[on being told he's been selected as gay man of the year]

Oscar Novak: I haven't done anything or anyone to deserve this.

Peter Steinberg: You've made your big gay bed and now you must slumber gaily in it!

[When Peter clicks his pen, it's supposed to signal to Oscar that he's rambling]

Oscar Novak: Hey, you have a Buddha! Oh, I love Buddhas.

[Peter clicks his pen]

Oscar Novak: They're like bright, cheery, naked Asian Santas.

[Sound of clicking pen]

Oscar Novak: You know, I had a buddy in college whose name was Bob and we used to call him "Buddha Bob" because he was kind of fat and he liked to walk around naked.

[More pen clicking]

Oscar Novak: We used to rub his belly for luck.

[Frantic pen clicking. Oscar gets the hint]

Oscar Novak: Anyway... I love Buddha.

[awkward pause]

Oscar Novak: He rocks.

Oscar Novak: ...she has an ass so sexy, I struggle to understand it.

[Standing outside the cafe, Oscar is looking very ill]

Amy: Oh, are you okay?

Oscar Novak: Mouth... watering.

Amy: God, I knew that Tuna Melt tasted funny. I'm lucky, I can eat just about anything. Know why? Cause my mother was a horrible cook. She used to make this thing that smelled like a wet dog and old tennis shoes and...

[Oscar retches]

Amy: Oh, sorry.

Oscar Novak: Would you excuse me for a second?

Oscar Novak: [Oscar kneels over and is violently sick] Boy that felt good!

Amy: Don't worry you'll be alright in a minute.

[Amy pauses then kneels over and is sick as well]

Oscar Novak: It just doesn't get better than this!

[viewing a photograph of the Bosnian flag painted on someone's nude bottom]

Oscar Novak: I had no idea things were so hairy in Bosnia.

[after Amy accidentally hits Oscar]

Amy: Did you hurt yourself?

Oscar Novak: No, no... YOU hurt me!

Oscar Novak: [on the phone to his shocked but supportive mother] I'm not gay. I just have to pretend to be gay for work.

Oscar Novak: Mum's the word. The word is mum.

Amy: How are your balls?

Oscar Novak: They're fine. Thanks for asking.

[Peter is standing with a tub of hair gel and a weird hairdo]

Oscar Novak: What the hell happened to your head?

Peter Steinberg: I've been here for nine hours. I got bored.

Oscar Novak: You're a very strange man. Now, will you get out of my apartment?

Peter Steinberg: What happened? Oscy... Oscy... it's six in the morning.

Oscar Novak: It was awful, okay? As soon as we left the gallery, our cab caught on fire. THEN, she elbowed me in the face. THEN, we both threw up. THEN, she slammed a car handle into my balls, okay? The entire night was a total disaster.

Peter Steinberg: You're in love with her.

Oscar Novak: Pretty much.

Peter Steinberg: Do you have any idea what toilet paper feels like in Egypt?

Amy: So I take it you have kissed a woman before?

Oscar Novak: Not the right one.

[upon meeting her boyfriends wife]

Amy: I handled that well, didn't I? I'm still in one piece.

Oscar Novak: Yes, very well.

[amy starts to walk away]

Oscar Novak: Where are you going?

Amy: To get really *really* drunk.

Oscar Novak: I'm never going to have sex again!

Peter Steinberg: Oh, of course you will. Just maybe not with a woman.

Oscar Novak: What's good?

Diner Waiter: Tuna melt.

Oscar Novak: Ohhh... what else?

Diner Waiter: Tuna melt.

Amy: What do you think?

Oscar Novak: Yeah, two tuna melts.

Peter Steinberg: You do know there are other fish in the sea?

Oscar Novak: But what if you found *the* fish?

Charles Newman: God, I swear Oscar, if you weren't gay, I'd have to kill you.

Oscar Novak: Gay? I'm not gay. I didn't... gay.

Olivia Newman: Now... why don't you go put on those red bikini briefs that I gave you? I love the way your butt looks in them.

Charles Newman: Olivia, I really don't want to.

Olivia Newman: Charles, What happens when I'm unhappy? What happens?

Charles Newman: Fine... But not the red ones... they bind

Oscar Novak: I'm Batman.

Oscar Novak: You know what the most spoken line in movies is?

Amy: What?

Oscar Novak: "Let's get out of here."

Amy: Huh. It makes sense. It works for a lot of situations. "They're shooting at us. Lets get out of here." "Aliens have landed. Lets get out of here." I want to make mad passionate love to you. Lets get out of here."

Oscar Novak: Those are good, especially the last one.

Oscar Novak: [Peter is stood with a tub of hair gel and a weird hairdo] What the hell happened to your hair?

Peter Steinberg: You were gone for nine hours. I got bored. What happened?

Oscar Novak: It was a disaster. First our cab exploded, then I got hit in the face, then we both threw up, *then* she rammed a car handle into my balls. The whole night was a disaster.

Peter Steinberg: You fell in love with her.

Oscar Novak: Pretty much.

Peter Steinberg: Oskie, I'm a professional. I went to graduate school. I did all-nighters my senior year. I did a semester in Egypt. Do you have any idea what toilet paper feels like in Egypt? I delivered cinnamon rolls on a truck with bad suspension for three years! Do you know what that does to your kidneys? My poor kidneys! My freaking kidneys! My poor freaking kidneys! My freaking, scarred, bruised kidneys!

Peter Steinberg: Don't make me make you my prison bitch.