Michael: [to himself] You are going to have sex with the first woman you see. First woman you see, first woman you see.

[walks out of the bathroom and stumbles by an unattractive, fat woman]

Michael: OK, second woman you see. The second woman you see.

[to his genitals]

Kyle: I'm going to hurt you tonight!

Jill: Call me "mistress", you disgusting little worm!

[Natalie is with Kyle in the bedroom]

Michael: Natalie, get out of there! Save yourself! It's the dick of death!

Shelby: Say it, Michael.

Michael: Say it?

Shelby: I won't do it unless you say it.

Michael: I'm sorry. I'm having a little bit of trouble concentrating here. What is it exactly you want me to say?

Shelby: You know. Those three... little... words...

Michael: Those three little words... Hold on a minute.

Shelby: What? What's wrong?

Michael: I'm sorry. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Shelby: Why are you acting like this?

Michael: Shelby, I like you. I like you a lot. But things are just moving a little too fast. I'm just not ready to say, "I love you".

Shelby: What makes you think I want you to say, "I love you"?

Michael: Oh, come on. Back there. You wouldn't do it because I wouldn't say those three little words.

Shelby: You colossal moron! "Suck... my... cock".

Michael: Oh, suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock! Suck my cock!

Jill: [as a tortured Micheal tries to scream in his gag] I don't know, I'm just not feeling it. Something's... missing.

Granny: [walks in with a whip and dominatrix' clothes] Here's grammy!

[plays with her tongue as the screen fades out]

Michael: [fade in to outside the house] That's it, no more redheads. No more redheads ever.

[screams as the gate touches his backside]

Jan: Blaine! Get your penis out of the tartar sauce!

Kyle: I fuck and fuck and can't get relief.

Kyle: I love the smell of bridesmaids in the morning.

Natalie: I'm falling for Kyle.

Michael: What?

Natalie: He's actually sweet.

Michael: Sweet? The guy screws women while they're barfing!

[to Michael]

Natalie: You're under arrest, you sick fuck!

Carlos: I'm curious, Mr. Delaney. How did you get the money?

Michael: I guess you could say I sold my soul.

Carlos: Yeah, I see a lot of that.

[Natalie hands Michael some "Horny Devil" boxers she randomly bought for him]

Michael: Oh great! These will go well with my Horny Devil socks.

Steve: It's like I've found this huge spiritual side to myself that I didn't even know existed

Michael: Last week, I had sex with twins.

Steve: OK, you win.

Jill: You don't respect books.

Michael: I love books,

Jill: You break their bindings, and you doodle in their margins.

Jill: You've been a bad bad boy,

Michael: No no no, I haven't. I've been a very good boy.

Jill: You had an overdue library book.

Jill: That's right, you are a doodle bug.

Michael: I'm not a doodle bug.

Jill: That's what you are, just a little dirty bug.

Michael: I know that you would probably just like to have me hanging around so you can...

[Jill opens up the curtains behind to reveal hidden BDSM equipment]

Michael: beat the ever living shit our of me.

Steve: Don't worry buddy, you're at the Hard Rock. I mean this place rocks... hard.

Kyle: Oh If I get married it's going to be a cosmetics counter girl.

Michael: Why a cosmetics counter girl?

Kyle: It's the perfect woman, man. You know they're always going to smell good and wear makeup, plus, they're not too ambitious so they'll make a good wife AND they're not going to be one of those damn feminist bitches that keep their own last name when you marry them.

Steve: Like my mom?

Kyle: Yeah, exactly.

Kyle: [after surgery to remove his testicle] Mike, I want my ball.

Michael: Kyle, I understand that but look on the bright side, you still have one healthy one.

Kyle: You don't understand, I want it! I want to take it home with me. The nurses said I can't do that.

Michael: It's not a tooth, Kyle.

Kyle: It belongs to me! I miss it. Please get my nut.

Kyle: Cherry, come here! Come here, Cherry. Hey, sit down. This is MichaeI. And she's a student.

Cherry: Right now I'm concentrating on my actressing.

Jill: I know about boys like you, you don't take books seriously.

Jill: One whack for every day overdue.

Jill: The Scarlet Letter, great inspiration in those pages. It's an excellent Choice.

Kyle: This is fantastic, you're like a big bad dominatrix and everything. I can't wait to get to this. Come on show me what you've got.

Jill: I don't know. I think something's missing.

Jill: That's right. You should think long think long and hard about what you did. You naughty boy.

Michael: What is that?

Jill: You piece of slime.

Jill: You said it, we're on the same wavelength.

Michael: Oh yeah. All that wavelength stuff. To be frankly honest with you, I was just saying that to get you into bed.

Jill: That is not very nice, Infact that is downright naughty.

Jill: You piece of slime.

Michael: [to Jill after she takes off her pink gown revealing that she is really wearing a purple leather corset underneath] I gotta tell you Jill. This is a little unexpected.

Jill: Call me Mistress, you disgusting little worm.

Kyle: [at the cosmetics counter, where Natalie is working as the Cosmetics Counter Girl. Kyle picks up some lipstick] Man, I hate this shade of lipstick - it stays on your dick for like a week!

Natalie: [shocked look on her face, disgusted by his comment, but then she regains her composure] : Then you should try our hypo-allergenic cleanser.