The Whole Nine Yards (2000)

Bruce Willis: Jimmy Tudeski

Photos 

Quotes 

• Jimmy : It's not important how many people I've killed. What's important is how I get along with the people who are still alive.

• Oz : Damn it, Jimmy. Why the hell did you have to go and move in next door to me?

  Jimmy : Oz, do you know what kind of soil they have in this back yard? I've been here two days and I've got little tomato plants...

  Oz : Oh, my God.

• Jimmy : I'm gonna keep the Coke and the fries but I'm gonna send this burger back. If you put any mayonnaise on it, I'm gonna come over to your house, chop your legs off, set your house on fire, and watch as you drag your bloody stumps out of your house. OK, Pierre?

  [after a beat, the waiter turns to Oz] 

  Oz : I'm fine.

  [the waiter leaves, and Jimmy starts laughing] 

  Jimmy : You're fine? Let me tell you something, Oz. You are *not* fine. Do you know your wife wants you dead?

  Oz : [tugs off his wedding ring]  That much I've figured out.

• Jimmy : I'm telling you this like a friend because if you screw this up--I would hate to... I would really hate to have to kill you. I would hate it more than mayonnaise. You know how much I hate mayonnaise.

• [after Oz tells Jimmy over a payphone he loves Jimmy's wife, while Jimmy doesn't know they slept together] 

  Jimmy : Will you listen to yourself? What are you talkin' about, you love her? You just met her!

  [to Frankie] 

  Jimmy : He said he's in love with Cynthia!

  Frankie Figs : No shit!

  Jill St. Claire : So SHE'S the one!

  Jimmy : She's the one what?

  Jill St. Claire : The one he schtupped in Chicago!

  Jimmy : The one he...

• Jimmy : My wife? You shtupped my wife, Oz?

  Oz : I wouldn't exactly phrase it that way, exactly...

  Jimmy : [with increasing anger]  No, no, no! Let me get this straight. You went down to Chicago and engaged in sexual CONGRESS with my wife? Is that what you're telling me?

  Jill St. Claire : Jimmy, Jimmy, calm down!

  Jimmy : [now livid]  IS IT? I SWEAR TO GOD...!

  [Jill takes the phone from Jimmy] 

  Oz : [to Cynthia]  He's a little upset. I've managed to upset a mass murderer.

  Jimmy : FIND OUT WHERE HE IS!

  [into phone] 

  Jimmy : JUST STAY RIGHT THERE!

  [Jill takes the phone away] 

  Jimmy : It's a DISGRACE...

  Jill St. Claire : [into phone]  Oz, you stud, you!

  Frankie Figs : Gonna be a DEAD stud.

• Jimmy : Every red-blooded American knows that the only condiment that you are ever supposed to put on a hamburger is KETCHUP! Or MAYBE some of that SPECIAL SAUCE you like so much here in Canada, which I think has a little bit of mayonnaise in it too! But I swear to God when they start slapping that mayonnaise on there I could kill somebody.

• Jimmy : You're a lucky guy, Oz.

  Oz : Why would you say that?

  Jimmy : You're about to find out if the woman you love loves you. You know, if it were me, in her position, I'd just take the money and run.

  Oz : So what are you betting on?

  Jimmy : I'm betting on love. Love for you means money for me. And like I said before, I'd really hate to have to kill you.

• Jimmy : Everyone dies.

  Oz : [looks worried] 

  Jimmy : Sooner or later.

• Jimmy : [Oz is mowing his lawn and Jimmy shows up]  Hey, Oz, since I'm new here I was wondering if you could show me the sights, you know?

  Oz : Now?

  Jimmy : [puts Oz in the car]  Yeah, don't worry, it's not gonna kill ya.

  Oz : [quietly]  Promise?

• Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : You're a dentist?

  Oz : Afraid so.

  Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : You suicidal?

  Oz : Why would you say that?

  Jimmy 'The Tulip' Tudeski : Well, I read that dentists are prone to suicide.

  Oz : Look, Jimmy, I may hate my life, but I certainly don't want to die.

• Jimmy : [speaking about Oz]  You are the most chivalrous guy I've ever met.

  Jill St. Claire : Do you see why I couldn't kill him?

  Jimmy : I love him!

• Oz : [Jimmy just shot Frankie Figs]  Why did you kill him?

  Jimmy : [Jimmy throws the gun into the river]  Well, I had to kill one of you.

  Oz : Well, then you definitely made the right decision. But why did you have to kill him?

  Jimmy : Well, if I didn't kill you, Frankie would have. Then he would have figured I'd gone soft, and eventually come after me and the money.

• Jimmy : [after Oz makes him laugh]  You sure you're a dentist?

  Oz : Yeah. Why?

  Jimmy : Because I've never met a dentist I liked.

  Oz : Well, I try to keep things as painless as possible.

  Jimmy : Me, too.

• Jimmy : Friends do not engage in sexual congress with each other's wives.

• Jimmy : [after finding out Oz slept with his wife]  I'll tell you one thing. You got balls.

  Oz : Yeah. Who knew?

• Jimmy : You like living in Canada?

  Oz : No, I live here with my wife.

• Jimmy : But just so you know, I am disappointed, Oz. I am extremely disappointed with you.

  Oz : Believe me, you are the last person I would ever want to disappoint, but everything I everything I did, was for love.

  Jimmy : Yeah, whatever.

• Jimmy : The great and powerful Oz.

• Jimmy : You know this whole... sneaking into the house thing, to try to kill me? You guys are really good! You really... heh heh heh... bye, Janni!

  [shoots Janni in the head] 

• Jill St. Claire : You don't like the Walther?

  Jimmy : I think you should go with what you're comfortable with.

  Jill St. Claire : It's what James Bond uses.

  Jimmy : Really?

  Jill St. Claire : Yeah.

• Jimmy : I take it you're not Canadian.

  Oz : Only by marriage.