Brenda: The future is just a fucking concept that we use to avoid living today.
Claire: Well, isn't it comforting to know that being miserable is still better than being an idiot?
Maggie Sibley: I know that if you think life's a vending machine where you put in virtue and take out happiness then you're going to be disappointed.
Claire: If we live our lives the right way then everything we do can become a work of art.
Officer Keith Charles: [talking to David about marriage] You're in my will, I'm in yours. We basically are married, even if the law refuses to recognize it. But then again, I refuse to recognize most of the Bush Administration. I guess it all evens out.
Ruth Fisher: Really and truly?
Celeste: [on the phone] Fine, I'll do the crappy Kids Choice Awards, but I'm not presenting with Hilary fucking Duff.
[Parker is about to have sex]
Guy at party: How old are you?
Parker: How old do you want me to be?
Celeste: Creepy Colin Farrell just left me another creepy message; can't we do something about that, y'know legally?
Claire: You know, at first I was worried, but now I'm just pissed.