Alice in Wonderland (1999 TV Movie)
Tina Majorino: Alice
Quotes
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Cheshire Cat : How do you like the game?
Alice : They don't play very fair.
Cheshire Cat : But nobody does if they think they can get away with it. That's a lesson you'll have to learn.
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Alice : I think carefully before acting rashly.
Queen of Hearts : Sound advice, little girl.
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Alice : You don't seem to have much riding practice.
White Knight : What makes you say that?
Alice : You keep falling off your horse.
White Knight : I've had plenty of practice at that, plenty of practice.
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Mad Hatter : I didn't know that. Personal remarks are rude?
Alice : Mm-hmm.
Mad Hatter : Egad, you learn something new every day. Make a note of that, Marchy. It might come in useful.
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Alice : What are they doing? They can't have anything to write. The trial hasn't even begun yet.
Duchess : They're writing down their own names in case they forget them by the time the trial is over.
Alice : Stupid things.
Jury Member 1 : Stupid. How do you spell "stupid"?
Jury Member 2 : S-T-- what comes after T?
Jury Member 3 : Dinner.
Jury Member 4 : Is it dinnertime? It's dinnertime.
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Queen of Hearts : Do you play croquet?
Alice : Who, me?
Queen of Hearts : Yes, you. I'm not in the habit of talking to myself, though it's the only way I can get an intelligent conversation round here. Can you play croquet?
Alice : Yes.
Queen of Hearts : Come on then.
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Alice : But I don't want to meet mad people.
Cheshire Cat : Oh, but you can't help it. Everyone here is mad. I'm mad. You're mad. It's only by chance and careful planning if you're not.
Alice : How do you know I'm mad?
Cheshire Cat : [disappearing] Because you're here. And everyone here is mad.
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Cheshire Cat : I went to a hunt ball once. I didn't like it-- Terrible people. They all started hunting me.
Alice : Hmm. Life must be hard for you.
Cheshire Cat : But I grin and bear it.
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[Alice arrives at the Mad Tea Party]
Alice : I'm lost. Could I get some -- ?
The March Hare : No room.
Mad Hatter : There's no room.
Alice : [indignant] There's plenty of room.
The March Hare : Why didn't you report this sooner, Hatty?
Mad Hatter : I overslept.
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The March Hare : [in an encouraging tone] Have some wine.
Alice : [looking down the table] I don't see any wine.
The March Hare : There isn't any. And you're too young.
Alice : Then it wasn't very nice of you to offer it.
The March Hare : It wasn't very nice of you to sit down without an invitation. This is a private soirée.
Alice : Well, I suppose I shouldn't have just barged in. I know I wasn't invited. But the table was laid out for a lot of people.
Mad Hatter : My response to that is both profound and meaningful. Get your hair cut.
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[Tweedledum and Tweedledee offer to tell Alice a story]
Alice : I'm sorry. I haven't the time.
Tweedledee : Neither do we. We never carry a watch.
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[Alice bangs on the door to the Duchess's palace]
Fishface Footman : It's no good you knocking like that.
Alice : Why not?
Fishface Footman : Two good reasons: One, because I'm on the same side of the door as you.
Alice : Oh, yes.
Fishface Footman : Two, they're making so much noise inside, no one can hear you.
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Alice : [thinking about the riddle] Um, Why is a raven like a writing desk? You know, I'm pretty sure I can guess.
The March Hare : You mean you think you know the answer?
Alice : Yes.
The March Hare : Then you should say what you mean.
Alice : Well, I do. At-at least-- at least I mean what I say. That-that is the same thing.
Mad Hatter : It's not the same thing at all. You might as well say "I see what I eat" is the same thing as "I eat what I see."
[a pie sprouts crab legs and crawls across the table]
The March Hare : [eyeing the pie, picking up a fly swatter] You might as well say "I like what I get" as "I get what I like."
[whacks the pie]
The Dormouse : [talking in his sleep, then suddenly awake] Or you might as well say "I breathe when I sleep" is the same thing as "I sleep when I breathe."
[nods off]
Mad Hatter : Well, it is the same thing with you.
[chuckles]
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The Gryphon : Hello. Who are you?
Alice : Alice.
The Gryphon : Alice? That sounds familiar.
Alice : And who are you?
The Gryphon : A Griffin-- part eagle, part lion - the best of each, I always say.
Alice : I thought you were a mythical creature.
The Gryphon : I am. That makes me even more fascinating.
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Mad Hatter : [looking at his watch] What day of the month is it?
Alice : The fourth.
Mad Hatter : Aha! Two days wrong.
[glares at the March Hare]
Mad Hatter : I told you not to use butter.
The March Hare : It was the best butter.
The Dormouse : Danish.
Mad Hatter : Some crumbs must have got into it as well. I said, "don't put butter in the works with a bread knife."
The March Hare : I couldn't put it in with a fork, could I? Here, let me see.
Mad Hatter : I don't want to give it to you, but I will.
[the Hare takes the watch and examines it; first by banging it on the table, and then by dipping it into his teacup]
The March Hare : I don't understand it. It was the best butter.
The Dormouse : Danish.
The March Hare : [He tosses the watch over to Alice, who picks it up and studies it] Here.
Alice : That's a funny watch. It tells the day of the month but not the time.
Mad Hatter : Why should it? Does your watch tell you what year it is?
Alice : No, because it stays a year for so long.
Mad Hatter : Well, then I rest my case.
The March Hare : Where?
Mad Hatter : [points to a pile of suitcases] There.
[breaks into laughter]
The March Hare : I know when I'm beaten.
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[the Mock Turtle begins his tale]
Mock Turtle : Once...
[starts moaning and wringing his hands]
Mock Turtle : I was once a real turtle. I was a real--
[breaks down completely]
Alice : [rises to leave] Thank you for that very interesting story, sir.
Mock Turtle : I haven't started yet.
The Gryphon : [half-pleading] Stay. You may learn something.
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Alice : I'm not staying here listening for you to be rude.
The March Hare : You'll find better places for that, I'm sure.
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Alice : If you drink too much from a bottle marked "poison," it's almost certain to disagree with you sooner or later. This bottle is not marked "poison."
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Mock Turtle : When Gryph and I were little we went to school in the same sea. And the master was an old turtle. We used to call him "tortoise."
Alice : Why would you call him tortoise if he wasn't one?
Mock Turtle : We called him "tortoise" because he "taught us."
The Gryphon : You ought to be ashamed of yourself, asking a simple question like that.
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White Knight : I see you're admiring my box. It's my own invention to keep sandwiches in. You see, I carry it upside-down so they don't get wet when it rains.
Alice : But they can drop out. The lid is open.
White Knight : So that''s what happened to my sandwiches.
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Alice : You have to tread with care when dealing with cats. They have influence and are seen in all the smart places.
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Alice : How can you keep talking when you're like this?
White Knight : Like what?
Alice : Head-downwards and body in the air.
White Knight : What does it matter where my body happens to be? My mind goes on working just the same.
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[some talking daisies insult Alice and laugh]
Alice : If you're not polite, I'll make you into a chain.
[the daisies stop laughing]
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Alice : When I used to read about fairy tales, I never thought I would end up in the middle of one. There ought to be a book written about me. Maybe when I grow up I'll write one.
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[the Cheshire Cat grins at the King of Hearts, vexing him]
Alice : A cat may look at a king.
King of Hearts : What does that mean?
Alice : I read it in a book somewhere.
King of Hearts : I haven't, but it sounds immoral. It has undertones. That book should be banned.
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Alice : [voiceover, as she watches the White Rabbit rush off, then slowly follows him] Perhaps I fell right through the earth and come out the other side. Yet, I'll have to ask somebody the name of the country-- "Please, ma'am, is this New Zealand or Australia?"
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Alice : [falling down the rabbit hole] I wonder what latitude, longitude I've gotten to. I've no idea what latitude and longitude are, but they're grand words-- Longitude and latitude.
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Alice : Oh, Tiger Lily, I wish you could talk so you could tell me how to get out of this wood.
Tiger Lily : I can talk when there's anybody worth talking to.
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Mad Hatter : Time marches on its stomach.
[laughs]
Alice : It's an army that marches on its stomach.
The March Hare : Odd sort of army, marching on its stomach. I don't like the idea. Yuck.
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Alice : Curiouser and curiouser.
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White Knight : I hope you've got your hair fastened on tight.
Alice : Only in the usual way.
White Knight : Well, that's not good enough. The wind around here is as strong as soup around here.
