Merton: From an old legend, and the third season of Buffy...
Tommy: What happened in the movie, Merton?
Tommy: [reciting a spell to banish an evil witch] From the ground to the air, from the air to the ground! The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round! The wheels on the bus go round and round, all through the day!
Merton: [puts a hand on Lori's shoulder] It was nice knowing you.
Mr. Geiger: [holding up ink blots] Just tell me what you see.
Merton: It looks like a bat.
Mr. Geiger: Very good. And now?
Mr. Geiger: And?
Merton: Bat... bat... A lonely boy, failing to please his demanding father at every turn.
Mr. Geiger: Wait, that one's upside-down.
Male cheerleader: Merton, don't think I'm razzing you, or giving you the business, but what made you come around?
Merton: The Badminton Club rejected me. I couldn't say 'shuttlecock' without giggling.
Merton: Do this, Merton. Do that, Merton. Where's the love?
Merton: Look yonder, the Henderson family is having a picnic. "Son, eat your sandwich and we'll play wiffle ball." "But father, I don't fancy egg salad. I'd much prefer tea and crumpets! I'd also like me porridge! Porridge tastes good in me tummy! I like porridge..."
Tommy: Nice glints, chalk.
Hyacinth: Merzekial, are you breaking up with me?
Merton: The brain stays in the head! The brain stays in the head!
Merton: I've stayed up countless nights watching American Werewolf in London. American Werewolf in Paris! I even wrote a screenplay for American Werewolf in Lenningrad - which, of course is now St. Petersburg, but the story still works.
Merton: [reading] Ah! Here it is! 'Although not recognized as a legal defense in most states, evil twins have plagued mankind throughout history.'
Tommy: Oh! Please gimme one more chance. Please!
Death: Connect four.
Tommy: Where? Where? I don't see it. Where?
Death: Colonel Mustard in the lounge with the lead pipe.
Merton: Wow, you're good! How about Stratego?
Becky: I'm not saying you should get a nose job. I'm just saying you should wear big hats or something to make it look smaller.
Becky: Could you keep it down? Some of us are trying to forget you live here.
Tommy: There's a lot of kids out there with pretty wild imaginations, but I wasn't one of them. I really did get attacked by a character from a video game.
Dean Dawkins: If the UPS guys comes, don't sign anything. I think I ordered another ab roller.
Merton: Tommy, have you been bingeing at the Hungry Bucket again?
Merton: I can't hide it any more. The truth is, I've got spirit. Yes I do. I've got spirit. How 'bout you! Wooohooo!
Merton: So, you're a Voodoo witch doctor. What's that like?
Merton: So, you're a fire-wielding sorceress. What's that like?
Merton: So, You're a ravenous hoard of flesh-eating zombies. What's that like?
Tommy: You mean I was blown off by a vampire chick?
Merton: [Merton is accused of being a nerd] Nerds have labs. I have a lair. Ergo, I am not a nerd... Please disregard my use of 'ergo'
Merton: Spell caster. Yeah right! He couldn't cast a shadow.
Merton: I'd be the perfect werewolf, Tommy! Bite me! Bite me! Bite Me!
Merton: [trips] Never wear the frock when you're bowling!
Merton: ...It says right here in Saucy Teen Magazine. Which is Becky's.
Merton: [trying to bite Tommy] I'm just jonesin' for an Osmodius Burger!
50's film narrator: The pale young man is right.
Merton: Hey, how does he know I'm... young?
Merton: OK, enough with the spell casting! You couldn't cast a net over a dead mackerel.
Merton: R-O-W-D-I-E! That is the way we spell rowdy! Funny, that's not how the dictionary spells it.