Gabriel Mercer: Ever since you started going to night school you've been giving me headaches.
Rudy Duncan: Rule one! Never put a car thief behind the wheel!
Rudy Duncan: Naw-uh, fuck that. Nick doesn't do anything until Nick gets something for Nick. I want some hot chocolate. You want to hear about some Indian casino, I want to see some goddamn hot chocolate! And a piece of pecan fucking pie!
Gabriel Mercer: I read your letters, convict. Don't play no reindeer games with me.
[shooting at a group of robbers in Santa Claus suits]
Jack Bangs: Hey, Santa Claus! Welcome to the Tomahawk!
Rudy Duncan: [Rudy narrates a quote he said earlier in the film while walking home in his Santa outfit] All I wanna do is make it back to Sidnaw, sit down for Christmas dinner, watch some ball with my old man, sleep in my old bed, have leftovers for about six months, eat some of that Christmas turkey. Like I said, I never was much for the holidays... until now.
Ashley Mercer: When I get in there you better be wearing nothing but a candy cane!
Jumpy: It says here the retail industry does 50% of its business between December 1st and December 25th. That's half a year's business in one month's time. It seems to me, an intelligent country would legislate a second such gift giving holiday. Create, say, a Christmas 2, late May, early June, to further stimulate growth.
Rudy Duncan: [Rudy narrating] To tell ya the truth, I never was much for the holidays. It's been forever since I'd known a holiday, since I'd seen my family, since I'd been with a girl, since I'd driven a car. You see, cars are what put me here - Iron Mountain, Maximum Security Prison. I was riding a hard five for grand theft auto. Meanwhile, most of my esteemed raping and murdering colleagues were up for parole in three. The world works like that sometimes. All the time, in my experience. That's me, Rudy Duncan, menace to society, on the left. The guy on the right is Nick Cassidy, my best friend. Back then, we were both looking at three days to a new start. That's what ya talk about in prison. How you're gonna get it right. How you'll never make the same mistakes.
[Both Rudy and Nick walk into the prison courtyard as Nick begins whistling Silver Bells out in the field]
[Rudy Duncan and Nick Cassidy in the prisoner cafeteria line receiving green jello]
Nick Cassidy: What's this?
Prisoner: Holiday jello.
Nick Cassidy: What's this shit in it?
Prisoner: Swallow it and you'll see.
[gives a smirk]
Nick Cassidy: Just so you know, this man and I are outta here in two days. So when we're inhaling London broil and lobster bisque, you'll still be standing hear smelling up the mystery cream fuck. Who's in prison now?
[the inmate Zook spits out a mouthful of jello at the prison cafeteria table across from Rudy and Nick]
Zook: Come on man, what's wrong with you?
Zook: Monsters... in the gelatin.
Nick Cassidy: It's just a roach Zook.
Rudy Duncan: Yeah eat it, it's protein.
Zook: Monsters, in the gelatin!
[the rest of the inmates begin to find roaches in their green jello]
Zook: [screams] There are monsters, in the gelatin!
[Rudy sits in the back of Gabriel's diesel truck contemplating on what to do]
Rudy Duncan: [narrating] You hang around with criminals, you end up making a lot of plans. But all the jobs I ever pulled, all the cars I ever stole, no plan ever went down the way it had been drawn up. My plans to escape never worked. And being on parole, going to the police wasn't an option.
Ashley Mercer: There's no future for people like you and me, Nick. The places we come from - plant towns, mill towns, small lives! No future, just more of the same! You want a future you got to stand up and steal it.
[Gabriel kicks Rudy down on the ground]
Gabriel Mercer: So... You wanted a weapon, convict?
Rudy Duncan: [Gabriel pulls out a handgun and aims it down at Rudy] Ahh! No. Dont'! Ahh!
[Gabriel pulls the trigger repeatedly and shows Rudy it's a squirt gun]
Merlin: Well, now, look at what Santa's dwarves have brought you. What do you say to Santa's dwarves?
Rudy Duncan: It's elves. Santa's Elves.
Merlin: You say, thank you, motherfucker.
Rudy Duncan: I had better sex in prison.
Gabriel Mercer: 'Tis the season, convict.
[Gabriel tells his life story while playing a game of darts, with Rudy as the dartboard]
Gabriel Mercer: I've been driving rigs a long time, convict. Four, five million miles of road. Hard road.
Gabriel Mercer: Tell 'em I was tired, shit, they'd just hire someone else. A thousand miles by sundown or the gang don't eat come sunrise.
Rudy Duncan: Sh-shit!
[dodges a dart]
Gabriel Mercer: And every road, every mile, it's nothin' but moms and pops and car-seat kiddies giving me that look... to go to hell and get off their happy goddamn highway. So - So I have worked... and I have slaved, and I have waited... for the highways to split open... and for the rivers to roil and for god in the heavens... to reach down and show me some sign of my reward, to grant me with my gift and say to me, Gabriel, my son, you are done with the road. Well convict, that gift was granted.
[points to Rudy]
[Rudy and Gabriel talk about how they're going to pull off the robbery]
Rudy Duncan: I can tell you right now, going in there with A.K.s and ski masks ain't gonna do that.
Gabriel Mercer: [chuckles] Well, that part, Nick, was planned out the day I read your letters.
Rudy Duncan: Oh, yeah. What? we're all gonna dress up as cowboys?
Gabriel Mercer: No, no, not cowboys, Nick. Not on Christmas Eve.
[Gabriel and Merlin open a closet full of Santa Claus outfits]
Rudy Duncan: You gotta be kidding me.
Gabriel Mercer: Tis the season, convict.
Merlin: Ho... Ho, ho.
Merlin: Man, they got a shit load of cookies!