David Spade: I saw some concerts recently. I saw Leonard Skynyrd at ASU. Getting back to my dirt ball roots. Saw Lynyrd Skynyrd just because I wanted to hear my one favorite song by them. But you know I'm going to sit there for 2 1/2 hours because God forbid they should open with Freebird. There would be some trampling. Wait we got some other stuff. Every song they sing should be called Not Freebird, because that's what it is Here's another one that's not Freebird.
David Spade: This whole stadium is full because of me. And every one of my wildest dreams has come true and I'm a bazillionaire. And I've never been more livid. Everything's horrible. I'm like let me tell you something, friend. If your life sucks, then I'm fucked. Alright? Now sing Radio Free Europe and beat it. And make it sound like it does on the album, no tricks
David Spade: So she comes up after an hour 40. And I go uh hello. Fine quit playing around. Oh wait, I know. I remember what it was. There was a pterodactyl back here. What took you so long? What are you doing up there?
David Spade: You know the drill. 18 is legal. 17 with consent. 16 with a note. 15 if her dad's in the room. Low five!
David Spade: Actually my Dad just took off. It was one of those divorces he split and he'd show up once a year and give me a Nerf football for Christmas. Thought he's my hero again. Woah it's two colors... you spoil me, you prick.
David Spade: So I go in and I go into the snack bar. I don't think it should be legal to call anything that costs $18.50 a snack. Yeah, those are nice Twizzlers, do you have financial aid?
David Spade: But seriously I got hit by a car the other day. Yeah, I'm alright, I appreciate the concern. I was going about 8, the care behind me was going about 11. He wasn't getting to 11, he was at 11. But he was behind me so cha-ching! C4, C5, bingo! He gets out of the car about 105 years old. A little cooky in the head. I'm a little tattered. He starts saying things he probably shouldn't at the scene of an accident. Hell buddy, I wasn't even looking. Might want to keep that to yourself.Then he just keeps burying himself. I can't even drive a stick. I don't know which one is the brake. My legs are numb. I been drinking!
David Spade: Spent most of the summer looking for shade. Driving around. Shade. Please? Driving in malls. I'll park a mile away I don't care. I'm just looking for a tree branch, anything. Long weed. Big leaf, get the front corner panel under it. Oh precious shade, I have it - you don't!
David Spade: Staying in a hotel this time. They put me up in a little bit of a shithole. Yeah. Just this side of rinky dink. The first 7 floors are a homeless shelter, but I'm on 8.
David Spade: Call down for a wake up call. The guy answers 'He's like, yo what's Up?' What's up G? Not really a formal greeting. Yeah I'm looking for a wake up call around 9:30. Well, we don't have a wake up call per se. We have a bus that comes by around 6 you'll hear. I'm looking for more of the 9:30ish area. And he goes ok so 6? Low and behold 6 am
[starts making the sound of the bus that wakes him up]
David Spade: I'm up. If that doesn't get me up, you know what will. Housekeeping. Housekeeping. Bink. No, need sleepy!
David Spade: Seriously, you don't have to know English. It'd be nice, a nice little plus. We don't want miracles. You don't have to know the country's language. But just some shapes, that's all. A square. A little geometry.
David Spade: Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.
David Spade: Watched Terms of Enrearment. Don't play dumb. Don't, it offends me. Bang the Nun Slowly. I think it's a remake. Your Ass Licked Part. That one's scary a little bit. There's one with midgets. Itty Bitty Gang Bang. I'm not sure if that was worth $7.95. It's a write off. Awww Schindler's Fist. So usually... I don't... I don't like the political stuff. The political porn isn't really where it's at late night.
David Spade: Horrible date all through high school and college. Here's an impression of me on a date in high school. Come on, chug it!
David Spade: A little Everclear punch. We had Everclear punch. Everclear is like 3000 proof grain alcohol. Illegal in 44 states. Makes a nice little mixer. Put it with Hawaiian Punch you got a nice little cordial. Girls are like, I can't even taste it. We know.
David Spade: Last girl I went out blew me off, gave me the Heisman. Straight arm, knee up. Boom. Now I call her with lame excuses. Hey did I leave a penny over there? Maybe I'll swing by late night. Late night.
David Spade: Late night, thought we were so crafty in college. Maybe I'll come by late night, hun. If girls ever broke that down, it'd be bad. Let me guess, you're gonna go out with your friends, get hammered. And if you fail to nail some skank at a bar you'll come pound on my door at 4am. The more I say it, the more I like it.Mark me down for a yes. Late night.
David Spade: She goes how come I always catch you looking at slutty looking girls with big boobs. And I go, are you serious? Why? Um. That girl was wearing pink, and pink draws the eye. That's basic optometry hun, I'm surprised you didn't know that.
David Spade: Then she doesn't say anything. She waits. It brews in her head like a little El Nino. She calls me 4am. Not even a call, a fax. That's worse. It's jarring. It's right next to my head, nothing's worse.
[Starts making fax machine noises]
David Spade: 7 page fax. First one has just got a big F on it. I don't like where it's headed.
David Spade: That's why I want to get away from it all. Move out to the sticks, Montana. Hundreds of miles away from civilization. Get a cabin in the snow, cuddle up with a cute girl. Say stuff like: Scream all you want sugar, ain't noone gonna hear ye. Yeah there was a rock in that snowball. Your honor we were just funnin'. We was wrestlin'
David Spade: It's a tire gun, why?
David Spade: So we're taxiing around forever. Trying to find a gate, there's no gate. I guess we didn't tell them we were coming!
David Spade: It's hard for your mom to tell you she has an oral fixation and has to have something in her mouth. My step dad is in the kitchen winking at me. You down with OPP, yeah you know me. Exciting is and a special... What? Easy, and why do you know all the words? That's weird.
David Spade: And so I'm out there with all of his money going oh shoot, I woulda had that one if it wasn't for gravity. Hey I'd be good at this game if it was on Neptune.
David Spade: You got to dump her buddy. That girl's a prude, you don't want none of that. You want a girl like your Mama.
David Spade: I go - that's a nice tie. That's right, Davie. Ralph Lauren regularly $80. A little tomato stain, you can barely see it, 4 bucks! Sweet.
David Spade: Her call to me was a t shirt with a huge picture of me on the corner, monstrous. And under it said Dave. So you wouldn't be confused that this guy was this guy. Exact replica.
David Spade: So I put it on, and I'm like yay, this will be a good time. So, I go off to school. And then at the last milisecond, the male chromosome just somehow kicked into my brain. Just wear a shirt over it. Just a little button down. Just something. In case, worst case scenario, it's not that cool. Just some sort of coverage. Just for me? I only pop out once a year. And I was like great, I grabbed my baton and I head out the door. Now, but seriously I almost had one, she almost talked me into that one. That's where I was headed. I had no guidance, I don't know.
David Spade: But here's the upside of 5th grade. Brad Pitt, for one year, went to my school. He was a lady killer back then. He was a good looking kid. Even back then, you could tell he was a cutie because I remember when I got my class picture and brought it home. I was staying with my grandma so she was checking it out. Oh my God Davie, you have to be the cutest boy in the whole God darn... Oh my God I'd fuck that kid. Hook me up. Take care of me I used to take care of you. Do something for me, that kid is a piece of ass. Oh my God, I want to get in there and do some damage. Rattle it around. Grandma, easy. God damn, the other kids in that school are so gross. Grandma, I go to that school. I know you suck, where's this dude? Get on it!
David Spade: Oh my god I want to bite that guy's ass. Speedbag his nuts. Yeah! Grandma I think he's seeing someone. I don't care, I know tricks.
David Spade: TarantuIa's going I can't believe I should be in the desert. I'm on this loser's lime green beanbag chair. He's blowing these shit weed hits in my face. I'm not even high, he's stoned off his ass like a lightweight and he's a dealer nonetheless.
David Spade: No onions on that quarter pounder. No idea what to do. Frozen in fear. Little bead of sweat. They have to shut the whole place down. We have a code blue situation. Code blue. Roger. Scramble. Then nothing can happen until the guy with the keys comes over. How are ya? Nice to see ya. No onions, no problem. That guy's a hero. He's a bully, too. Out of my way trainee. Back to fries you loser. I know all the buttons, I have all the keys. I initial all the voids.
David Spade: They were great but they made the mistake of incorporating our town name into the lyrics, but dip shits like me get impressed that they can read our town off the back of a mic stand. On a dark Arizona highway... wooh that's us dude. So happy. But then they keep milking it. Cool Scottsdale wind in our hair. That's still us dude. My friend lives in Scottsdale. Warm Sun Devil stadium... Alright we get it. Knock it off!