6 September 2002 | Captain Ed
Almost, not quite unwatchable
I like to exercise early in the morning on an exercycle, and I keep my mind off the time by watching a tension-filled movie. At 5 am, there are few good choices. This morning I watched Valentine's Day, and discovered that what little tension exists in this movie is the uncertainty about how bad it will get.
Everyone in this movie seems to be dialing in their performances from Cliché Central except for the lead actress (which isn't Rae Dawn Chong, despite the billing on the poster and HBO). She is truly terrible -- she sounds drunk and/or stoned while giving monotone readings of her lines. Despite her extensive nude scenes with Mario Van Peebles, she fails to generate any energy at all. Simply put, she's boring as hell on screen.
The story concept may have been interesting in the hands of a better writer, but where Someone To Watch Over Me managed to squeeze some entertainment, VD simply paints by the numbers. Randy Quaid's snarl isn't enough to inject life into this dog. Don't bother unless you have insomnia and are desperate for the cure.