[Bridge On the River Kwai sketch]

Roland Rat: So go and blow up that bridge.

Ross Davidson: What... What. That bridge?

Roland Rat: Yeah. Why not?

Ross Davidson: Because man it's a very, very busy bridge.

Roland Rat: Year?

Ross Davidson: It's in Staines. The number 68 bus goes along there.

Roland Rat: Oh. Don't be stupid. This is the Burmese jungle remember? Look. London Transport doesn't operate in jungles. London Transport hardly operates in London.

Ross Davidson: Oh year? Well what's that then?

[the number 68 bus goes across]

Errol: It's the number 68 bus.

Wanda: Isn't Pinkey a wonderful pixey children?

Roland: No. He's just thick.

Errol: And have you incidentally heard the terrible news.

Man: What terrible news?

Errol: Manchester United lost again.

Man: Tragic.

Errol: I also heard that Roland Scrooge is dead.

Man: Really? How did Chelsea get on?

Errol: They lost as well.

[Tale of two Cities sketch]

Brian Blessed: I hope this has been worthwhile.

Roland: Of course it has Bri. You know you're middle aged. You've got a lot of pull.

Regie: Pull.

[Pulls the plank]

Regie: Done it.

Roland: Do you realise what you've just done Regie?

Regie: Cut his head off.

Roland: Yeah. You've just executed one of the major figures of the English stage.

[Tuts]

Roland: Perhaps we should have got Donald Sinden after all.

Roland: Right, Brian, all you do now is kneel down and put your head in the hole. Okay. And then we fade out. Yeeaahhh.

Brian Blessed: If I must. Like this?

Roland: Yes thank you Brian. Very nice, very nice. Yes. Ha-ha. So this is where I do me big speech. "So die, all enemies, of the revolution." Yeah. "The end". Ha-ha-ha.

Brian Blessed: Can I get up now?

Roland: No. Hold it for the fade out.

Brian Blessed: God I hope this has been worthwhile.

Roland: Of course it has Bri. You know you're a big draw with the middle aged. You'll got a lot of pull.

Regie: Pull.

[Plank comes down]

Regie: Done it.

Roland: Do you realize what you've just done Regie?

Regie: Cut his head off.

Roland: Yeah. You've just executed one of the major figures of the English stage

[tuts]

Roland: . Perhaps we should have got Donald Sinden after all. Ha-ha

[walks off in a hurry]

Roland: .

Darcey: Darcey De-Farcey's Secret of the Worlds Greatest Chefs. And there are still a few copies left you lucky people.

Errol: I thought you said that you had a warehouse full of them.

Darcey: Yes. Thank you Errol.

Errol: No one in their right minds would buy one of them.

Maureen: I brought one.

Errol: Exactly. I rest my case.

Fergie The Ferret: Luvvy Duvvy Darling.

Roland: What's your name, love?

Leslie: Leslie Ash.

Roland: Ha. Good job your names's not fag. Get it? Fag ash. Yeeeaaahhhh.