Elle: [Elle is cross-examining Chutney Windham] Ms. Windham, what had you done earlier that day?
Chutney Windham: I got up. Got a latte. Went to the gym. Got a perm and came home.
Elle: Where you got in the shower?
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: I believe the witness has made it clear that she was in the shower.
[Courtroom audience laughs]
Elle: Yes, your Honor.
Elle: [a sudden brainstorm comes over Elle] Ms. Windham, had you ever gotten a perm before?
Chutney Windham: Yes.
Chutney Windham: Two a year since I was 12. You do the math.
Elle: You know, a girl in my sorority, Tracy Marcinco got a perm once. We all tried to talk her out of it. Curls weren't a good look for her. She didn't have your bone structure, but thankfully that same day she entered the Pheta Delta Phi wet t-shirt contest where she was completely hosed to down from head to toe...
DA Joyce Rafferty: Objection, why is this relevant?
Elle: I have a point, I promise.
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Then make it.
Elle: Chutney, why is it Tracy Marcinco's curls were ruined when she got hosed down?
Chutney Windham: Because they got wet.
Elle: Exactly. Because isn't the first cardinal rule of perm maintenance that you're forbidden to wet your hair for at least 24 hours after getting a perm at the risk of deactivating the immonium thygocolate?
Chutney Windham: Yes.
Elle: And wouldn't somebody who had, say, 30 perms before in their life be well aware of this rule, and if in fact you weren't washing your hair as I suspect you weren't because your curls are still intact, wouldn't you have heard the gunshot, and if in fact you had heard the gunshot Brooke Windham wouldn't have had time to hide the gun before you got downstairs. Which means you would have had to found Brooke Windham with a gun in her hand to make your story plausible, isn't that right?
Chutney Windham: She's my age! Did she tell you that? How would you feel if your father married someone who was your age?
Elle: You, however, Chutney had time to hide the gun after you shot your father.
Chutney Windham: [Chutney is in tears] I didn't mean to shoot him!
[points at Brooke]
Chutney Windham: I thought it was YOU walking through the door!
[Courtroom audience gasps]
Elle: Oh my God.
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Oh my God.
Brooke: Oh my God.
The Honorable Marina R. Bickford: Balliff, take the witness into custody, where she will be charged for the murder of Joseph Windham. Case dismissed. Mrs. Windham, you're free to go.
Brooke: Thank you, your honor.
Emmett: Did you take Mrs. Windham on a date?
Enrique Salvatore: Yes.
Enrique Salvatore: A restaurant in Concord, where no one could recognize us.
Emmett: How long have you been sleeping with Mrs. Windham?
Enrique Salvatore: Three months.
Emmett: And your boyfriend's name is...
Enrique Salvatore: Chuck.
Enrique Salvatore: Pardon me, pardon me. I thought you said friend; Chuck is just a friend.
Chuck: YOU BITCH!
Elle: I just don't think that Brooke could've done this. Exercise gives you endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people just don't shoot their husbands, they just don't.
[Elle sees David the geek trying unsuccessfully to get a date with two lovely girls, who mock him, and decides to help by making the girls think she dated David]
Elle: Excuse me.
[Elle turns around and slaps David]
Elle: Why didn't you call me? We spent a beautiful night together and I haven't heard from you since.
David: [pause] I'm sorry?
Elle: Sorry for what? For breaking my heart, or for giving me the greatest pleasure I've ever known and just taking it away?
Elle: Well, forget it. I've spent too much time crying over you.
[Elle walks away, and the girls change their mind about him]
Girl: So, when did you wanna go out?
Professor Stromwell: If you're going to let one stupid prick ruin your life... you're not the girl I thought you were.
Professor Callahan: Do you think she woke up one morning and said "I think I'll go to law school today"?
Elle: [on video essay] ... and that's why you should vote for me. Elle Woods: future lawyer for the class of 2004.
Admissions Guy: She does have a 4.0 from CULA and she got a 179 on LSATs.
Head of Admissions: Fashion major?
Admissions Guy: Well sir we've never had one before and aren't we always looking for diversity?
Admissions Guy: Her list of extra-curricular activities is impressive.
Head of Admissions: She was in a Ricky Martin video.
Admissions Guy: Clearly, she's interested in music.
Head of Admissions: She also designed a line of faux-fur panties for her sorority's charity project.
Admissions Guy: Uh huh, she's a friend to the animals as well as a philanthropist.
Head of Admissions: Elle Woods.
Head of Admissions: Welcome to Harvard.
Elle's Mother: Honey, you were First Runner-Up at the "Miss Hawaiian Tropics" contest. Why are you going to throw that all away?
Elle: Going to Harvard is the only way I'm going to get the love of my life back.
Elle's Father: Oh, sweetheart, you don't need law school. Law school is for people who are boring and ugly and serious. And you, button, are none of those things.
Elle: [after Warner asks her out after the trial] But if I'm going to be a partner in a law firm by the time I'm 30, I need a boyfriend who's not such a complete bonehead.
Elle: Hi. I'm Elle Woods and this is Bruiser Woods. We're both Gemini vegetarians.
Elle: And last week I saw Cameron Diaz at Fred Segal, and I talked her out of buying this truly heinous angora sweater. Whoever said orange was the new pink was seriously disturbed.
Elle: [to Emmett] So, if you don't know an answer they're just gonna kick you out.
Emmett: So you have Stromwell, huh?
Elle: Yes. Did she do that to you too?
Emmett: No, but she did make me cry once... not in class I waited until I got back to my room, but yeah she'll kick you right in the balls, or wherever.
Paulette: [Elle is in tears at the salon after she finds out Warner dumped her for her new rival, Vivian] So what's this Vivian got that you don't have? Three tits?
Elle: I don't need back-ups. I'm going to Harvard.
C.U.L.A. Advisor: Well then, you'll need excellent recommendations from your professors.
C.U.L.A. Advisor: And a heck of an admissions essay.
C.U.L.A. Advisor: And at least a 175 on your LSATs.
Elle: I once had to judge a tighty-whitey contest for Lambda Kappa Pi. Trust me, I can handle anything.
Elle: Because I'm not a Vanderbilt, suddenly I'm white trash? I grew up in Bel Air, Warner. Across the street from Aaron Spelling. I think most people would agree that's a lot better than some stinky old Vanderbilt.
Elle: Is that low-viscosity rayon? With a half-loop top stitching on the hem?
Boutique Saleswoman: Of course. It's one of a kind.
Elle: It's impossible to use a half-loop stitching on low-viscosity rayon. It would snag the fabric. And you didn't just get it in - I saw it in the June Vogue a year ago. So if you're trying to sell it to me for full price, you've picked the wrong girl.
Brooke: I was getting...
Elle: I'm sorry, what?
Brooke: [whispers a little louder] I was getting liposuction.
Brooke: [shouting] LIPOSUCTION!
Elle: [gasps loudly]
Brooke: OH GOD!
Elle: [low voice] NO...
Brooke: I know! I'm a fraud! It's not like normal women can have this ass! If my fans knew that I bought it, I would lose everything!
Brooke: I've already lost my husband.
Brooke: I'd rather go to jail than lose my reputation.
Elle: [understanding] Brooke, your secret's safe with me.
Brooke: [tearfully, yet thankfully] Thank you.
Paulette: [to her ex-husband] I'm takin' the dog... DUMBASS!
Warner Huntington III: If I want to be a Senator, I need to marry a Jackie, not a Marilyn.
[Elle is presiding at her sorority meeting]
Elle: It has come to my attention that the maintenance staff is switching our toilet paper from Charmin... to generic. All those opposed to chafing, please say "Aye".
Entire Sorority Group: Aye.
Paulette: So what's a girl to do? He's a guy who followed his pecker to greener pastures. I'm a middle aged, high school drop out with stretch marks and a fat ass.
Elle: [from deleted scene] She told me I look like Britney Spears! Why would she say that if she doesn't like me?
Warner Huntington III: Pooh-bear, you're not serious enough...
Elle: [firmly] Well, I'm serious about this, Warner.
Warner Huntington III: No. I mean, I'm sorry but, you're never going to be smart enough for lessons in law.
[Elle silently, yet suddenly discovers that Warner doesn't respect her and never will respect her]
Elle: I'm never going to be good enough for you, am I?
Elle: The rules of hair care are simple and finite. Any Cosmo girl would have known.
Elle: Uh. I'm sorry. I just hallucinated.
Elle: No more boring suits or pantyhose, I'm trying to be somebody I'm not.
Elle: Bend and snap.
Boutique Saleswoman: There's nothing I love better than a dumb blonde with Daddy's plastic.
Professor Callahan: Let the blood bath begin.
Elle: All people see when they look at me is blonde hair and big boobs.
Paulette: [Paulette gets nervous talking to the UPS man and spills nail solution all over the table] Geez! Could I be any more goddamn spastic?
Elle: This is gonna be just like senior year, except for funner!
Maurice: Oh, my God, the bend and snap works every time!
David: My name is David Kidney. I have a master's in Russian literature, a PhD in biochemistry, and for the last eighteen months I've been deworming orphans in Somalia.
Enid: Hey, how ya doin', I'm Enid Wexler, got a PhD from Berkeley in women's studies, emphasis in the history of combat...
Brooke: Why would I kill my husband?
Professor Callahan: Insurance? A love affair? Pure, unadulterated hatred? Believe me; the D.A. will come up with plenty of reasons.
Brooke: I loved him.
Professor Callahan: He was 34 years older than you. That doesn't look so good to a jury.
Brooke: Then show them a picture of his dick. That should clear a few things up.
Elle Woods: [after being chosen to work on Brooke's case] Oh, Warner? Do you remember those four amazing hours we spent in the hot tub after Winter Formal?
Elle Woods: This is so much better than that! Excuse me, I have some shopping to do!
Vivian Kensington: [after Elle has left] Four hours?