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  • Hitchcoc4 May 1999
    I now know what eternity would be like. This incredible mess occupied four hours I will never get back. My kids wanted to watch it. They liked the animals. I am no Old Testament scholar, but the way the script played fast and loose with the details, was really disappointing. I'm sure all of us remember Lot! He's the guy who left the city of Sodom with his wife. She looked back and was turned into a pillar of salt. I never realized he kept her finger in a jar after that. I also didn't know that he later became a pirate and tried to board the ark. If Noah had gone up the mountain to get the Ten Commandments, I wouldn't have been surprised. You can imagine a screenwriter, trying to adapt about two Bible chapters into a four hour mini-series. Still, with imagination and effort, it could have worked. The characters are ridiculous. This has got to be the lowest that Mary Steenbergen has gone. Her character is a mawkish idiot, spouting 1960's June Cleaver dialogue. Noah, played by John Voight, is a buffoon, and then they have these three sons who shovel dung and complain. Except for Japhet, who is the artist. He sits around and ponders. One of them develops a ventriloquist act and talks to an orange for about an hour. The animals are superimposed using computer graphics but not very well. I know it is a mini-series, but visually it is awful.

    Most of the film involves the Noah family sitting around being bored. There is this thing about not putting a rudder on the boat so they are floating around, as if they knew where they were going anyway. The Lord was my favorite. He had this silly conversational voice, somewhat indecisive and flippant, sort of like George Burns. The scene where the whole family goes temporarily insane is when I finally gave up. I am as open minded as the next person, but I'd like to hear some sort of justification for this mess. Was it entirely tongue in cheek? Did I miss the whole point because no-one was supposed to be serious. Oh, well, I am interested to see other comments about this thing.
  • NBC had a chance to make a powerful religious epic along the lines of "The Ten Commandments" and "The Greatest Story Ever Told," and instead they chose to make some halfhearted cartoon that was more like "Waterworld" than anything else. I don't recall a Bible passage where Lot turns into a pirate and attacks the ark, nor do I remember one where Noah's son develops a serious friendship with an orange, nor do I remember Noah being some crazy old loon who suddenly acts like he's commanding a naval fleet and runs around shouting nautical terms like "hoist the mainstay!" This was possibly the worst marketing decision in history. Obviously the majority of people watching this were going to be Jewish and Christian parents with their kids, so why on earth make the movie so offensive to those people? If they were intentionally trying to offend, why not advertise it that way and at least reel in the right audience?? I hope they make a REAL Noah movie someday, one done seriously and thoughtfully, one that actually appeals to people and makes money. Until then, don't waste your time with this trash.
  • This was on the children's shelf at our local video store. BIG mistake; there's enough violence in this to give an adult nightmares, let alone a child, and more sexual references than I'd care to explain to my innocent six year old. We did a lot of fast forwarding in the beginning.

    That said, even as an adult movie, this is a completely unredeemable film. The script is stupid, and the story is so twisted and convoluted that it would hardly be recognizable as a Bible story at all if it weren't for the big boat and the pairs of animals. If they wanted to do a Sodom and Gomorrah movie (not that I think that would go over well in today's political climate, but I'd like to see it anyway), they could have done one, and not tried to throw that event (which was a good thousand years, at least, after Noah's Flood) in with the flood. The script is tasteless and stupid, the acting (especially by Mary Steenburgen) is wooden. Even the scene with the animals, which is prettily-enough done, isn't enough to make this a movie worth watching. Give this one a miss, and definitely DO NOT get it for your kids.
  • I've spent quite a while going through all the reviews for this film. I'm in total agreement with almost every reviewer in saying that Noah's Ark is crap, crap, crap, crap, crap! Don't the executives at NBC have any class? I feel sick to my stomach for actually watching both parts of this mini-series. The script is so dumb, so pointless, and yes, TOTALLY INACCURATE! I can understand making a few changes for dramatic purposes, but this film changed just about everything in the story. God himself is going to go through the trouble to kill off the entire Earth's population, but he somehow misses one guy that's sailing around trying to sell stuff to Noah. Give me a break! And what was up with Noah's sons acting like Indiana Jones, saving girls in distress? If all that isn't bad enough, there's the part where God apologizes to Noah and says "I'm sorry Noah, I was wrong". Newsflash NBC, GOD CAN NOT BE WRONG! This film is the most tasteless and disgraceful Biblical film ever made.
  • Sorry about that. But if you have seen this "epic", you will obviously know of the utter disregard for the actual text of the Bible. Now, I'm not exactly the next in line for sainthood, but I do know the basics. And the basics were this. God wanted to wipe everyone of the face of the Earth because he believed they have been corrupted to the point of no return. He chose Noah, the diamond in the rough, and his family to be spared due to their uncorrupted ways. Noah builds an ark as instructed by God to house he, his family, and two of every creature while he floods the rest of the planet. Those are the basics. In this movie, you have other people roaming around the seas such as peddlers and pirates. But I thought that EVERYONE was wiped out. I guess the executives at NBC have never been to church. There are other inaccuracies, I'm told, but being the average Joe, I have no idea what they are. Sorry. Back to the movie, it was inaccurate, as stated before, the acting stunk, but some of the effects were good, I'll give it that. But as a whole, I've seen a better and more tasteful rendition of the story done as a little scene on The Simpsons. God help the NBC executives come judgement day. 3/10
  • ariadnek24 September 2006
    Warning: Spoilers
    I know the bible inside out and from the onset, it was obvious this movie was not meant to be taken seriously. The variations to the truth were crazy. eg. It was Abraham, not Noah who was advised by 3 angels Sodom was to be destroyed but it was good cinema photography to see the fire and brimstone falling out of the sky in the same movie as the flood. The most hilarious scene was Noahs wife trying to throw out spiders in glass jars out of the arks window. Also how some of the wicked survived the flood and came after Noah in Viking ships only to be destroyed by a sudden sea tornado! I laughed through out and recommend this movie to anyone who needs a laugh and isn't expecting an exact biblical account. If you want that, read the bible!
  • I'll dispense with the obvious review of factual inaccuracies. They are too numerous to name. A much shorter list would be what they got right. 1. Dude named Noah. 2. Ark with animals on it.

    If you want a much more accurate portrayal of Noah's Ark and the destruction of Sodom, go rent "The Bible" (1966). It depicts the story of creation through Abraham attempting to sacrifice his son Isaac. It's a much better movie, and it may be that the abomination called "Noah's Ark" (1999) drove you to seek just such a film.

    I really couldn't stomach watching the whole movie. From reading other comments, I can see that even the atheists found it grossly inaccurate. As a Christian, it was intolerable to me. Possibly the worst movie ever made. No real point to this movie either, except maybe to showcase their sub-par computer animation.

    Was it a complete waste? Maybe not. God can use evil to work good.

    Romans 8:28 says, [28] And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose.

    Genesis 50 says, [20] But as for you, ye thought evil against me; but God meant it unto good, to bring to pass, as it is this day, to save much people alive.

    In the second example, Joseph's brothers meant to kill him, but God turned their evil into a very great good. He may have done the same thing with this movie.

    People were so astonished by its lack of Biblical foundation, that they probably broke out the dusty old Bible and read the story for themselves. To find out about Lot and Sodom, they would have to go the whole way up to Genesis 19 before God destroys Sodom and Gomorrah. By then, they have read almost half of Genesis, so they might want to finish. The next book is Exodus, which the movie "The Ten Commandments" was based on (and much more accurately). If they have seen that movie, then Exodus becomes an easy read. So now they have read at least two whole books of the Bible, just because they watched a pathetic movie about Noah's Ark. I'm sure this actually happened to someone out there.

    God works in mysterious ways.
  • This is one of the worst mini-series I have ever seen on TV. I sat through the first half hoping it would improve but it only went from bad to worse. Needless to say I could not bring myself to sit through the torture of a second nights viewing. What was Jon Voight thinking when he made this?????
  • ...are words that describe GOOD films like "The Ten Commandments", "Elizabeth" and "The Odyssey" rather than this terrible excuse of a mini-series. When NBC was advertising this "gripping" television movie, I was convinced that this movie was going to be good. I was comparing it to "The Odyssey" which was another on-sea epic. But that was the only similarity. "The Odyssey" was an excellent, captivating, ACCURATE true-to-the-real-story film. "Noah's Ark" was probably the worst piece of garbage that has come out of my t.v. What an insult to the Catholic faith! If you want a movie, that is faithful to the its real story, rent "The Odyssey" and "The Mission". You want to see a better performance out of Alexis Denisof? Watch "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" his role as the uptight Wesley Wyndham-Pryce suits him better than this the feeble character he played here. And you want to see an excellent mini-series this year? Watch the CBS movie "Joan of Arc". Now THAT was a good movie.
  • Funniest film I've seen in a long time (albeit unintentionally so). Loved the pirates chasing the ark - I expected eye-patches, peg-legs, parrots calling "Pieces of eight, pieces of eight", &c. Perhaps they were using an old Monty Python script.

    Bad guys don't wear black hats in this film; instead they have rotten teeth.

    I read an article by an extra (Jonathan Biggins) in "The Sydney Morning Herald" in which he said the cheetah (or some other "wild" cat) earned more on the shoot than he did. This says something for the production values of this film.

    Yea and verily, my brothers and sisters, behold a Grade-One Turkey. Question is - is it SO bad that it will earn cult status?
  • This rendition of "Noah's Ark" has set Hallmark's (and Turner's) reputation back about 100 years. However, the production has it's bright side...a learning experience for neophyte movie entrepreneurs in "how not to make a movie"

    Where in the annals of Biblical literature and common sense can one find these quotes and situations:

    "Ok, boys, let's saddle up." "It's too bad that God created the sun to shine only during the day when we really needed it at night." "We're not kissing...we're only whispering in each others' mouths."

    Lumber for building the Ark with "Georgia Pacific" stamped on it. Metal nails. Kids flying kites. A peddler (how can James Coburn sleep after this) selling Chinese hats. Pirates attacking a wooden Ark, which they wished to capture, with flaming tar balls of fire shot from catapults. Glass bottles of wine (Noah was in a continual state of inibriation. It was a miracle that he could see the Ark let alone build it.) Lady Godiva (Mary Steenberg in a blond wig tromping around the Ark on a white horse...still rated G) Warding off Biblical pirates with an iron (teflon-lined?) frying pan. Landing on Mount Ararat after having passed through the Straights of Hercules.

    etc., etc., etc.

    Special've got to see them in order not to believe them.

    The list goes on. This movie must not be missed; but if you want the full TV version, you must call NBC for the screen version...but only if you agree to absolve NBC of all responsibility of ever having aired the thing in the first place. Only the expurgated version exists in video stores (no pirates, etc.)...that is, those video stores that dare to stock it.

    Marvin Cohn
  • Let's make this clear, I'm rating this highly because it's a very entertaining BAD movie. If you like that sort of thing (and you know who you are), this may be the movie for you. If you're looking for a serious Biblical epic or an *intentionally* funny movie, keep looking.

    I saw some clips on Encore, and assumed it was a parody (think "Monty Python's Life of Noah"). Then I googled it, and realized it was meant to be taken seriously. With that in mind, it's kind of like a horrible car wreck you can't look away from.

    Where to start...

    First of all, they combine the stories of Sodom and Gomorra. Since I don't actually believe either one, this didn't bother me so much. God warns Noah that He's going to destroy Sodom, and Lot gets saved because he's Noah's friend, rather than the whole "Please rape my daughters" thing that's in the Bible. In fact, Lot's daughters are left out entirely, which also gets them out of the awkward part where he gets drunk and has sex with them after they leave the city (what, you never learned that part in Sunday school?). The Ark stuff comes later.

    In order to make appeal to a wider audience, the "punched it up" a bit, with action, cheesy special effects, and attempts at humor, some which are funny - although the funniest bits are unintentional. There's also an incredible amount talent wasted on this film. Oscar winners (!) Jon Voight and F. Murray Abraham play Noah and Lot, with Mary Steenburgen and Carol Kane playing their wives. Even James Coburn makes a couple cameos. Their salaries didn't leave them a lot left over for minor things like decent sets. The battle scenes really do look like Monty Python. In addition to playing Noah, Voight also provides the voice of God, presumably because they couldn't afford James Earl Jones. Also, what is it about made for TV movies and accents? Noah and his wife clearly have American accents, while most other people - including their kids - have strong British accents.

    The tone is a roller coaster, ranging from sincerely reverent, to bawdy humor (Lot: "Not staying for the orgy, Noah?") to actual slapstick (Lot's wife fall head first into a vat of dye at one point). The music faithfully tracks the tone, transitioning from Cecile B. DeMille to Three Stooges.

    You may wonder why the flood happens only halfway through the movie. Without giving any spoilers, I'll just say that there's plenty to come. Grab your beer and popcorn, because that's when things get *really* weird.

    So if you like to watch bad movies and give them the Mystery Science 3000 treatment, keep this one in mind.

    In the end, I dinged it a couple of points because as a two part miniseries, it's a bit too long, and when it's not really bad, it's merely boring. I'm seriously considering buying the DVD so I can edit down to a 90 minute party cut.
  • Recently I borrowed a copy of this mess of a movie, which took me three sessions over three days to get through. That's another comment in the making.

    But what I wanted to comment on first was the carelessness on the special features of the DVD. It included a game of memory, which asks the player/viewer to match up pairs of animals in order for them to board the ark. However, every time it reveals the chosen animal, the screen prompts the player to find (or congratulates the player on finding)"it's mate." This is a spelling error since it should be "its mate" as possessive pronoun, not a contraction for "it is." It is an annoying error to keep repeating 16 or more times to finish a game. Of course, it's a kid's activity really, but teaches kids incorrect spelling.

    And, oh yeah, the game never changes. It is the same game with the same locations of the same animals each time. Plus it doesn't keep score, like the number of moves it took to solve the game. So there is no lasting value or challenge to it. It's just a feature to list on the packaging.

    Simply put, there could have been more thought and care put into this "special" feature, just like there could have been more thought and care put into this muddled film.
  • Okay, this is the most unaccurate bible movie I've ever seen, and I've seen quite a few. I was laughing pretty hard, too, and if MST3k ever comes back, I hope they MST this movie!

    First of all, Lot, who will be one of Noah's sons, is out there with Noah in the sea, and somehow manages to find him in the vast ocean, and then he tries to pirate his ship. For you Bible illiterates, Lot was not born until AFTER the flood.

    Second of all, God, who sounds like an old friend of mine, told Noah he was going to die to keep the evil out of his world for ever. Noah then does an incredibly cheasy dance that makes God laugh, and then he lets him go.

    Third of all, God uses about 50 cliches, all of which were born within the last 25 years, not the last 64,000 years!

    This movie, as I say in the subject, probably has Falwell and his followers in a rampage, ready to strangle the daylights out of the writers.

    Before I go:

    "Well, they found Noah's Ark. Did you hear this? Yup. It was found in a dumpster behind NBC studios!"

    --Jay Leno
  • Dramatic ? Yes......Historically accurate ? Not Quite !.... This movie twists the Bibles details of the deluge by placing Lot meeting Noah during the building of the Ark. Fascinating time travel for Lot made in part by NBC !....being Lot had not been born until 2136 BCE, 234 years AFTER the floodwater's (2370BCE)....Thats like having George Bush meet with William Shakepeare ! And whats with this guy floating around selling items & nicknack's to Noah ?

    You can make a movie based on historical facts dramatic, but don't twist it around placing people where they weren't....especially when it comes to Gods Word.
  • saintsday29 December 2001
    How can so many blundering decisions can be made. All that waste of resources!Its an idiotic story to begin with but theres no need to make it worse.A loose interpretation? Are you kidding! it diminishes my regard for Voight and Coburn.I hope they were paid well.
  • May-1724 August 1999
    This story was great story to read from the bible it was one of my most favorite stories that I heard coming from Sunday school in church. But that was in the year of 1981. I am now 27 years old and happily married.

    I was excited to rent a movie that I just knew I would love knowing that it was my most favorite story to hear when I was a child.

    As I was watching the movie I notice the character of Lot.

    Noah must of been really old For at that time if Lot was living Noah was 2,458 years old. Now it is recorded that Noah lived to be 950 years old. My question is how is it that Noah was alive at the same time Lot was alive? Impossible! And While I am on the subject of Lot, yes, he had a wife named Sarah, but what happened to his two daughters? As I look at my facts I see that the writer got Noah and Abram confused. It was Abram who rescued Lot and Lot's family(wife and two daughters.)Lot's wife name was Sarah the writer got that right. In the movie I noticed that the writer left out the two daughters that Lot had. How sad... We know that Lot was living in the time of Sodom and Gomorrah. Which should tell you that when this tragic occurrence happen it was at least 2,458 years later after the flood. This writer said in his story of Noah that Sodom and Gomorrah happened before. Again, Impossible! My only thoughts on this is I hope and pray that the writer can learn from his misinformation he presented in this movie. And I encourage the writer to read the Holy Bible. The book of Genesis.
  • Mini-series' are usually average at best, but this feeble minded rip-off is the single worst TV outing I have ever experienced. I wonder if the writers had ever looked at this seriously. The talents of Jon Voight and Mary Steenburgen are wasted in this awful shoddy piece of Hollywood trash. I am an Australian and I was watching this (as it was filmed here) and I thought to myself what a terrible misrepresentation of the Australian people and what an embarrassment to the film industry. Not to mention the 'poetic license' line used at the start of the show. Fair enough it is really only a few chapters in the Bible but c'mon since when was Lot a scumbag, Lot wasn't even born when Noah was around. IT WAS ABRAHAM THAT PLEADED WITH GOD. I could say more but I won't just avoid this useless excuse for show.
  • After struggling for an hour and 45 minutes (including many commercials,) I concluded that this theological hodge-podge coupled with "B" movie Hollywood "glitz" was insulting my intelligence, plain inane, and boring. Jon Voight was much more exciting in Midnight Cowboy, Coming Home and Deliverance.

    I hope we have seen the last of this one and the producers will not waste their time producing a video for sale and rent.

    I must admit that the animal computer simulations were extremely well done and thoroughly enjoyed by my four year old grandson!
  • hoistmypatard3 August 2003
    I could not believe what i saw...(once) brilliant actors appearing in this dire effort that should never of been made. The plots are dreadful and the dialogue appauling (at first i thought it was a spoof), and the acting abysmal. Everything about it is bad, from the cheap sets to the phony backdrops, a bunch of paintings enlarged. Respectable filmakers struggle to get their vision realised, yet this blasphemous, pathetic attempt at a mini-series makes it to our television's, with 3 oscar winners making appearances. I can only guess everyone involved somehow hurt the writer and director and were forced (maybe at gunpoint)to star in this worthless T.V. trash.
  • I saw the coming attractions about 2-3 months before this aweful

    movie came out! i was so excited. After watching NBC's "Merlin"

    and "The Odyssey" i expected the network to do the same for

    Noah's Ark.

    I had my tape all ready to record(and keep) this movie. Instead

    when i saw part 1, i was completely disgusted!! The acting was

    horrible! Some of the effects were cheesy! And most of all, the

    writers screwed up the bible!! They completely turned everything

    around! The scenes and script did not make any sense. many of

    the scenes in the movie were not according to the bible.

    After seeing a scene in part 2 in which Noah and his family goes

    completely bonkers, i shut that VCR off and turned the channel!!

    The actors for the most part were just terrible! Of all the movies to

    act in Jon Voight had to act in this mess (all for money i guess)!

    Mary Steenburgen(why her!!!) was just completely boring and

    irritating; same for Carol Kane as Lot's wife ("I want to see!! I want

    to see!! ) I do not know why NBC picked these and actors that

    were in the movie.

    Anyway, i finally had a chance to say what i wanted to say about

    this "Noah's Ark". from a rating of 1-10, i give it a big fat ZERO!!

    Don't waste your time on this boring trash!!!!
  • roybudhoo2 January 2002
    This is the most inaccurate and disgraceful biblical film i have ever has the misfortune to watch. I would like to know why anybody on earth could enjoy viewing this. I am so surprised that a big name like Jon Voight would agree to act in this disgraceful piece of garbage. Many people who may not have read the bible will now be mislead by believing this film was accurate and the thought of that really bothers me. I think the makers have a lot to answer for. The worst thing is that, i believe nobody could make such obvious mistakes with a biblical film, since they can research the bible for the truth, so i believe the makers deliberately twisted what the bible says, and that is something nobody has the right to do and i find that very offensive. There are no words strong enough to describe exactly how i feel about this.
  • I was save from watching this rag since I happened to be taping it for later viewing. My 12-year-old daughter wasn't so lucky since she watched it live. She was outraged by all the inaccuracies. Her comment to me at one point was, "You'd think if they were going to make a movie about the Bible, they'd find someone who had actually read it." Fabulous! (Her comment - not the movie) It was so entertaining to hear from the other room shouting out the inaccuracies as they happened. What fun! If you have kids who actually know the Bible, I suggest you suffer through this movie with them just for the entertainment value of your kid's comments!
  • > The following is a copy I wrote to on Sunday evening: > Re: Noah's Ark: > "We're watching Part I. This script has Noah engaging in a dialog with God > about not finding ten righteous people in Sodom. This event occurred in > Genesis 18:32, over 300 years AFTER Noah's death and was between ABRAHAM and > God, NOT Noah and God. Ham also made a statement referring to God's laws; > humankind wasn't aware of living by God's laws until Moses was given the law > on Mt. Sinai 1,111 years AFTER Ham was, as he looks to be in this movie, > about 10 years old. If the intention of this movie by Hollywood script > writer's and directors was to seriously alter the facts, so far they have > done a tremendous job. My ten year old daughter, who knows the Bible, is > sitting here watching this, and she is totally confused." As an added > comment, after I sent the original e mail, the movie shows the remaining > material for the ark appearing one morning...all structural lumber. I was > surprised that Norm Abram, didn't show up to help with the construction and > Bob Vila to try to do whatever he does... > Come on folks, what are you doing? >
  • With all of the advertising, I thought this movie would be something that my child and I could watch and experience the glory of God on film, such as with "The Ten Commandments" and "Prince of Egypt". Yet, as I sat down and began to view this...... motion picture, I had to put my four-year old daughter in another room so I could prevent Peter Barnes and NBC from tearing down what God is building up.

    I could not believe the way this film portrayed the historical first act of God's anger against mankind. The ONLY correct things in this..... motion picture was the name of the main character, and the kind of water vessel that was built. In the Word (the BIBLE), Noah's wife has no name, his sons are MARRIED to those women, it rained FORTY days (not one, and they lounged on a 'deck' for 39), there was no deck and no flag on the Ark, the water took FIVE MONTHS to recede, and there were NO other survivors but the eight people on the Ark. Oh, and by the way, Noah did not closed the door on the Ark - God did.

    At the beginning of the movie, I believe there was a caption that said that the story was conformed to fit into todays' society. My God, this last day we live in needs the true and unadulterated Word of God more than ever before!! The devil himself was behind this project, and he used Peter Barnes to down-size a very pertinent part of end-time prophecy. In this film, it leads people to believe that God tolerates outright sin, and that is a lie. Shackers, alcoholics, murderers, and fornicators did not dwell on the ark, neither did INSANITY. It was also made to appear as if Noah's conscience was speaking in this film instead of the voice of God. The Creator of the Heavens and the Earth is NOT a punk, unlike His adversary.

    So, the next time the decision is made to bring the Bible to the box office, please READ it first.
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