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  • Misleadingly titled (seemingly as a point of honor among this breed of pornographers), THE LONG RANGER is actually about a California dude ranch catering to women. I watched it because I had just enjoyed a companion video DANGEROUS WHEN WET made with exactly the same crew (back to back productions?) but was sorely disappointed this time.

    Keisha, Sheri St. Claire and Tami Lee Curtis are three eager customers arriving at Trouty's Dude Ranch, but like PSYCHO's Bates Motel they are the only patrons. Absence of any dudes to service them is a huge drawback to the outing. After their requisite 3-way lesbian scene, Keisha as Lenore believes in the power of suggestion, so the gals imagine being humped (and we the loyal porn consumers get to see it enacted).

    Mrs. Trouty arrives in the person of Cyndee Summers (great to see the pioneering porn actress back in action, looking great), announcing that men have been banned from her ranch following an incident where her husband was servicing one of the customers. (Since that is why the customers come there in the first place, this bit of illogic gets scripter Steve Sayer's storyline off to a wobbly start.)

    Video devolves into a typical episodic series of imagined sex acts, including Lenore being serviced by Mr. Trouty (guest star Herschel Savage), Jerry Butler in cowboy hat humping St. Claire, and busty Monroe's recollection of Brandon Harris (an unfamiliar porn performer with no other credits to speak of) eliciting her vaginal orgasms at last year's visit. This memory/fantasy is structurally unsound as it features Keisha acting the voyeur and then joining in for a threesome, about as messed-up a narrative progression as one expects in mainstream tripe like Nolan's overrated MEMENTO and INCEPTION.

    Plot line is scrambled further when Mrs. Trouty phones "dial-a-dude" to get some able bodies to service her horny customers, and it is Jerry Butler and Brandon Harris who show up "in the flesh". Video ends with a dumb homage to its title, with the generally wailing saxophone soundtrack being replaced by an orchestra playing the William Tell Overture, timed to climax with Butler's money shot. In a previous fantasy, Jerry's cum shot was accompanied "comically" by stupid sound effects and editing tricks.

    Highlight of this garbage has to be Cyndee's masturbating in a bubble bath, joined by hubby Savage to service her. She's as hot as ever, looking great in her late 30s. Unfortunately she and Savage attempt southern/(country?) accents that don't work. Keisha, oddly billed in the opening credits as "Rocky Rio" (evidently a reference to her early moniker in show biz Raquel Rios), provides energy, Sheri is completely wasted and the "never made the big time" Tami Lee Curtis brings her big boobs to the party but like Sheri is not called upon to deliver her trademark back-door action. I guess she quit the adult biz to make yogurt commercials.