Coupling (2000–2004)
Sarah Alexander: Susan Walker
Photos
Quotes
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Steve : What is this?
Susan : It's a cushion.
Steve : Right. Yes. Thank you for that. Very informative.
[to Jeff]
Steve : You got any of these?
Jeff : No.
Steve : Of course you haven't.
[to shop assistant]
Steve : You - are you married? Living with anyone?
Junior Shop Assistant : No.
Steve : Got any of these?
Junior Shop Assistant : No.
Steve : Of course not. Okay!
[to the women]
Steve : You bring these things into our homes. They sit on our chairs. They watch our televisions. Now, I just need to know, on behalf of all men everywhere, I just need to ask, please... What are they for? I mean, look at them! Look at the chubby little bastards! Just sitting around everywhere! What are they, pets for chairs?
[to shop assistants]
Steve : Come on, you sell them. What are they for?
Junior Shop Assistant : Well...
Senior Shop Assistant : You sit on them.
Steve : Ah! Ha ha ha! You see, that's where you're wrong! Nobody sits on them. Okay, watch this. Here's the cushion. I'm putting it on the sofa. Now watch me. I'm stting down. And what do I do on my final approach? I - oh! - move the cushion! You see? It's not involved! It's not part of the whole sitting process. It just lies there. It's fat litter! It's a sofa parasite!
Jane : It's, you know... padding.
Steve : Oh, padding! Now, that's interesting, Jane. See, I like padding. If I was, say, an American Football player, and all those big bastards running at me, I would say "give me some of that padding and be quick about it." If my job involved bouncing down jagged rocks I would say "in view of those jagged rocks down there, I'll have some of that padding, thank you very much." But Susan, Sally, Jane, this is a sofa. It is designed by clever scientists in such a way as to shield the unprotected user from the risk of skin abrasions, serious head trauma, and, of course...
[drops behind sofa, then sticks head out]
Steve : Daleks. Trust me girls, trust me on this one: you do not need padding to tackle upholstery. So please - once and for all, tell me why on Earth you would want me to sit on one of these?
Susan : Because, if you pressed it firmly against your bottom, it might stop you talking!
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Jane : I'm being stalked, actually, so I'm pretty secure in my attractiveness.
Susan : You're being stalked?
Jane : Is that so hard to believe?
Sally : My god!
Jane : Everyday on my way home from work, a man follows me. It's true.
Susan : Well, have you been to the police?
Jane : They said I was being silly and paranoid. I heard them laughing after I left.
Sally : That's terrible!
Susan : Well, have you confronted the man who follows you?
Jane : Well, there's no point, is there? It's never the same man twice. Sometimes they switch over when I'm halfway home. It's so well organized!
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[Susan is about to show the others one of her breasts]
Susan : Well? Which one do you want? The left one or the right one?
Patrick : The right one.
[to others]
Patrick : Trust me.
Susan : Why? What's wrong with the left one?
Patrick : Now, don't be like that. There has to be a second place.
Susan : Well, I wasn't aware you were judging them individually!
Patrick : You were asleep! I was bored!
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Jane : I'm just feeling so ridiculously horny. I swear, if I didn't have my heart set on having sex with a man, you two would be in serious trouble.
Sally : I could never have sex with another woman. What if she had a smaller bottom?
Susan : Excuse me! I have a crisis here way above bottoms on the crisis scale.
Sally : We're women. There is nothing above bottoms on the crisis scale. Bottoms are our natural enemy.
Susan : Sally, please...
Sally : They follow us around our entire lives, right behind us and constantly growing. How do they do that? I'm sure mine's back there secretly snacking.
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Susan : Well, you know what it's like at the start, when they're all fiery-eyed, and eager, and they haven't seen you naked yet. And it's like he's smashing at your door with his mighty battering ram. And he's promising to ravish you forever. So you brace yourself for man overload, and throw open the doors, and what do you find standing there? An oversized toddler who wants his dinner. And before you can say, "There's been a terrible mistake," he's snoring on your sofa, the fridge is full of empty bottles and the whole place smells of feet.
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Bar Flirt : Have you read the Lord of the Rings, there's this great bit, where...
Susan : Go away!
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Susan : [has found the perfect man and is now trying to escape through the window of the Club's toilets] Remember that film where the couple found true love and then he was eaten by a bear? I'm not going to make that mistake.
