Stan Fields: Miss Rhode Island, please describe your idea of a perfect date.

Cheryl "Rhode Island": That's a tough one. I'd have to say April 25th. Because it's not too hot, not too cold, all you need is a light jacket.

Gracie Hart: I am in a dress, I have gel in my hair, I haven't slept all night, I'm starved, and I'm armed! Don't *mess* with me!

Gracie Hart: You think I'm gorgeous, you want to kiss me...


Gracie Hart: You want to hug me... You want to love me... You want to hug me... You want to smooch me... You want to...

Kathy Morningside: New Jersey, as you know, there are many who consider the Miss United States Pageant to be outdated and anti-feminist. What would you say to them?

Gracie Hart: Well, I would have to say - I used to be one of them. And then I came here and I realized that these women are smart, terrific people who are just trying to make a difference in the world. And we've become really good friends. I mean, I know we all secretly hope the other one will trip and fall on her face, and - wait a minute, I've already done that! And for me this experience has been one of the most rewarding and liberating experiences of my life.

[audience applauds]

Victor Melling: My God, I did it!

Gracie Hart: And if anyone, anyone - tries to hurt one of my new friends, I would take them out. I would make them suffer so much that they'd wish they were never born. And if they ran, I would hunt them down. Thank you, Kathy.

Victor Melling: A brief shining moment, and then that mouth!

Victor Melling: I haven't seen a walk like that since "Jurassic Park"!

Victor Melling: What, no armored car?

Gracie Hart: That would be in my other dress.

Victor Melling: The interview is the single most important part of the pageant. It counts for 30 percent of your total score.

Gracie Hart: What's the other 70 percent, cleavage?

Victor Melling: Why is New Jersey called "The Garden State"?

Gracie Hart: Because it's too hard to fit"Oil and Petrochemical Refinery State" on a license plate?

[Explaining why she was with a guy the night before]

Gracie Hart: I was dating him for a little while because he told me he had an incurable disease...

All Girls: Ooh.

Gracie Hart: Yeah, I didn't realize it was stupidity.

Gracie Hart: The last time I was this naked in public I was coming out of a uterus!

Gracie Hart: Look I know what I'm gonna do. I haven't done this since high school but it's like riding a bike.

Victor Melling: You are not having sex on this stage.

Gracie Hart: I didn't know that was an option.

Eric Matthews: This earpiece lets you hear anybody on our frequencies, and they can hear you.

Gracie Hart: Don't need that, with all this foil in my hair I'm getting HBO.

Eric Matthews: You gotta admit, part of you is going to miss this.

Gracie Hart: I know I am going to miss the heels because they do something for my posture. And I'm suddenly very aware and proud of my breasts.

Eric Matthews: Funny, me too.

Victor Melling: Smilers wear a crown, losers wear a frown.

Victor Melling: [teaching Gracie how to glide] See? Glide. It's all in the buttocks. Don't I look pretty?

Gracie Hart: It takes a very secure man to walk like that.

Eric Matthews: Hart, listen to me. I've waited five years to run my own op. You think I'd blow it on the wrong girl?

Gracie Hart: No no no, I know the only reason you picked me was because I was the only one who looked half decent in a bikini and wasn't on maternity leave.

Eric Matthews: No, that's why they *let* me pick you. You wanna know why I picked you?

Gracie Hart: Lost a bet?

Eric Matthews: Because you're smart. Because you don't take any crap from people. You're funny. You're easy to talk to when you're not armed. Look, give yourself a break. Cut Vic and the other pagent ladies some slack cause if they ever get a chance to see what I see then... they're gonna love you.

Gracie Hart: [a taxi nearly runs Gracie over] Hey! I'm gliding here!

[arguing about Gracie's contract on providing a talent]

Eric Matthews: Listen to me, you old fruitcake!

Victor Melling: How dare you, you cupcake!

Victor Melling: By the way, what are you planning to do for your talent: sing, dance, chew with your mouth closed?

Gracie Hart: I will do whatever you want me to do, Yoda.

Eric Matthews: Just imagine that she's me and there's something you wanna know but I don't wanna talk about it. What would you do?

Gracie Hart: You want me to beat it out of her?

Eric Matthews: Maybe we could have dinner, you know?

Gracie Hart: What? You, like, asking me on a date?

Eric Matthews: No! Just casual dinner... If we happen to have sex afterwards so be it!

Kathy Morningside: Twenty-five years of bitching beauty queens, and what do I get? Fired! They steal my life, they steal my beauty pageant...

Gracie Hart: Hey, hey! It is not a beauty pageant, it is a scholarship program.

Kathy Morningside: Yeah, yeah.

Gracie Hart: *Yes*!

Gracie Hart: Oh my gosh, it's the crown!

Victor Melling: Yes, it is! You can taste it now, can't you?

[Gracie is taken to the stage, wildly pointing at her head while she stutters about the crown]

Victor Melling: Yes, yes. You *wear* the crown, *be* the crown, you *are* the crown!

Eric Matthews: Operation "Thong" has commenced.

Gracie Hart: Why don't you stun-gun yourself?

Eric Matthews: I knew she'd like that one.

Gracie Hart: Good evening, I know the program says I'm supposed to play the water glasses for you, but, uh, some of the girls got dehydrated.

[Gracie pulls earpiece out of her ear]

Eric Matthews: Wo wo wo. Wait a minute, what are you doing? Put that back in your ear.

Gracie Hart: I can't talk girl talk with a guy in my head! I can't even do it with me in my head!

Eric Matthews: You took your earpiece out! Vic needs you, now!

Gracie Hart: Eric, I haven't slept in two days!

Eric Matthews: I'll give you a cookie.

Gracie Hart: [mumbling to herself] It better be a big one.

Victor Melling: [during a makeover session] Eyebrows. There should be two.

[to models refusing pizza and beer]

Gracie Hart: It's lite beer, and she's gonna throw it up anyway.

Gracie Hart: I would so love to hurt you right now.

Victor Melling: As long as you smile.

Eric Matthews: Don't look at me like I betrayed you.

Gracie Hart: No, betrayal implies an action, you just stood there!

Stan Fields: What is the one most important thing our society needs?

Gracie Hart: That would be harsher punishment for parole violators, Stan.

[crowd is silent]

Gracie Hart: And world peace!

[crowd cheers ecstatically]

Stan Fields: Thank you, Gracie Lou.

Gracie Hart: And thank *you*, Stan.

[Gracie walks offstage]

Victor Melling: That was charming. Are you drunk?

Gracie Hart: I'm glad you enjoyed it. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go unscrew my smile!

Victor Melling: This woman has no talent!

Eric Matthews: Geez Vic! You don't gotta shout it out in front of her!

Victor Melling: I'm sorry, what was the question? I was distracted by the half-masticated cow rolling around in your wide-open trap.

Gracie Hart: In Hawaii, don't they use aloha for, like, hello and goodbye?

Gracie Hart: So?

Gracie Hart: So if you're on the phone with somebody and they won't stop talking, how do you get them? You say, 'Okay take care, aloha' don't they just start over again?

[Vic puts some fake boobs in Gracie's suit]

Gracie Hart: Oh good. I guess it's time to go apply at my local Hooters.

[Vic holds up a tube Hemorrhoid ointment]

Gracie Hart: What? Hemorrhoid ointment? You really think the judges are going to be looking that closely?

Victor Melling: It's for the little baggies under your eyes.

Gracie Hart: Really.

[Vic shakes a can of hairspray]

Gracie Hart: Oh good, hairspray. Something I finally recognize.

[Vic sprays the bottom of her suit and she bonks into the mirror]

Gracie Hart: What are you doing?

Victor Melling: It stops the suit from riding up.

Gracie Hart: Riding up where?

Victor Melling: Just... up!

Gracie Hart: That is enough!

Victor Melling: Why do you make things difficult for me?

Gracie Hart: Oh, yeah. I can see this is an incredibly embarrassing situation for you!

Gracie Hart: Where am I gonna keep my gun?

Eric Matthews: Nowhere I wanna know about!

Kathy Morningside: Of course he had a gun. This is Texas, everybody has a gun. My florist has a gun!

Stan Fields: I don't have a gun. My ancestors were Quakers.

[after Eric pulls Gracie into the pool]

Gracie Hart: Oh, Vic's gonna kill you. You in big trouble.

Eric Matthews: You look good wet.

Gracie Hart: Shut up!

Victor Melling: Your hair should make a statement.

Gracie Hart: As long as it doesn't say 'Thank you very much for the Country Music Award'!

Gracie Hart: My teeth - What are you going to do with my teeth?

Victor Melling: Hopefully, remove the beer stains and steak residue.

Victor Melling: If I'd ever had a daughter, I imagine she might have been something like you... which is perhaps why I've never reproduced.

Karen "New York": I just want to let all the lesbians out there know: if I can make it to the top ten, so can you! Big out to Brooklyn! Yo!

Dave the Pageant Director: Get her off of there! Go to Stan!

Karen "New York": [to a girl in the audience] Tina, I love you, baby!

Tina: Oh, Karen! I love you, Karen!

Karen "New York": Yo, Tina! I love you, baby!

[Gracie, watching the scene, applauds, whoops, and nods in approval]

Stan Fields: And we'll be right back with our final five lesbians - interviews!

Dave the Pageant Director: Bumper, commercial, can we say lesbians?

Assistant Director: You got a problem with that?

Stan Fields: Prepare for what promises to be a day of astounding musical, theatrical, and dancing talent. And after I'm finished you can see the ladies!

Eric Matthews: What do you say, Hart?

Gracie Hart: No freakin' way.

Eric Matthews: Sparky, why not?

Gracie Hart: Cause I'm not gonna parade around in a swimsuit like some airhead bimbo that goes by the name, what, Gracie Lou Freebush and all she wants is world peace?

Eric Matthews: It won't be like that. Come on, you're an important member of the undercover team.

Gracie Hart: Yeah, right, in a thong.

Kathy Morningside: I would much rather cancel the show than have my girls blown up.

Stan Fields: Especially without their knowledge.

[after McDonald sees himself in a bikini on the computer]

Eric Matthews: We were just looking for someone to go undercover at the pageant.

McDonald: And I'm the best we have. That doesn't inspire much confidence.

Eric Matthews: All right, here's your new IDs. For pageant identity.

Gracie Hart: [looking at hers] Gracie Lou Freebush?

Eric Matthews: Yeah, remember, you like that name.

Gracie Hart: Yeah, well, my IQ just dropped ten points.

Victor Melling: Don't pick your feet up. Why are you picking your feet up?

Gracie Hart: Because I'm preparing to run away!

Gracie Hart: Look, she's gonna cry again.

[imitating winner]

Gracie Hart: "Oh, if I only had a brain."

Cheryl "Rhode Island": My idea of a perfect date would be a man who takes me to a romantic dinner, and then we walk along the beach barefoot discussing books and - and music and - and movies.

Karen "New York": No wonder you're still a virgin.

Kathy Morningside: Oh, oh, Victor, you'll take the bags to the room. I realize it's been a while since you've been with us, but you remember how everything goes, don't you?

[Kathy walks off with Gracie]

Victor Melling: One little mistake, and I'm a bloody bellhop!

Grace's father: [from trailer] Honey, are you a lesbian?

Gracie Hart: [snorts] I wish!

Cheryl "Rhode Island": Once I stole a pair of red underwear from the department store. My mom wouldn't buy them for me - she said they were Satan's panties!

Victor Melling: He's with me.

Eric Matthews: I'm not "with him" with him, you know? It's not like...

Victor Melling: Come on, muffin!

[answering her question]

Cheryl "Rhode Island": In a way, America is like a big ship, and when we work together and respect each other, that's when the ship gets safely home.

Victor Melling: [as the audience applauds] Terrific answer! DAMMIT!

Frank Tobin: You're a genius.

Kathy Morningside: No, Frank, I'm just pissed off.

Victor Melling: In place of friends and relationships, you have sarcasm and a gun!

Gracie Hart: Oh, *I* have sarcasm? When every word that comes out of your mouth is dripping with disdain?

Victor Melling: Ah! That is because I am a miserable, grumpy elitist - and that works for me!

Gracie Hart: You know what? I don't have relationships because I don't want them, an-an-and I don't have friends because I work 24/7. And you have no idea why I am the way that I am.

Gracie Hart: You know what...

[grabs Eric in a headlock]

Gracie Hart: Pull this off! What, is it because Macdonald hates me?

Eric Matthews: He doesn't hate you!

Gracie Hart: Is it some woman thing?

[Eric knocks her to the floor]

Eric Matthews: Don't kid yourself! Nobody thinks of you that way!

[Gracie trips him and sits on his back, holding him down]

Gracie Hart: He's punishing me, isn't he?

Eric Matthews: [under Gracie] Look, I had to beg him to let you do this!

Gracie Hart: What?

Eric Matthews: Yeah, like it or not you screwed up, pal!

[they roll over attacking each other]

Gracie Hart: [Sitting on Eric again] This may come as a shock to you but I've never been in a beauty pageant before! I don't even own a dress! I don't even own a brush!

[They roll around again]

Eric Matthews: [with Gracie's thighs squeezing his head] Which part o' that is supposed to shock me?

[Gracie slams her thighs against his head and they roll over on the floor again]

Gracie Hart: [Eric's feet squeezing her face] Jesus! Let's just swing reality for like a second! I have to do everything like the big hair, and the makeup...

Eric Matthews: Damn right! The spinning, the twirling, the smiling...

Gracie Hart: [out of breath] So you're saying... I have to wear... the bathing suit?

Victor Melling: Ten out of eleven years my girls were crowned. The year we lost, the winner was a deaf-mute. You can't beat that.

Gracie Hart: His ego is like this big and his equpment is like this big!

Gracie Hart: Ok, with all due respect here, why did Miss Morningside suggest you?

Victor Melling: Because I am the best... they had their Southern belles, their Midwestern farmers' daughters, spunky western cowgirls, and I have... dirty Harriet!

Gracie Hart: Donut Nazi.

Eric Matthews: Is this you not arguing? 'Cause you suck at it.

Stan Fields: And we'll be right back with our five final lesbians - interviews!

Kathy Morningside: You know, you think you saved something tonight, but all you did was to destroy the dream of young women all over this country.

Gracie Hart: What? You think that their dream is to get blown up?

Victor Melling: I knew I'd never get you here, unless you had the chance to shoot someone.

Gracie Hart: [to Victor] You know, you're gonna get yours, Henry Higgins.

Gracie Hart: There's something I can do for the talent, that I know how to do it since high school.

Victor Melling: You will not be having sex on this stage!

Gracie Hart: I didn't know that was an option, all right? All I have to do is call room service.

Gracie Hart: You ate pizza, you stole panties! You're a wild woman!

Cheryl "Rhode Island": My parents don't like anything ostentatious. And they really don't like fire.

Gracie Hart: Sir, that is one really really purple Russian, sir!

Victor Melling: There are no words.

Gracie Hart: Enjoy running the Miss San Antonio Women's Correctional Facility Pageant, huh, huh?

[chuckles to herself, then turns to Matthews]

Gracie Hart: Get it, the Women's Correctional Facility Pageant...?

[at the pageant breakfast]

Stan Fields: As you know, I'll be retiring this year.

[everyone moans in sympathy]

Mary Jo Wright, Miss Texas: Oh, he's not retiring. I spoke to him this morning, the poor man blurted out the whole thing. They're firing him. Going for someone newer and younger. I hope it's Ricky Martin.

[a dentist is cleaning Grace's teeth, and a barber is untangling her hair]

Gracie Hart: Can't I get some Novocain?

Dentist: It's only a cleaning.

Gracie Hart: No, I'm talking about Sweeney Todd back here.

Eric Matthews: We recently discovered some information about the winner from New Jersey.

Gracie Hart: And her performance in a little film called "Arma-get-it-on."

Stan Fields: Was that her?

[after getting a pint of Ben and Jerry's chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream]

Gracie Hart: I'm going to get chip-faced.

Eric Matthews: Why don't just you shut up?

Gracie Hart: Why? You're shutting up enough for both of us.

Miss Hawaii: Oh I know and it's an honor to have made it this far, I mean especially when you come from such a small state,

Cheryl "Rhode Island": Oh that's so true. Us Rhode Islanders...

Miss Hawaii: Umm I wasn't finished. Did it sound like I was finished?

Cheryl "Rhode Island": I'm sorry. I,

Karen "New York": Ay Dios, what are you apologizing to her for? She's obviously been drinking too much Coppertone.

Cheryl "Rhode Island": I was like a female Rain Man!

Mary Jo Wright, Miss Texas: Will you please go back to the mothership?

Frank Tobin: Only if you go with me, Tex-ass.

Agent Clonsky: McDonald called. He saw Hart's little anti-smoking commercial, he's on his way down.

Eric Matthews: Oh, good, perfect, because I'd hate for him to fire me over the phone!

[as they get dressed before the ceremony]

Miss Hawaii: No insults today?

Karen "New York": [pathetic] You're a Don Ho.

[repeated line]

Karen "New York": Bizzaro!