Saving Silverman (2001)

Jack Black: J.D.

Photos 

Quotes 

• J.D. : Dude, if you get the nachos stuck together, that's one nacho.

• Wayne : Okay, our enemy is wicked, so...

  J.D. : Dude, she's Freddy Krueger.

  Wayne : Damien.

  J.D. : Dude, she's Vader.

  Wayne : No! She is the Emperor!

  J.D. : Yeah, but with really great tits!

  Wayne : Okay, now Sandy, that girl? She's a nice girl.

  J.D. : Ah, yeah.

  Wayne : She's a sweetheart.

  J.D. : Dude, a saint.

  Wayne : A goddess.

  J.D. : A princess.

  Wayne : 'Know what? She's kinda like Mother Teresa.

  J.D. : Yeah, but with way better tits.

• Wayne : Dude!

  J.D. : Dude!

  Wayne : Why didn't you answer the door?

  J.D. : I'm eatin'.

  Wayne : So?

  J.D. : I don't answer the door when I'm eatin'.

  Wayne : Since when?

  J.D. : Since always.

  Wayne : I never knew that.

  J.D. : Well you didn't know a lot of things. You didn't know I was gay.

  Wayne : Is there anything else you wanna tell me?

  J.D. : I got three balls.

  Wayne : Shut up! God!

  J.D. : Dude. Dude. Dude!

• Coach Norton : By the way, did you boys take care of that bitch that was gonna marry Silverman?

  Wayne : Uh, yeah. Yeah, we snuffed that broad just like ya said.

  Coach Norton : Good. How'd ya do it?

  Wayne : We, um...

  J.D. : Ate her...

  Coach Norton : You ate her?

  Wayne : Yeah, we ate her.

  J.D. : Alive.

  Coach Norton : My hat goes off to you. You boys are smart; that's the perfect crime.

• J.D. : Do you want a drink?

  Judith : Scotch on the rocks.

  J.D. : No problem. You want ice with that?

• Judith : Have you ever had a girlfriend?

  J.D. : Yes... No!

  Judith : Have you ever fantasized about having sex with a man?

  J.D. : Which man?

  Judith : Any man!

  J.D. : You mean like a tall man?

  Judith : Sure, whatever!

  J.D. : 'Cause I don't like tall people, they bother me!

  Judith : What about a short man?

  J.D. : How short? Some times people can be too short, that's weird like midgets!

  Judith : Have you ever fantasized about having sex with any man, any man at all?

  J.D. : Does that include celebrities?

• Coach Norton : When are you going to get hitched there, son?

  J.D. : Actually I'm not, I'm GAY.

  Coach Norton : Oh... me too!

• J.D. : Hey Sandy! It's me, JD, I went to high school with you, remember?

  Sandy : Um, no I don't think I recall...

  J.D. : Yeah, c'mon. Remember? I went to prom with a tux painted on my naked body?

  Sandy : Um...

  J.D. : Yeah! And then I spilled punch on myself and everyone could see my dong?

  Sandy : No, JD, I really...

  J.D. : Oh yeah! We had chemistry together and I tried to light a fart with the Bunsen burner and I ended up singeing my balls... still can't grow hair on my left nut. Sucks.

• [Judith has torched Darren's Neil Diamond albums] 

  J.D. : She torched Neil? You're right. She is a monster.

• [Wayne and J.D. are discussing what's happened to Darren] 

  Wayne : She didn't like the way his ass looked, so she made him get butt cheek implants.

  J.D. : I thought his ass looked tighter!

• J.D. : Neil! I wanna party with you! I WANNA PARTY WITH YOU!

• J.D. : COME ON AH YEEEEEEEH-HA!

• J.D. : Fuck you, replacement-friends!

  Wayne : Eat this, Fake Wayne!

• Wayne : So, Coach, how's your parole coming?

  Coach Norton : Not good. The victim's whiny family keeps complaining

  J.D. : God! What is their PROBLEM?

• J.D. : [bringing a box of videos to Judith]  Hey, I brought you some more videos. You've got your choice: porno's or monster trucks. Oh, and I got one that's both.

• J.D. : Dude, what does a mime look like when he's having sex anyway? Probably like,

  [making obscene gestures with his hands] 

  J.D. : 'I'm a mime! I'm a mime!' Ha ha ha!

  Wayne : Dude, mimes don't talk.

  J.D. : They do when they're off duty.

• J.D. : Maybe she's a herm.

  Darren : A what?

  J.D. : Ya know, a herm. A little puss, little dick.

• J.D. : Judith escaped.

  Wayne : ...Dehrrrrrrrr.

• [in the R-rated version] 

  Wayne : [in the R-rated version]  I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but he's hung like a horse

  J.D. : It's true!

• J.D. : She used her super-intellect on me! She's like Hanibal Lecter.

• J.D. : Judy, awesome to meet you.

  Judith : Jud-*ith*.

  J.D. : Judith. And a beer bong for the lady?

• Wayne : You're not gay... you're just confused.

  J.D. : Yes, I am gay. Oh HEY! Do you wanna be gay with me?

  Wayne : NO!

• J.D. : You've been pinching loaves on the lawn? I play croquet out there!

• Judith : I don't want your shitty old house or your dead grandmother.

  Wayne : I'll throw J.D. in. He doesn't look like much but girls call him the human power tool.

  J.D. : It's true!

• [Wayne shows Darren a time chart he made reflecting how Darren's relationship with Judith has affected their lives. He begins by pointing to a line reflecting their fun level, labeled 'F'] 

  Wayne : Before Judith, our fun level was at an all time high. Ninety-three, it is now an eight.

  [shows the fun levels large decline] 

  Wayne : [Points to line reflecting their band, labeled 'B'] 

  Wayne : Band numbers have plunged dramatically as well.

  [Points to line reflecting girls, labeled 'G'. The line remains extremely low throughout the chart] 

  Wayne : Girls... never very high at nine, but look now. TWO!

  [Points to line representing their masturbation levels, labeled 'WO', the line very quickly rises so that it runs off the chart] 

  Wayne : This has obviously lead to increased whacking off!

  J.D. : I'm chafing.

• J.D. : Isn't one-and-only supposed to be, like, one? And only?

• J.D. : What happened?

  Judith : [Karate yell]  Wah!

• Coach Norton : What is it that I always said?

  J.D. , Wayne : If you can dream it, you can do it.

  Coach Norton : Exactly! You have the dream. All you need to do is turn it into reality.

• Coach Norton : So when are you getting hitched?

  J.D. : Actually, I'm not. I'm gay.

  Coach Norton : Me too.