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  • Ron Jeremy credits Joe Sarno for starting his acting career in hardcore porn (with TIGRESSES over 30 years ago), and the maestro gives him a showcase in TEASER.

    Main difference between this one and dozens of lookalike Sarno '80s videos is its economy. The sex scenes in TEASER are briefer and more numerous than usual, permitting a running time at 75 minutes, a reel shorter than its bloated compatriots.

    Sarno doesn't take his McGuffin plot line at all seriously here, delegating narration and verbal exposition to Nina Preta, she of the broken English. Her mangling of the language is unbelievably bad, rendering the story and details incomprehensible.

    It boils down to a dual tale of espionage: political vs. industrial. Nina is secret agent Janes Bond (that's how she repeatedly pronounces what I presume is Jane), secret agent 0069. She's hunting the Javelin (Michael Knight), a spy on the loose in Manhattan.

    But instead she finds industrial thieves Armand Melnikoff (Ron Jeremy) and Miss Hawkins (Annette Heinz), who have some stolen fashion sketches and are out to steal the designs of one Irving Schlaffner (he doesn't appear in the video).

    Using what looks like a real apartment or hotel room for a change, instead of a cheapie studio set, for the main bedroom action, Sarno mixes and matches his half-dozen cast members skillfully to maximum XXX effect. Damien Cashmere, as a federal cop posing as a security guard, proves to have the biggest dick, but it is Jeremy and his vaunted member who steal the show.

    Sarno stages three scenes in succession where Jeremy humps each of the leading ladies, showing amazing recuperative powers with his copious trifecta of money shots. Gag is that after the third one, he clutches his chest and is headed to Brooklyn for a triple bypass operation, such is the exertion we've seen expended.

    Elsewhere, it's standard Sarno porn, with transition scenes of gals walking down Manhattan sidewalks (at one point passing the venerable, still standing Oyster Bar at 7th Ave. & 54th), and having sex wearing alluring garter belts, hose and high heels. Jeanna Fine as Blade, the accomplice of the Javelin, is unfortunately styled with her two-tone Mohawk hairdo, which Jeremy duly mocks. Motormouth Ron is fitfully amusing with his ad libs, though it's his cock that really does the talking.

    Heinz is appealing, as always, and gives a mean blow job. She also says "shtup" three times! Preta looks nice, but her miserable line readings are criminal. She even muffs an easy cliché, reciting "Two is a company, three is a crowd" at one point. The Javelin's organization is identified as M.E.S.S., but I'll be damned if I could figure out Preta's explanation of the acronym, which sounded (after 3 or 4 playbacks) like: "Mengel and Excute Secret Society", probably Mangle & Execute??