Alex Borstein credited as playing...
Lois Griffin • Tricia Takanawa • Barbara Pewterschmidt • Loretta Brown • Old Lady • Additional Voices • Jewish Woman • Woman • Barbara Pewderschmidt • Girl • Lois Griffin as Princess Leia • Mother • Nicole • Wife • Asian Woman • Babs Pewterschmidt • Connie's Friend • Crystal Quagmire • Elle Hitler • Ellen DeGeneres • Fat Woman • Fran Drescher • GPS • Hooker • Joanna • Julie • Kelly McGillis • Marlee Matlin • Mrs. Claus • Nurse • Receptionist • Stephanie • Stewardess • Voiceover • Woman in Car • Wonder Woman • 37 Year Old Woman • Adoption Agency Receptionist • Alex Borstein • Amelia Bedford-Furthington-Chesterhill • Andrea • Angie • Ariel • Asian Hooker • Asian Kid • Aunt Bee • Aunt Lil • Aunt Marguerite • Baby Heimlich Kid • Band Member #3 • Barara Stresiland • Barbara Pewterschmidt as Aunt Beru • Barbra Streisand • Beach Girl #1 • Becca • Betty • Black Actress • Black Chick • Black Student • Black Woman • Boy • Boy in K-Mart • Brad's Mom • Brenda • Broadway Actress • Brunette Sitcom Mom • Calvin Klein Model #3 • Carol Alt • Catherine Bell • Cathy • Channel 5 News Reporter • Charmisse • Cheerleader #2 • Chemotherapy Patient's Wife • Church Goer #2 • Classmate #2 • Coach • Condoleezza Rice • Customer • Customer #1 • Dancy • Deborah Kerr • Deep Sea Trainer #3 • Deirdre Jackson • Dharma • Diabeto's Mom • Diana • Dixie Student #1 • Dixie Teacher • Dora • ET Announcer • Edith Bunker • Elderly Woman • Eleanor • Ellen • Ellen Barkin • Empire Member's Wife • Erica • European Woman • Eva • Female Announcer • Female CBS Executive • Female Classmate • Female Co-Worker • Female Coach • Female Crowds • Female Customer • Female Hipster • Female Reporter #1 • Female Voiceover • Fisty • Flappy's Waitress • Flo Capp • Fourth Girl Teacher • Fox-or-Disney Payroll • Fundamental Industries Lady • Future Teacher • Georgia O'Keeffe • Gerald's Wife • Gina • Girl #2 • Girl in Commercial • Gladys • Gloria • Gorgeous Woman • Grandma • Gwendoline Christie • Gym Teacher • Gymnastic Lady #1 • Harriet • Harry Houdini's Wife • Helen • Hostage #2 • Hot Girl's Mother • Housewives • Ice Man's Wife • Irene Takanawa • Irish Nun • Italian Mom • Jane Bronte • Jeanine - Lame Chick #1 • Jennifer • Jennifer Parker • Jenny Curran • Jessica Fletcher • Jewish Boy • Jewish Teacher • Jock #2 • Jodie Foster • Judge Judy • Julia Louis-Dreyfus • Julia Roberts • Jury • Karen • Karen Black • Karin Parotta • Kathy Griffin • Katie Coates • Kelly • Kidnapped Lady #1 • Klanswoman • LaToya Jackson • Lady Astor • Lady Cadwallider • Lady Redbush • Lemonade Girl • Lesley Stahl • Librarian • Lifeguard • Lifetime Announcer • Linda Tripp • Liza • Liza Minnelli • Lois Griffin as Constance • Lois Griffin as Mary • Lorelai's Mom • MTV Host #1 • Maggie Gyllenhaal • Marcia Sindell • Margaret • Marge Simpson • Marion Cunningham • Marla • Massager • Mexican #2 • Mexican Actress • Middle Eastern Woman • Middle-Aged Woman • Midge • Midget Wife • Mike Brady's First Wife • Miracle Worker Mother • Miss Stratford • Mom • Mr. Berler's Wife • Mrs. Connors • Mrs. Danneman • Mrs. Epstein • Mrs. Garrett • Mrs. Lipstein • Ms. Pac-Man • Ms. Swan • Mts. Stevens • Nancy • Natalia • New Quahog Citizen #2 • Nun #1 • Nun Leader • Old Century Student • Old Woman • Olivia Walton • Olivia's Mom • OnStar Voiceover • Orville Wright's Wife • Passenger • Passenger #2 • Patty • Paula Poundstone • Pearl Burton • Peggy • Penguin Publishing Receptionist • Phoebe Diamond • Phone Operator • Phone Voiceover • Piano Boy's Mom • Pink Panther's Wife • Princess • Prisoner • Quahog Resident #2 • Quahog Soup Kitchen Waitress • Rat Wife • Red-Head • Renee Russo • Ricky Martin Fans • Robin Hood • Robot Wife • Rodney's Wife • Rose DeWitt Bukater • Rosie • Rudolph • Sally • Sandra Bullock • Sandy • Scarlett Johansson • Secretary • Sharon Stone • Sheila • Sindy • Stripper • Stripping Announcer • Supreme Justice #2 • Survivor's Wife • Susan Sarandon • Susie Myerson • Sy Snootles • Tasty Juice Actress • Teacher • Teenage Girl #2 • The Dating Game Host • Thelma • Thomas' Wife • Tiffany • Tim • Tim's Wife • Tina Fey • Tracey • Tyra Banks • Vanessa • Vera • Veterinarian • Voicemail • Widow • Wile E. Coyote's Wife • Wilma Flintstone • Winona Ryder • Wisconsin Nymphomaniac • Witch • Woman #1 • Woman at Baseball Game • Woman at Picnic • Woman from Roadhouse • Woman in Bar • Woman in Bathroom Stall #1 • Woman in Bed • Woman in Book Club #2 • Woman in Club • Woman on Bench • Woman on Game Show
- Lois Griffin: What's going on?
- Stewie Griffin: We're playing house.
- Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.
- Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.
- Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Hey there, Sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing. Huh?
- Glen Quagmire: [from afar] Giggidy!
- Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
- Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
- Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president?
- Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
- [makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
- Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
- Angry Man: Oh great, I always end up sitting next to a damn baby.
- Stewie Griffin: What did you just say?
- Lois Griffin: Stewie, stop fussing.
- Stewie Griffin: Pipe down Lois. Hey big man, turn around. Oh you can't hear me now. I was going to watch the movie, but forget it. For the next 5 hours, you're my bitch.
- Stewie Griffin: [furiously kicks the seat in front of him] Wah wah wah my ears are popping and there's no way to console me Wah! Maybe I'm teething, Maybe I'm hungry, who knows? I'm a baby!
- Machine: You have 113 new messages
- [Phone starts to beep]
- Lois Griffin: Oh my!
- Old Man: Uh, yeah, I was just wondering, uh... where the newspaper boy was.
- [beep]
- Old Man: Haven't seen the newspaper in a couple days. Wonderin' if he ever gonna come back.
- [beep]
- Old Man: Guess who? Sorry to leave you so many messages. Just lonely here. Thinkin' about the muscly-armed paperboy. Wishin' he'd come by and bring me some good news.
- [beep]
- Old Man: Where are you?
- [beep]
- Old Man: Ah, you're starting to piss me off, you little piggly son of a bitch. Call me.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, you brought this on yourself by putting on those filthy shows.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, Lois, you are so full of...
- [a representative from the FCC blows an air horn, drowning out Peter's final word]
- Peter Griffin: What? I can't say
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: in my own
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: house!
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: great, Lois! Just
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: great! You know, you're lucky you're good at
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: my
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: or I'd never put up with you. You know what I'm talking about, when you
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: a lubed up
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: of toothpaste in my
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: while you
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: on a cherry
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: Episcopalian
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: extension cord
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: wetness
- [horn]
- Peter Griffin: with a parking ticket. That is the best.
- Lois Griffin: My therapist said we should try a trick called "role reversal", it's where you pretend to be the person who makes you angry. Don't listen to your mother, kids. She's stupid and worthless and you should only listen to me, Peter.
- Peter Griffin: I'm Lois. I brake for yard sales but I won't let Peter buy anything he likes like that neon beer sign with the chick who had two mugs for jugs. It was only $8 and we had a dozen places to put it.
- Stewie: I'm the dog. I'm well read and have a diverse stock portfolio. But I'm not above eating grass clippings and regurgitating them on the rug.
- Brian Griffin: I'm a pompous little antichrist who will abandon my plans for world domination when I grow up and wind up settling with a rough trick named Jim.
- Lois Griffin: Chris where have you been?
- Chris Griffin: Dad took me to see a plastic surgeon to have liposuction but I didn't have it done.
- Lois Griffin: Good for you Chris. That was a very grown-up decision. I mean what kind of egomanical pretentious jerk gets liposuction.
- Peter Griffin: [in a very sexy voice] Hello!
- Lois Griffin: [talking to Chris] We'll continue this discussion tonight, young man. A woman is not an object.
- Peter Griffin: She's right, son. Listen to what it says.
- Lois Griffin: Peter!
- Hooker: Hey
- Lois Griffin: Peter, there's a hooker in the bed!
- Peter Griffin: Stand still, Lois. Their vision is based on movement
- [they stand still]
- Hooker: Where did you go?
- Lois Griffin: Meg... is that a real Prada bag? How did you make $1100 as a waitress in a week?
- Meg Griffin: It's easy... when you're the unwed teenage mother of a crack-addicted baby. Ha ha ha ha...
- Peter Griffin: Whoa, whoa, whoa, Meg. When did you become a teenager?
- Lois Griffin: Peter, she's sixteen.
- Peter Griffin: You KNEW about this?
- Lois Griffin: Don't try to pawn this off on your sister! She's a good girl!
- Chris Griffin: Oh, yeah? Well, what about the time she strangled our other sister?
- Lois Griffin: Oh, honey, we told you... that never happened. It was just a bad dream.
- Chris Griffin: But I remember it so...
- Lois Griffin, Peter Griffin: IT WAS A DREAM!
- Lois Griffin: Meg, put your bib on.
- Meg Griffin: I don't want to wear a bib.
- Lois Griffin: Meg, honey, it's very cold in here. Maybe you'd be more comfortable with your bib on.
- Peter Griffin: She means your nipples are sticking out.
- Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
- Lois Griffin: No, Chris, honey, we're not.
- Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
- Lois Griffin: No, Chris.
- Chris Griffin: Are we there yet?
- Lois Griffin: Yes, Chris, yes, okay? We're there!
- Chris Griffin: Liar!
- [the audience cheered and applause]
- Lois Griffin: Oh my god, they liked it?
- [the audience throws Peter flowers]
- Lois Griffin: Stop it! Stop clapping right now!
- [the audience stopped cheering and applause]
- Lois Griffin: What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged, they should be punished! That man has committed murder here this evening, and the victim's name is theater. This is the kind of mind-numbing shlock that's turning our society into a cultural wasteland. This isn't art, this isn't even entertainment. This... blows!
- [the audience faced on Peter]
- Peter Griffin: Um...
- [starts to fart long]
- Peter Griffin: [the audience laughs and gives him cheering and applause]
- Lois Griffin: See, this is exactly the kind of thing I was talking about.
- [watching the sunset]
- Lois Griffin: Oh, Peter, I love you.
- Peter Griffin: [looks at watch] Uhh, about a quarter past five.
- Peter Griffin: Dad, now that you're retired, you're staying with us. No arguments, I'm putting my foot down.
- Francis Griffin: I don't want to be a bother.
- Peter Griffin: It's no bother, is it Lois?
- Lois Griffin: Of course not, we'd love to have you stay.
- Francis Griffin: You're a good woman, Lois. Perhaps you won't burn in Hell after all. Maybe you'll just go to Purgatory with all the unbaptized babies.
- Peter Griffin: You hear that Lois? You love kids.
- Peter Griffin: Our children our greatest treasure. They deserve a school board president who doesn't leave her feminine ointments in the fridge next to the mustard. That was the worst sandwich I ever ate! She flosses in bed. She snores like a wildebeest. She freed Willie Horton. She nailed Donna Rice.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, that's enough.
- Peter Griffin: Eats babies.
- [crowd applauds]
- Lois Griffin: [shimmies around] Remember this? Remember?
- Peter Griffin: Oh yeah that reminds me, I gotta give myself a breast exam.
- Peter Griffin: [reaches into shirt and feels chest] Oh my God, a lump. A lump, oh no a lump, oh God... No, wait, Cheetoh.
- [pulls Cheetoh out of shirt and eats it]