Jack Hayes: Pop quiz.

Pilot Kelson: Go.

Jack Hayes: How much I owe you for helping me out?

Pilot Kelson: A gazillion.

Jack Hayes: Who's the major old-school happener?

Pilot Kelson: Piiilot.

Jack Hayes: How much longer we a team?

Pilot Kelson: Forever.

Jack Hayes: Beep... perfect score, gold star.

Pilot Kelson: Pop Quiz.

Jack Hayes: No.

Pilot Kelson: Come on. It's a quick one.

Jack Hayes: Go.

Pilot Kelson: What is 1,056 dicks?

Jack Hayes: A lot of dicks.

Pilot Kelson: Beep. Perfect Score. Gold star.

Jack Hayes: Can we just have 15 minutes of fun in our fucking miserable lives?

Pilot Kelson: Famous last words...

Johnny the Fox: A field... I need a field... A field in which to frolic!

Pilot Kelson: I like it... Hit the road, flee for your life, meet a doll who's got "once and a lifetime girl of my dreams and reason to believe" written all over her like so much graffiti. It could only happen to the god of fuck.

Pilot Kelson: You are one daffy invididual!

Pilot Kelson: [after the alligator boy screams] That be a cry laden with pain and sorrow

Pilot Kelson: Desmond the alligator boy is a major happener

Pilot Kelson: When you think about it, the world is divided into 2 groups... pandas and alligator boys

Jack Hayes: You bang her yet man?

Pilot Kelson: Not even close... if "Bangher" was an island off the coast of the Carribean, me and Lucy are stuck in traffic in Jersey

Pilot Kelson: [telling Jack that the whore thought Pilot was sexually confused] Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you?

Pilot Kelson: So, it was cool, you know? I told her about my troubles and she was like, 'sexual confusion's a tricky thing'. Sexual confusion? I mean, easy on the sexual confusion tip, baby. You make me sound like a guy in a raincoat with a fistful of vaseline, you know?

[laughs]

Pilot Kelson: Sexual confusion... I mean, you don't think I have sexual confusion, do you...?

Cassie: That's pretty pathetic in my book.

Pilot Kelson: In your book? And what's the title of that book? Is it called 'Give Me A Hundred Bucks And I'll Suck Your Dick'? Cause I think I read that one, and it was... ooh... lurid.

Johnny the Fox: Congratulations you just became the Sir Edmund Hillary of assholes. You climbed the highest mountain Pilot. There's five big ones.

[as he has raw sex with Jilly Miranda]

Jack Hayes: Jack and Jilly went up the hilly to fetch a pale of water!

Shanks: [walks up to Pilot] You the boyfriend? You like alligator dick?

[touches Pilot's lips]

Shanks: Like to suck it?

Pilot Kelson: This is Jack Hayes, the God of Fuck!

Shanks: [turns to Jack] Is that what they call you? The God of Fuck? Tell me something... do you like to get fucked?