Wet Science

WEIRD SCIENCE memorably showcased Kelly LeBrock in all her sexy glory, so you'd think it wouldn't have taken much trouble to conjure up a porno riff on the John Hughes movie. But WET SCIENCE muffs the opportunity and delivers nothing. It's bad beyond the usual expected mediocrity of shot-on-video XXX. A far better spoof was made by the Score Group more recently titled BOOB SCIENCE.

Flesh Flasher has only two credits in IMDb, this turkey and TOP BUNS, which has nothing to do with the Tom Cruise classic. It's heartening that he wasn't permitted to pun his way into our hearts anymore after that.

What we do get in WET SCIENCE is half a loaf, and a soggy one at that. The video goes nowhere and delivers little before an idiotic narration asks us to look forward to a sequel "Beyond the Valley of Perverted Science", which might cause both Russ Meyer and Roger Ebert to turn over in their respective graves if Flasher's video were more widely known. Earlier on the narrator refers to "Depraved Science" so evidently this video's release title was an after- thought.

He presents Erica Boyer with some crummy makeup on as a mad professor with among the cheesiest equipment (an oscilloscope and a device that looks like a TV remote control) and crummiest set (black and transparent plastic hanging on the walls) I've ever seen. She's created a creature in the form of Tom Byron (also with bad makeup) who does nothing with a nothing (mute) role.

She also has another creature (or merely natural-born retard, it isn't clear) named Igor, wearing a dog collar, played by uncredited Blake Palmer. The same actor appears uncredited in Flasher's TOP BUNS, an odd coincidence.

The hapless stars of the piece are a lost couple: Candie Evans and Marc Wallice, who stumble into Boyer's lair. Boyer has an assistant Inga, poor Karen Summer (deserves so much better) dressed in a nurse's outfit probably because that was all the Ricky's level store where the crew shopped for props had to offer. Bunny Bleu is her maid, on hand for f&s content. Late in the video a cop shows up -it's Tony Montana, who gets to hump Bunny rather than doing his job.

The dominant contrast of this farrago for me was Candie's long false fingernails, perhaps the biggest budget component. Order of scenes as presented makes no sense at all, with Boyer suddenly disappearing from the video entirely for no reason and taking the plot line with her. She returns briefly at the end to discover that she's left her Passion Ray on high, accounting for all the humping that went on in her absence.

Flasher betrays a fetish for odd dildos, with Summer briefly masturbating with a whip handle while Bunny keeps Tony's night stick not as a keepsake but for more functional use, apparently in that never-made (Thank Gods as they used to say on BATTLESTAR GALACTICA) sequel.

All told, crap on the half shell.