[during drive to lake]
Stifler: Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo-hoo.
Jim's Dad: Musilage is dangerous territory, and uhh, I would think any adhesive product would have a warning right on the tube.
Jim: I thought it was a, uhh, a lubricant. Ok, I was trying to use lubricant.
Jim's Dad: Oh... oh...
Wheelchair Lady: [looking at Pussy Palace] Son, couldn't you have left that disgusting thing at home?
Jim's Dad: Excuse me?
Wheelchair Lady: Well, that kind of material is offensive to me.
Jim's Dad: Ohh, well we're sorry, but uh, but you see my son COULDN'T leave it at home because uhh, he's having a bit of a MEDICAL EMERGENCY?
Jim: That's right. Thanks Dad.
Jim's Dad: Your opinion of his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady. Ok? It's at the bottom of the totem pole. My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Because you dont have a penis. Or maybe you do?
Stifler: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?
Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.
Stifler: I got peed on!
Jim's Dad: [to Natalie's Dad] Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didn't get your daughter's name, but hopefully my son did.
[Stifler thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony]
Stifler: I can taste the bubbles.
[talking to a picture of Stifler's Mom ]
Finch: How did you do that magic you did?
Jim: Was I any good that night?
Michelle: Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing. But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?
Jim: I'm sorry, "terrible?"
Michelle: I've had worse.
Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just... ah... I could give you some pointers. If you want.
Jim: That's a lot of flutes.
Stifler: [Stiffler and Jim have just kissed passionately, trying to get the girls to do each other] Dude, you're a fuckin' LOUSY kisser.
Jim: What? That's not fair! I wasn't TRYING there.
[to the girls]
Jim: I'm really bett...
Danielle: No judgment.
Jim: Wait a second, you were trying?
Stifler: Fuck, no!
Jim: You WERE trying!
Stifler: YOU were trying! Oh no I kissed Jim!
Trucker: Squeeze his ass son, you'll like it.
[Talking to Vicky while she's hanging clothes back up on the racks at work]
Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none.
Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.
[Nadia is sitting at a table drinking a Pepsi when Sherman comes over to start a conversation]
Sherman: [a few minutes into the conversation] I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady.
Nadia: I am lucky lady?
Sherman: That's right, Nadia. You've been targeted for Shermination. Come with me if you want to live.
Nadia: Oh! Oh, no! Oh! Help! Ohhh! Fuck me, geek!
[Sherman and Nadia go upstairs to have sex]
Jessica: [Thinking if she would actually be able to get with Stifler] Forget it.
Stifler: Like you have a chance!
[Both knock back a shot]
Stifler: Jim. Can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.
Michelle: Holy Potatoes.
Jim's Dad: Keep it real homies.
Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.
Oz: Here's a new idea for you Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other you just laugh at the people who do count.
Stifler: Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.
Stifler: There's little hearts on her panties. There's little hearts on her panties.
Stifler: Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.
Jim: This is my first time, since my first time.
[Stifler's brother shows off two girls he picked up]
Stifler: Brilliant. You found Lesbians.
Stifler: Good luck trying to break through that force field.
Amber: We never said that.
Amber: We never said that.
Stifler: Oh... Oh, man. I will do anything... ANYTHING to sleep with you, chicks, okay? I'll grab every guy's ass in this room. I'll caress it even. I'll even shave some ass if they need it!
[sounds of revulsion from young men at party]
Stifler: Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!
[the two "lesbians" are making the guys give each other hand jobs]
Stifler: Its okay. Its okay. I know what I have to do.
[starts undoing his shorts]
Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.
[Finch and Jim run away]
Finch: I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT.
Jim: PUT THAT THING AWAY STIFLER.
Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.
Stifler: [answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch] Stiffler's palace of love... STRAIGHT love.
Stifler's brother: STEVE. Those are my lesbians.
Stifler: Where are the Fuckin' females?
Stifler: Oh God, I kissed Jim.
Michelle: This one time... um, here.
Danielle: [Jim has Amber's dildo while under the bed] Johnny West is missing.
Stifler: Finch, fist yourself!
Male EMT: [when Stifler jumps onto the ambulance where Jim is being treated] Excuse me, sir, are you a family member?
Stifler: Fuck no, this is just too good to miss!
Male EMT: OK sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right?
Stifler: [ambulance drives away] Ha, ha! This summer's turned out to be great!
John: Dude, am I gonna have a hangover? Because, I want one.
Jim: I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself.
Stifler: [regarding Oz] The force is strong with that one.
Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.
Jim's Dad: [6:53] My point is, these little sexual debacles should not get you down, because you know what? It happens to the best of us. In fact the first time your mother and I got together, I used a condom. Well she referred to is as "shrink wrapping". But, I got over it. Anyway, keep your chin up and keep plugging, and uh, good things will happen. Good to have you home, son.
Finch: [1:05:33] Jim, this happens to the best of us.
Natalie: Don't you believe in locks?
Jim: You got laid in an art museum?
Finch: The Met. Oh, and the Guggenheim with Francesca.
Jim: The Guggenheim?
Finch: And then my Social Psyche professor in Baskin-Robbins.
Jim: Alright, enough Finch.
Finch: But, I'll tell you none of these women even compares to...
Finch: Stifler's mom is a goddess.
Jessica: Well, this is about as comfortable as a high colonic in Tijuana. And I would know.
Sherman: Fellas, nice pad. Good view, but the Sherminator sensors detect no female life forms in the vicinity. High likelihood of a sausage fest in progress.
Stifler: Now, just so there's no confusion, Santa Porn has brought us some hetrosexual entertainment.
Band Camp Girl: Jenny, where'd you put my clarinet?
Jenny, Band Camp Girl: Oh, I think I shoved it in your box.
Michelle: Your main problem is - is that you're so uptight. Do I seem uptight about my sexual stuff? No! The biggest point I could give you is you have to feel comfortable in any situation.
Jim's Dad: You know, Jim, eh, I think we should keep your mother in the dark about the little incident tonight. I think the whole glue thing might, eh, get her a little queasy.
Jim: I don't know how I get myself into these things.
Stifler's brother: Dude, where are the fuckin' females?
Jim: Ow! That's my nipples! She just loves my nipples.
Kevin: I guess I was livin' in the past, you know, wanting to party with you guys and be with Vicky. It's just like high school. Remember that day after prom? You know, we made a toast to the next step. I guess I never took it.
Kevin: My brother said that by the end of the summer I'd see the big picture and I see it. No matter what, times change and things are different. The problem is: I don't want them to be.