Brenda: The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid living today.

Claire: Well, isn't it comforting to know that being miserable is still better than being an idiot?

Maggie Sibley: I know that if you think life's a vending machine where you put in virtue and take out happiness then you're going to be disappointed.

Nate: Why do you treat me like shit all the time, Brenda?

Brenda: Because I've had a really fucked-up life and I need sarcasm to hide how ridiculously miserable I am!

Claire: If we live our lives the right way then everything we do can become a work of art.

Officer Keith Charles: [talking to David about marriage] You're in my will, I'm in yours. We basically are married, even if the law refuses to recognize it. But then again, I refuse to recognize most of the Bush Administration. I guess it all evens out.

Celeste: You ever been with a woman?

Officer Keith Charles: Of course.

Celeste: I don't get fucked in the ass.

Officer Keith Charles: That makes one of us.

George Sibley: I've made a lot of enemies through the years. You take the backstabbing world of academia, throw in a controversial field like geology and you've got real trouble.

Claire: Geology is controversial?

George Sibley: Oil, Claire. Oil.

[repeated line]

Ruth Fisher: Really and truly?

[holding picture]

Nate: There's something weird about twins, about these twins anyway.

[shows picture to Brenda]

Brenda: They're cute.

Nate: They smell like bananas.

Celeste: [on the phone] Fine, I'll do the crappy Kids Choice Awards, but I'm not presenting with Hilary fucking Duff.

[Parker is about to have sex]

Guy at party: How old are you?

Parker: How old do you want me to be?

Celeste: Creepy Colin Farrell just left me another creepy message; can't we do something about that, y'know legally?

Claire: You know, at first I was worried, but now I'm just pissed.