Drew Latham: Please! Please, let me stay here!

Tom Valco: No!

Drew Latham: I'll pay you.

Tom Valco: My family's not for sale, pal.

Drew Latham: I'll pay you $250,000!

Tom Valco: Welcome home, son.

[last lines]

Missy Vanglider: Daddy, stop the car! Oh, my God!

Letitia Vanglider: Oh, my God!

Horace Vanglider: He's kissing his sister.

Letitia Vanglider: That is open mouth!

Horace Vanglider: 'Tis the season to be jolly, honey.

Letitia Vanglider: Oh, God! Get us out of here!

Horace Vanglider: Maybe they're trying to keep warm.

Letitia Vanglider: Let's get out of here! Come on!

Drew Latham: It's fun just to buy shit sometimes!

Tom Valco: I think your mom's starting to like your grandfather hitting on her.

Drew Latham: There's a sentence you don't often hear on Christmas Eve.

Drew Latham: Hey, Dad.

Christine Valco: He's talking to you, genius.

Tom Valco: Yeah, Drew?

Drew Latham: Would you do me a kindness? Put this hat on. My dad always used to wear a Santa hat when we went Christmas tree shopping.

Tom Valco: [laughs] In public?

Drew Latham: Yeah.

Tom Valco: Yeah, that would be no. And in private, that would be no, too.

Drew Latham: Please wear the hat.

Tom Valco: No. I'm not wearing the hat.

Drew Latham: Tom, you gotta wear the hat.

Tom Valco: I'm not wearing the hat.

Drew Latham: Wear the hat, Tom.

Tom Valco: I'm not wearing the hat. Now get it away from me before I shove it up your ass!

Drew Latham: Tom, are you familiar with the phrase "breach of contract"?

Tom Valco: Give me the hat!

Doo-Dah Understudy: Yuletide's a bitch, ain't it?

[first lines]

Drew Latham: Folks, my firm's done a tremendous amount of marketing research and we've discovered two critical things, one; most Americans feel that Christmas is a time for family. Two; most Americans feel that in order to stand being around their family, for even one or two days, they need to swill as much alcohol as humanly possible.

Christine Valco: Tom, that guy is still here.

Tom Valco: Yeah, I know.

Christine Valco: Why is he still here?

Tom Valco: He's giving us $250,000 to be his family for Christmas.

Christine Valco: And you agreed to this without asking me?

Tom Valco: Of course I did, he's giving us $250,000!

Christine Valco: And how would you like it if I agreed to something like this without asking you?

Tom Valco: Well, that would depend. Would we be getting $250,000?

Deli Man: How's the holidays?

Tom Valco: Considering I got a pain in my ass about six feet tall in my house, all right!

Tom Valco: [shouts] Brian, get down here and eat your dinner, will you?

Brian Valco: I'm not hungry!

Tom Valco: Yeah, you are!

Christine Valco: Stop yelling at me.

Tom Valco: I'm not yelling at you. Brian!

Christine Valco: [shouts] Brian! Get down here please, so your father can stop not yelling at me!

Brian Valco: I'm busy!

Tom Valco: I told you, we shouldn't have put the computer up in his room. He's gonna spend all his time there.

Christine Valco: Oh, Tom. Welcome to the future, dear. He's advancing his skills. One day that computer's gonna get our baby a good job.

Tom Valco: Trust me. What he's doing up there, nobody's gonna pay him for, 'cause if they did, I'd have retired at seventeen.

Drew Latham: Hey, Alicia! Want to go toboganning with me?

Alicia Valco: Oh, I'm sorry Drew. Have I been sending you mixed signals?

Drew Latham: [laughs] You know, I just thought instead of maybe laying around the house all day, you might actually wanna have some fun.

Alicia Valco: No thanks.

Drew Latham: Oh, I see. You're afraid of fun. You don't like having fun!

Alicia Valco: Of course I like fun. Everybody likes fun... it's fun!

Drew Latham: So then, why won't you go with me?

Alicia Valco: Because it'll be with you.

Brian Valco: Some things cannot be unseen!

Drew Latham: Wow, I can't believe it. This is amazing. This is exactly how I remember it.

Brian Valco: You mean, you're saying it was always a shithole?

Drew Latham: Did you hear that? That stair squeaked. You know what we used to call that squeaky stair? The squeaky stair!

Drew Latham: Mom, you wanna stick with Doo-Dah?

Christine Valco: Why me?

Drew Latham: He's your father.

Doo-Dah: How come you never call?

Brian Valco: I hate these people!

Drew Latham: You do know that's a bra you're putting in Brian's drawer, right?

Christine Valco: Yeah, that's your brother. He's 15, he likes to experiment. We still love him though.

Tom Valco: Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, I agreed that you could stay here not Doo-Doo over here.

Doo-Dah: Doo-Dah.

Tom Valco: Nobody's talkin' to you.

Alicia Valco: It's insane.

Tom Valco: Know what happened to me on my way home? I got propositioned by a hooker.

Doo-Dah: She the blonde with the big cans?

Tom Valco: Hey, Doo-Doo. You watch your language in front of my daughter.

Doo-Dah: [after Brian shows him an online link to "Middle Aged Hotties] Now you're talking my language. Old enough to know how it's done and young enough to still want to do it.

Doo-Dah: [performing "A Christmas Carol" onstage] But how can we go? I'm liable to fall out the window.

Christmas Present: Then we go another way. We fly!

Doo-Dah: [cables are hoisting both up] Wedgie! Wedgie!

Tom Valco: [at the play watching Doo-Dah] Christine.

Christine Valco: Hm?

Tom Valco: If I were to leave, I wouldn't know where to go.

Christine Valco: So why leave?

Tom Valco: That's what I'm saying, I don't want to leave.

Christine Valco: Then don't.

Tom Valco: Okay, I won't. Is that all right with you?

Christine Valco: [turns to him and smiles] Yeah. It's fine with me.

[they take each other's hands during the play]