Home Movies (1999–2004)

H. Jon Benjamin: Jason Penopolis, Coach John McGuirk, Perry, Various

Quotes 

• Coach McGuirk : Liquor before beer, never fear. Beer before liquor, throw up quicker.

• Brendon : Coach, do you think I'm stupid?

  Coach McGuirk : Of course you're stupid, Brendon, all kids are stupid.

• Coach McGuirk : Per day, I would say I hate far more than I feel like I like something. I like my western omelet, but while I'm eating that there's about 17 other things that I hate, like my apartment, my breath, whatever's on the TV, whatever's in the paper. Then I walk outside and it'll be a nice day. Well that's great that's a good feeling for a split second and then I realize I hate my neighborhood, because I... you apparently can't play music after 6:00 pm... in this country

• Melissa Robbins : You'll have to wear glasses and people will make fun of you for the rest of your life, they'll call you four eyes and idiot!

  Jason : Then forget the glasses. I just won't read anymore.

  Melissa Robbins : Then they'll just call you idiot.

  Jason : Okay, how about laser surgery?

  Melissa Robbins : Well, that's fine if you don't mind growing an extra arm...

  Jason : I don't mind; it will help...

  Melissa Robbins : ...Out of your eye!

  Jason : Oh my god!

• Melissa Robbins : Listen to me, junior, when I'm finished with you, you'll be the envy of all the idiots on your block.

  Jason : Wow. There are a lot of idiots on my block.

• Brendon : [discussing his dad's new girlfriend]  I dunno, Coach, I just don't like her.

  Coach McGuirk : Why, she ugly or something?

  Brendon : Oh, no! No, not at all! In fact, she's gorgeous!

  Coach McGuirk : Really?

  Brendon : Yeah, she could be like in a magazine or something!

  Coach McGuirk : [intrigued]  What, like a DIRTY mag?

  Brendon : Uh, no. More like one of those model magazines.

  Coach McGuirk : [disappointed]  Oh.