

  Miles Massey : Mm-hmm. I am curious about her visit of five years ago. January ninteen ninty eight. Can you remember any specific request she made at that time?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : Yes, I can.

  Miles Massey : And, what, at that time, did she tell you she required?

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : She said that she required... a husband!

• Miles Massey : A husband? That's an unusual request. Did she specify what kind of a husband she was looking for?

  Freddy Bender : Objection!

  Judge Marva Munson : Grounds?

  Freddy Bender : Uh... Hearsay.

  Miles Massey : On second hand, Your Honor, this is direct testimony about the Baron's own conversation.

  Judge Marva Munson : I'm going to allow it.

  Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy : She said she wanted a very rich husband. She wanted to know the businesses and the wealthses... wealthses... can I say it... wealthses of our various eligible guests.