Gord Brody: I'm gonna make you proud, Dad...

[starts driving away but brakes and honks as a senior citizen is about to cross]

Gord Brody: GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE WAY.

[continues driving]

Gord Brody: I wanna eat chicken burgers.

Gord Brody: [playing the sausage organ] Daddy, would you like some sausage? Daddy, would you like some sausage?

Julie Brody: Gordie, sit down. We're having roast beef.

Gord Brody: Why do you guys always have roast beef?

Jim: Boo-hoo. Little Lord Fauntleroy's tummy hurts because there's too much roast beef in it.

Gord Brody: It's just boring.

[Opens bag, pulls out a chicken sandwich]

Gord Brody: I'm eating a chicken sandwich.

Jim: No, you're not!

Gord Brody: This is crazy. I'm a 28-year-old man, I should be able to eat a chicken sandwich if I want.

Jim: He's 28 years old and he can eat a chicken sandwich. Very Impressive. Mike Fitzgibbon's son is a nuclear physicist, and my son can eat a chicken!

[Grabs chicken sandwich, throws it to the dogs]

Julie Brody: Jim, no!

Jim: You can either eat that goddamn roast beef, or you can go to bed.

[Gord leaves the room]

Gord Brody: Hi. How are you?

Betty: I'd be a lot better if you'd smack my legs with this bamboo.

Jim: Ohhh, look, honey, our boy's a genius! He's rigged a pulley system so he can eat sausage and work on his stupid drawings.

Gord Brody: Look, Daddy, I'm a farmer.

Gord Brody: [Dressed in his father's suit, back to front] I'm the backwards man, the backwards man, the backwards man, I can walk backwards as fast as you can, I can walk backwards as fast as you can.

Gord: Daddy, we're in Pakistan. Let's sew some soccer balls.

Jim: Hey, Gord, the water cold enough for ya?

[Turns the water temperature down, breaks into the bathroom, flushes the toilet]

Jim: Don't tell me this boy's so stupid that he doesn't know the difference between hot and cold.

[opens shower to find God with Soap-on-a-Rope in scuba gear]

Jim: Hey, what are ya doing in my scuba gear?

Gord: Look, I found a treasure.

Jim: That's a Soap-on-a-Rope.

Gord: Shhh, I'm pretending it's a treasure.

Jim: [after he leaves Gord in the shower] You retard!

Jim: Miserable deadbeat punk. Paid for his damn college. Sits around all day wacking off. Proud? My ASS.

Jim: Wait a minute... You're crippled.

Gord Brody: Dad...

Betty: What?

Gord Brody: Dad...

Betty: You got a problem with my legs?

Jim: No, you got a problem with your legs. It's either that, or you're just lazy.

Gord Brody: You can't hurt me, not with my cheese helmet!

Gord Brody: There's my LeBaron. Where's your LeBaron?

Jim: You BETTER run. You LIIIIIAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRR.

Gord Brody: [playing violin wildly] This is a fancy restaurant. This is a fancy restaurant.

Gord Brody: I hope I get a jobby, Freddy. I've got my fingers crossed... crossed... crossed... crossed... cross... ed.

Gord Brody: Wow... it's a LeBaron.

Jim: Bet your boots it's a LeBaron. Good car. Convertible.

Darren: [Gord is working on his skate ramp in the middle of the night, hammering nails loudly] Gord, don't hammer them so loud! Jeez, it's late, you're gonna wake your parents up.

Gord: You're right, I should probably use the electric nail gun.

Darren: Well, yeah.

[Uses the nail gun, making even louder noise. Jim wakes up]

Jim: Oh, boys, will you faggots stop making so fucking much noise? We're trying to sleep!

[Gord continues to use the nail gun]

Jim: Goddammit!

[shouts]

Jim: Stop the fucking hammering!

Mr. Malloy: Hey, I got a kid sleeping over here!

Andy Malloy: Hey, Gord, can I play on your ramp tomorrow?

Gord: Sure. Andy! Anytime!

Jim: [shouts at the top of his lungs, goes back into the house]

Darren: Does your dad have, like, bowel problems?

Gord Brody: He's a molester! He's a CHILLLLLLLLD MOLESTER!

Sandwich Customer: This cheese sandwich.

Gord Brody: What?

Sandwich Customer: It doesn't have enough cheese in it.

Gord Brody: Well... we can't have that, 'cause, you know, a cheese sandwich with no cheese, it's just... two pieces of bread, and you know what? I could LOSE MY JOB. I could lose ALL THIS.

[starts cramming all the cheese slices on the counter into the sandwich]

Gord Brody: So you can... have... all... the cheese... you want.

[throws the stack of cheese slices and bread at the customer]

Sandwich Customer: What the hell do you expect me to do with this?

Gord Brody: Well, I don't know. You could... SHOVE IT UP YOUR BUM-BUM.

[customer walks out disgusted]

Gord Brody: Yooou... can... put... the... cheeese... in... your... bum...

Jim: You want Daddy to give you a spanking in front of his retard slut whore?

Betty: I'M NOT RETARDED!

Gord Brody: Ding dong! I'm a sexy boy!

Gord: Don't touch my shoulder, I saved the day.

Gord Brody: Fuck you, Dad.

Jim: Fuck me? Is that what you wanna do?

[drops his pants]

Jim: Well, go ahead, FUCK ME!

Betty: But, Gord, I don't care about jewels, I just want to suck your cock.

Jim: He said 'Fuck you, Dad'. So I said 'Fuck you, fuck me. Fuck you, fuck me"... and I NEVER FINGERED FREDDY.

[Andy Malloy looks at Jim while playing catch and gets hit in mouth with baseball, cries]

Gord Brody: Japan Four.

Jim: [screaming at the top of his lungs after Darren breaks his leg skateboarding in the middle of the night] You little shit, you think that's funny? I gotta go to work tomorrow! Get the hell of my property!

[throws the skateboard at Darren's broken leg]

Gord Brody: Dad, what the fuck, he hurt his leg!

Jim: Why's everybody screaming like a banshee?

[notices Darren's exposed bone on his leg]

Jim: Jesus Christ.

[to Gord]

Jim: Well, get him a job! I mean, get HIM an ambulance, YOU get a job!

[Gord licks Darren's bone, Jim slaps Gord]

Jim: Stop that, what the hell do you think you're doing?

Jim: Get out of the toilet!

Jim: Where the fuck is the water?

Gord Brody: I see the problem here. There's a baby in your body.

Harry: You hear the funny sound? You hear the funny sound? It's my hooves. It's my hooves.

Andy Malloy: Can I really have a piece of cake, Daddy?

Mr. Malloy: Sure you can, son. It's your birthday!

Andy Malloy: Yay!

Mr. Malloy: Yay!

Gord Brody: I'm looking for a David Davidson.

Woman: I'm a woman.

Gord Brody: Did I ask what sex you are?

Woman: No.

Gord Brody: Did I ask if you were David Davidson?

Woman: My name is Cheryl.

Gord Brody: This is "Little Timmy". He gets us food and stuff. Right, Little Timmy?

Jim: What the fuck is going on, Gord? Why aren't you at your new job?

Gord Brody: What are you talking about, Timmy?

Jim: Gord... Jesus. There ain't no big computer job... is there? You're just gallivantin' around in my suit pretending to be some kind of mover 'n shaker aren't you?

Gord: Ahhh... Freddy. Freddy.

Freddy Brody: Is that um...

Jim: That's your big brother. He couldn't handle the complexities of making a cheese sandwich, so now he's back here at home with us... jeez, is that idiot still in the shower? Shit. How much water is he gonna use?

Freddy Brody: How much is he gonna use? All of it? Save some for the fish or something. Right, Pop? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Psychiatrist: Mr. Brody, this is very serious. Based on what I have heard today, I am required by law to notify the authorities.

Doctor: You did not save the day!

Jim: What are you looking at... bitch?

Zebra Character: Hear that funny sound? It's my hooves! Listen to my hooooooves!

Jim: [to Betty] If this was Pakistan, you'd be sewing soccer balls.