Lt. Frank Parker: [answering the phone] Stalag 13, Hogan speaking.

[3rd season title sequence]

Lt. Frank Parker: Ever wish you could live your last week over again? Well, my name's Frank B. Parker and I get to all the time. I work for a secret government project experimenting in time travel. When things really get messed up, I'm the guinea pig they send back to fix everything. Catch is, I can only go back seven days.

Lt. Frank Parker: Curiosity didn't kill the cat - hesitation did.

Patricia Parker: Damn you Parker! Everywhere you go things turn to crap!

Jimmy Parker: I don't think mommy likes you, Dad.

Lt. Frank Parker: [on phone, trying to stop a flight doomed to crash] Yeah, a bomb, a big one! How do I know? 'Cos I'm the one that put it there! 'Cos I'm a mean, bad-ass bomber, that's why! Listen, I've been sucking in jet fumes for 17 years, you know what that does to a person? Well you're about to find out!"

[hangs up, grinning]

Lt. Frank Parker: "That was a lot more fun than it should've been.

[Olga and Parker are climbing up a long ladder underground]

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: Maybe this isn't the best time to say it, but I'm afraid of heights.

Lt. Frank Parker: We're underground, think about that.

[searching for the Sphere, which is buried somewhere in a mineshaft]

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: Theoretically, the sphere ran out of oxygen an hour ago.

Capt. Craig Donovan: Yeah, well, theoretically, you can't jump back in time.

[a Nuclear war just broke out, causing alarms throughout Never-Never-Land to go off]

Lt. Frank Parker: What is this, the end of the world?

Dr. John Ballard: Uh, quite possibly.

Lt. Frank Parker: Hey Ramsey, the AmeriBomber is a long lost relative of yours.

Nathan Ramsey: Oh, very funny. How's your Uncle Hussein?

Carole: [referring to Frank Parker] That's not a bear.

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: No! It's a SKUNK!

[Frank has been reported as an escaped mental patient; a shaky security guard has him at gunpoint]

Rent-A-Cop: Just how crazy are you?

[Frank reaches out and takes his gun away]

Lt. Frank Parker: The difficult we do immediately, the impossible just takes a little longer.

Lt. Frank Parker: Listen up, Sunshine. If you make a move against Teo or his family, I'll make sure the FBI, NSA, IRS and every other three-letter organization I can think of will be all over you like really cheap suits.

Dr. Bradley Talmadge: [Ramsey is about to be arrested by the FBI] Director Shane and I will be having a little a little discussion, before you take my chief security officer anywhere.

FBI Lead Agent: You're making a big mistake.

Dr. Bradley Talmadge: I'm a big man...

Kid: Hey! My car!

Lt. Frank Parker: Don't worry, I'll mail it back to you.

Lt. Frank Parker: Someday I'm gonna form a chrononauts' union.

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: You're a very good dancer.

Lt. Frank Parker: Really?

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: No.

Lt. Frank Parker: Saturday's my one free day.

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: And Sundays?

Lt. Frank Parker: Hangover day. Doesn't count.

Lt. Frank Parker: Once you backstep, you can't go back.

[repeated line]

Dr. John Ballard: That's our boy.

Lt. Frank Parker: I fly the needles as well as they're designed! Better!

Nathan Ramsey: Then how come your record for perfect lands are exactly zero?

Lt. Frank Parker: [gestures to the sphere] Because sometimes Lulu's got a mind of her own.

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: Lulu?

Lt. Frank Parker: It's a private thing...

Nathan Ramsey: Well, that figures, Parker. Can't make either one of your girlfriends do what you want.

Capt. Craig Donovan: Frank?

Lt. Frank Parker: Right... uh...

Nathan Ramsey: Get on with it, Parker, or I'm outta here.

Lt. Frank Parker: Nate...


Lt. Frank Parker: I'm very... sorry.

Nathan Ramsey: You know, I don't think I heard that. My ears are getting bad cause I'm getting old, what did you say?

Lt. Frank Parker: [mumbles a little louder] I'm sorry.

Nathan Ramsey: What did you say?

Lt. Frank Parker: [shouts] I'm sorry!... I'm sorry I broke your nose.

Nathan Ramsey: Did that sound sincere to you?

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: Good for me.

Capt. Craig Donovan: Yeah, sounded great to me.

Nathan Ramsey: Let's get a polygraph down here, I wanna know if he means it!

Lt. Frank Parker: Damnit Vukavitch, I bust my butt flying that sphere to hell and back and you won't do this one little thing for me?

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: No.

Lt. Frank Parker: I quit. That's it. No more time jumps for this little duck.

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: Good.

Lt. Frank Parker: Did I ever tell you how attractive you are when you turn me down?

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: Yes. The answer is still "no".

Lt. Frank Parker: [turns to Ballard] Real proud of you, big guy!

Dr. John Ballard: I'm not loaning you money, either.

[Parker has just Backstepped into space near the Global Space Station and made the Conundrum call]

Dr. Bradley Talmadge: Where are you Conundrum?

Lt. Frank Parker: Well, I'm not in Kansas anymore.

[on Parker]

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: He changes things all the time through Backstepping. Fixes things. But he can never just do it for himself, its never just for him.

Capt. Craig Donovan: Makes you wonder why he sticks his neck out time and time again, doesn't it?

Dr. Isaac Mentnor: I've been accused of loving that sphere too much. It's my baby. But Frank is its heart.

[Flashback to where Parker and Donovan met]

Lt. Frank Parker: Now that we're stuck together, will you just shut up and let me get on with this?

Capt. Craig Donovan: You know you got that rep all through special ops, man.

Lt. Frank Parker: What, being a stud?

Donovan: So, you're from Philly, huh?

Lt. Frank Parker: Suddenly it's social hour.

Donovan: I figure I'd get to know the man I'm about to die with.

Lt. Frank Parker: What if I say... The 'M' Word!

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: What 'M' word?

Lt. Frank Parker: Marriage, baby.

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: You want to marry me?

Lt. Frank Parker: Yeah, I do!

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: Okay, say I say 'yes'. You want a long engagement, with congugal relations of course, then you'll find some excuse to change your mind.

Lt. Frank Parker: No way, I'll marry you as fast as we can get our blood tests. You name the day, I'll book the chapel.

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: I'll check my calendar.

Lt. Frank Parker: You do that.

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: I will.

Lt. Frank Parker: Good.

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: Fine.

Lt. Frank Parker: Listen you freakin' morons, Nathan Ramsey is so patriotic he makes Newt Gingrich look like Karl Marx.

[Ramsey throws a USA Today newspaper onto the briefing table which has detailed information on Project Backstep]

Nathan Ramsey: Great, now even the commies know about Backstep!

Dr. Olga Vukavitch: They even have photographs.

Lt. Frank Parker: You never take a bad one, do you?

Lt. Frank Parker: Look, Dr. Zhivago, you look like a sensible guy, so let's just bottom-line this thing. We got a groom who's chasing every skirt on the continent, the uncle of the bride shoving her down the aisle to pay for his electric bill, a bride that's only going along because she thinks that's what good little princesses do, a room full of guests who only care about the free food, and an ex-mental patient with an Uzi in his hand and a trigger finger that's starting to get itchy. So what do you say we all just pack up our samosas and go home, huh?

Lt. Frank Parker: 80,000 Francs? That's a bargain. I'll take it.

Nathan Ramsey: [over an open phone line] "Take it"? Take what? Parker, if your pissing away Uncle Sam's money again...

Lt. Frank Parker: And, uh... Throw in a couple of those cufflinks, you know the platinum jobs with the diamonds.

Nathan Ramsey: No diamonds! We don't pay for diamonds. Fake diamonds! Parker! Pick up the phone! Parker! Answer me! I'll rip your f...

[Parker hangs up]

[Parker is requesting time off]

Lt. Frank Parker: I'd be on beeper the whole time. A plane crashes, Disneyland gets bombed, the leaning tower falls on its ass, I'll be here with bells on.

Dr. Bradley Talmadge: We're going to undo that event.

Lt. Frank Parker: [Ramsey is briefing the team on global hot-spots and when Olga spills coffee on him] Check it out, a new global hot-spot.

Capt. Craig Donovan: Oh, baby, I hope we don't get sent into that region.

Nathan Ramsey: This is not funny!