The One Eyed Soldiers

If nothing else, The One-Eyed Soldiers, which featured plenty of mediocrity on all levels, was at least good for a few unintentional laughs. Yeah. Thank goodness for that.

The truth of the matter is, The One-Eyed Soldiers' story was so predictably stale that at times it bordered dangerously close to the very brink of downright boringness. It's true.

A lot of this film's problems lay in the pitiful performances given by its 2 starring leads, Dale Robertson (the now pudgy movie heart-throb of the 1950s) and Luciana Paluzzi (the marginally glamorous, but totally talentless Italian actress).

Robertson, who played the arrogant American news-reporter, Richard Owen, looked far too bloated and bored to be at all convincing in his role as a supposedly suave, globe-trotting journalist.

And, with that in mind, I honestly can't say that Paluzzi fared much better than Robertson did in her role as Gava Berens, daughter of the murdered UN Medical Relief Organizer, Dr. Charles Berens.

From my perspective, Paluzzi was, without question, one of the most preposterous femmes fatales to ever grace the silver screen. I mean, there she was one minute all big and brave, confidently brandishing a revolver and ordering people around like it was nobody's business, and then in the very next moment she was literally cowering away like a total wimp behind her big, brave protector, Owen. Sheesh! Like, give me a break, already!

Unfortunately, with these 2 B-Grade actors starring as the leads, that automatically designated them as the only option for on-screen lovers. And when that magic-moment finally arrived for their first big "movie-kiss", it was such a dreary event to behold that it all but destroyed what was left of this film's already flimsy chance at survival, big time. I mean, this less-than-magic-moment was about as thrilling to watch as viewing a pair of slimy slugs lazily going at it during mating season. Like, talk about "yuk" to the max.

Anyways - The One-Eyed Soldiers' story concerned the events the quickly followed after a dying man passes along a cryptic message about the whereabouts of an incredible hidden treasure, amounting to the fantastic sum of $15 million.

Dale Robertson worked his way up the Hollywood Western ladder, from bit part player, to second lead in female led productions, to lead in B Westerns, until he finally made it big on television, starring in the Western series "Tales of Wells Fargo" and later "Iron Horse". In between those two he formed his own production company and made this dreadful Eurospy in Yugoslavia

Dale may be past his prime physically by this time, but he still has his undoubted charisma and impressive quiff of Elvis style hair. He plays a journalist rather than a spy, and the story is a treasure hunt for personal gain, rather than recovery of information of vital national interest, but aside from that the plot elements fit the template of a Eurospy.

There is a beautiful and mysterious woman, Luciana Paluzzi, who got into the spy business via "The Man From UNCLE", where she featured in the movie length pilot episode (with second billing, way ahead of David McCallum, who only rates 7th!). That was followed by the undoubted pinnacle of her espionage career, appearing as assassin "Fiona Volpe" in the James Bond movie "Thunderball". From there she went on to feature in an episode of the spin-off series "The Girl From UNCLE", the Robert Vaughn spy movie "The Venetian Affair", and then this one, before signing off on her distinguished spy movie career in one of the French James Bond films "OSS-117 Murder For Sale". Appearances in three of the most renowned 1960s spy franchises is quite a notable achievement. She starts out strongly in this one, but fades away to become merely a damsel in distress by the end.

Guy Deghy plays a poor man's Sydney Greenstreet, Mirko Boman is suitably grotesque as his bald mutilated sidekick, and dwarf Milo Avramovic does a decent job of making the lead villain menacing, despite his lack on inches. They provide some much needed colour to mitigate the scripts many shortcomings.

Unfortunately the plot itself is almost non-existent and the dialogue is banal. To say there are "plot holes" would be misleading, as it would imply there is some sort of structure for the holes to exist in, whereas this is just loose sequence of scenes linked by some random running and hiding and shooting and capturing and escaping. The best thing I can say for it is that, for the most part, it is played straight (apart from the appalling fat woman scene) and it moves along at a reasonable pace thus remaining somewhat watchable.

The few vehicles available in Yugoslavia all appear to be from the 1940s, the rundown locations more reminiscent of a cold war thriller than a Eurospy and the soundtrack is unremarkable.

For die hard Dale and Luciana fans only.

An interestingly unique attempt at the Eurospy genre, with our hero - former western star Dale Robertson - a reporter rather than a spy. It was made in Yugoslavia, with various figures competing in their hunt for hidden treasure and the meaning of the titular figures. Luciana Paluzzi is always a welcome presence and there's plenty of mild intrigue with characters like the "fat man" recurring. Not amazing, but not too bad either.

Made in 1967 at the end or the Euro-Spy cycle this cleverly plotted movie isn't all that bad to watch from start to end. (all the other reviews seemed to hate it). Just try and figure out the complex ending. Watchable just for the FUN of it. If you enjoy the movies made during this era you will also enjoy this one.

An American journalist (Dale Robertson), traveling on the Intercontinental Express through the former Yugoslavia, meets a beautiful but enigmatic woman (Luciana Paluzzi) on board, and gets caught up in an adventure involving the search for some "one-eyed soldiers", who hold the key (literally) to a massive fortune. Of course, those two are not the only ones involved in this peculiar treasure hunt. An even bigger mystery than the one related to the title is how Luciana Paluzzi, who had shown the whole world that she combined top-class looks with a commanding screen presence with her role as the classic femme fatale Fiona Volpe in the James Bond film "Thunderball" in 1965, found herself in this obviously B-grade production just one year later. The story is murky and generally uninteresting until the last 10 minutes or so. Paluzzi herself begins as a more dynamic character than she ends up being. This film is only for her completists. (*1/2)