[Family dinner, with Lorena and daughter as guests]

Heidi: [to her mother, Fern] Why are you apologizing to her? She's an unwed mother.

Fern: Well, better an unwed mother than just plain unwed.

Heidi: Because every klezmer band in town is booked and I desperately need a band. But if I hire you, you have to be willing to "hora". Is that a problem?

Fannie: Oh man, at this point I'd fuck anyone.

Fannie: You can fuck me if I'm wrong!

Steven: No, That's okay.

Steven: I look both ways when I cross the street.

Fannie: D'you know our high school reunion's comin' up? Ten years... D'you know how depressing that is? D'you think I don't wanna slash my fucking wrists when I think about that? Goddamn it!

Fannie: Steven, you drive like my fucking grandma! Wait... that's actually an insult because my grandma drives better than you do!

Heidi: Steven?

[Enters Steven's room and sees him in his underwear, with his dummy dressed as a child]

Heidi: ... Gross! You look like a child molester!

Fannie: Oh hey, what are you doing on the Fourth?

Steven: I don't know.

Fannie: 'Cause I just ordered some kick ass fireworks. Like, even the chinks are scared of this shit.

Steven: What about the little girl?

Fannie: Look, don't worry, alright. Worst case scenario it's her kid, alright, at least you know she puts out.

Fannie: I bought a gift for you.

Steven: Oh, no.

Fannie: Actually, I lifted it from Borders. But it's perfect for your date. It's classical music.

Steven: Oh, thanks!

Fannie: Yeah, when you get Lorena alone, put this on. Classical music makes women horny. Just trust me on this one.

Steven: Thanks. "Best of John Philip Sousa".

Fannie: Yeah. Chicks dig it.

Heidi: [about Michael going in jail] Serves him right. I hope you rot there, fucking loser.

Fern: Heidi! That loser was almost your husband!

Heidi: Why can't you get it into your head he's a psychopath?

Fern: I'm *sure* he is. But he's also a very successful accountant.

Fannie: [after being thrown out for throwing a tantrum in a Target] Fucking suburbanized shit!

Lou: [Loudly, after Heidi smashes his model battleship] You're grounded.

Lorena: I have a daughter Steven, you have a dummy.

Bonnie: He would be a great brother.

Lorena: Who? Steven?

Bonnie: No, the dummy.

Steven: I've been in love with you ever since I sat on my glasses.

Fern: Are you Jewish?

Lorena: No, I'm Italian.

Fern: Same thing.

Lou: You sniffin' my airplane glue, too?

Fern: You know Lou, when you have kids to raise, you yell.

Heidi: I wanted to sing. And you made me feel like a fool.

Fern: Honey, it's not my fault if you felt like a fool. I *always* supported you. I only wanted you to be more realistic.