[to his genitals]
Kyle: I'm going to hurt you tonight!
Jill: Call me "mistress", you disgusting little worm!
[Natalie is with Kyle in the bedroom]
Michael: Natalie, get out of there! Save yourself! It's the dick of death!
Shelby: Say it, Michael.
Michael: Say it?
Shelby: I won't do it unless you say it.
Michael: I'm sorry. I'm having a little bit of trouble concentrating here. What is it exactly you want me to say?
Shelby: You know. Those three... little... words...
Michael: Those three little words... Hold on a minute.
Shelby: What? What's wrong?
Michael: I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.
Shelby: Why are you acting like this?
Michael: Shelby, I like you. I like you a lot. But things are just moving a little too fast. I'm just not ready to say, "I love you".
Shelby: What makes you think I want you to say, "I love you"?
Michael: Oh, come on. Back there. You wouldn't do it because I wouldn't say those three little words.
Shelby: You colossal moron! "Suck... my... cock".
Michael: Oh, suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock!
Jill: [as a tortured Micheal tries to scream in his gag] I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. Something's... missing.
Granny: [walks in with a whip and dominatrix' clothes] Here's grammy!
[plays with her tongue as the screen fades out]
Michael: [fade in to outside the house] That's it, no more redheads. No more redheads ever.
[screams as the gate touches his backside]
Jan: Blaine! Get your penis out of the tartar sauce!
Kyle: I fuck and fuck and can't get relief.
Kyle: I love the smell of bridesmaids in the morning.
Natalie: You're under arrest, you sick fuck!
[Natalie hands Michael some "Horny Devil" boxers she randomly bought for him]
Michael: Oh great! These will go well with my Horny Devil socks.
Steve: Don't worry buddy, you're at the Hard Rock. I mean this place rocks... hard.
Kyle: Oh If I get married it's going to be a cosmetics counter girl.
Michael: Why a cosmetics counter girl?
Kyle: It's the perfect woman, man. You know they're always going to smell good and wear makeup, plus, they're not too ambitious so they'll make a good wife AND they're not going to be one of those damn feminist bitches that keep their own last name when you marry them.
Steve: Like my mom?
Kyle: Yeah, exactly.
Kyle: [after surgery to remove his testicle] Mike, I want my ball.
Michael: Kyle, I understand that but look on the bright side, you still have one healthy one.
Kyle: You don't understand, I want it! I want to take it home with me. The nurses said I can't do that.
Michael: It's not a tooth, Kyle.
Kyle: It belongs to me! I miss it. Please get my nut.
Jill: I know about boys like you, you don't take books seriously.
Jill: One whack for every day overdue.
Jill: The Scarlet Letter, great inspiration in those pages. It's an excellent Choice.
Jill: That's right. You should think long think long and hard about what you did. You naughty boy.
Jill: You piece of slime.
Kyle: [at the cosmetics counter, where Natalie is working as the Cosmetics Counter Girl. Kyle picks up some lipstick] Man, I hate this shade of lipstick - it stays on your dick for like a week!
Natalie: [shocked look on her face, disgusted by his comment, but then she regains her composure] : Then you should try our hypo-allergenic cleanser.