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  • Warning: Spoilers
    Credited to the fictitious "Louis Warren", FIREBOX is a no-budget Joe Sarno video that merely proves a written script can be as lousy as an improv exercise. The other title credited to "Warren", TEASER, featuring an identical cast, has just been issued on DVD-R by Video-X-Pix.

    Title is obviously a knockoff of the Clint Eastwood film FIREFOX, which I recall after seeing in first-run as being an "odd man out" in his career, since he was not in the habit then (or now) of directing big-budget special effects pictures (HEREAFTER is not a biggie by current standards). FIREBOX's only link to Clint is having a Russian character.

    Ron Jeremy portrays Sergei Kaminski, an international arms dealer in New York, who is selling some missiles, with Sarno regular Nina Preta as his confederate. Hot on their tail is detective Elliot Guess, sort of portrayed by Michael Knight wearing shades. To complete the unfunny satire, Guess is part of a mysterious group called The Incorruptibles -I can almost hear Robert Stack's theme song playing.

    The cast spits out some turgid dialog from time to time, but FIREBOX is another tired Sarno all-sex video, with everyone, regardless of storyline or logistics, repairing to the same mangy bed with its large wall mirror whenever a sex scene is enacted. I love to use the Yiddish word "shtupp" for referring to this action, and in this video Jeremy uses that term over & over.

    Poor co-star Damien Cashmere remarks "She's as hot as a runaway cyclotron" at one point -yuk, YUCK! Unfortunately Ron tries to be cute (as is his wont) by making silly quips from time to time, all of which fall flat. Example, after comparing his own dick to an MX missile, Ron as Sergei says: "You know an anti-ballistic missile system is known as Sergio Preventé". Fortunately, in this scene the stock rock music used in every one of these '80s Sarno videos comes on to drown him out.

    Annette Heinz is stuck with a silly role as Guess's assistant, and I truly felt sorry for her amongst the otherwise going-through-the-motions (literally) cast. She tries talking dirty during the requisite lesbian scene with Preta, and the film almost generates some heat for once, given their Sarno-approved exaggerated heavy breathing.

    Late in the picture Knight and Preta are doing a sixty-nine, and after the cut to the reverse shot one can clearly hear Joe's familiar voice whispering "Action" to begin the next take. It's probably my favorite moment in the picture.

    SPOILER ALERT:

    After tiresome sex scenes, one after the other, with poor Jeanna Fine stuck wearing her horrendous two-tone Mohawk hairdo of the period, film ends with an asinine version of the Humphrey Bogart/Mary Astor riff that climaxed John Huston's THE MALTESE FALCON. Elliot Guess finishes off Preta with a money shot, demands she give him some "more head", and then announces calmly "I love you too, baby, but I'm afraid I've got to take you in". Speculating she should get 10 to 20, but probably get out of prison in 7 for good behavior, he says: "And I'll be waiting".

    Poor Nina mangles the English language again in this video and like Jeanna, was mistreated by the hairdresser, who makes her look like something the cat drug in. I guess Sarno kept hiring her out of some sadistic streak.