[during drive to lake]

Stifler: Oh, yeah. The Stifmeister's coming back to Grand Harbor. Deck the halls. Bye-bye, Great Falls. Wipe my ass and lick my balls. It's Stifler time, baby. Whoo-hoo-hoo. Whoo-hoo-hoo.

Stifler: Holy shit dude. I found a dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Dildo. Big blue rubber dicks for everyone. The people demand rubber dicks.

Jim: What are you doing?

Stifler: Looking for more lesbian artifacts.

[hands Jim the dildo]

Jim: Where did you get this?

Stifler: Finch's ass.

Jim's Dad: Musilage is dangerous territory, and uhh, I would think any adhesive product would have a warning right on the tube.

Jim: I thought it was a, uhh, a lubricant. Ok, I was trying to use lubricant.

Jim's Dad: Oh... oh...

Wheelchair Lady: [looking at Pussy Palace] Son, couldn't you have left that disgusting thing at home?

Jim's Dad: Excuse me?

Wheelchair Lady: Well, that kind of material is offensive to me.

Jim's Dad: Ohh, well we're sorry, but uh, but you see my son COULDN'T leave it at home because uhh, he's having a bit of a MEDICAL EMERGENCY?

Jim: That's right. Thanks Dad.

Jim's Dad: Your opinion of his taste in video rentals is not a priority lady. Ok? It's at the bottom of the totem pole. My son is sitting here right now with his hand glued to his penis, but that doesn't mean anything to you does it? Because you dont have a penis. Or maybe you do?

Stifler: When a girl tells you how many guys she's slept with, multiply it by three and that's the real number. Didn't you fuckers learn anything in college?

Jim: That counted.

Stifler: That totally counted.

Danielle: That's the way to kiss your mother.

Stifler: [to Finch] DON'T YOU SAY ANYTHING.

[Stifler and Finch are fighting after Stifler found Finch in his mom's room]

Jim: Okay, guys, we went through this last summer, all right? Finch got a black eye and Stifler got six stitches

Stifler: Cause he fuckin' bit me!

Finch: You touch me, I bite.

Little Boy: [into walky-talky] Red leader, what's your position?

Stifler: [on walky-talky] I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin' his ass, I'm touchin his ass, I'm touchin' his ass...

Little Boy: Mommy!

Kevin: My brother said by the end of the summer I'll get the big picture. And I see it. No matter what, times change, things are different. But the problem is, I don't want them to be.

Michelle's Friend: You are so sweet. He *is* special.

Michelle: He's my bitch.

Michelle: Now don't freak out I'm gonna do something to push your threshold.

Jim: Okay, now. Oh, that's cold! What are you doing?

Michelle: I just shoved a trumpet in your ass. Aren't instruments fun?

Jim: Okay, I think you've just crossed my threshold.

[last lines]

Finch: Oh, Jeanine, Jeanine!

Stifler's Mom: Call me Stifler's Mom.

Finch: [orgasmic noise] STIFLER'S MO-O-O - OM!

Stifler: I got peed on!

Stifler: [after Finch got into Stifler's mom's car and driving off] Hey, where's shit-break?

Jim: Uh, at the movies.

Kevin: Took the bus.

Oz: Coffee.

Stifler: Wait a second... Who the fuck was in that car?

Michelle: [from a deleted scene] Its just like this one time at band camp.

Jim: Ah, Michelle I've been to band camp, it's not all what its cracked up to be.

Jim's Dad: You may be Jimbo, or Jumbo, or Jimbodini to those guys in there, but there are still two people who haven't forgotten where James Emmanuel Levenstein came from. We're awful proud of you son.

Jim: Thanks, Dad.

Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.

Jim's Dad: [to Natalie's Dad] Hi, I'm Jim's Dad. You must be the parents of this young lady. I didn't get your daughter's name, but hopefully my son did.

[Stifler thinks champagne is being poured onto his head when he's actually being urinated on from the balcony]

Stifler: I can taste the bubbles.

Jim: Nadia, please don't take this the wrong way - You are everything I... used to want in a woman, and as much as I'm really... really going to regret this, I think I need to be with someone else.

Nadia: You... you want the band geek?

Jim: Nadia, I *am* a band geek. I just never joined the band.

[talking to a picture of Stifler's Mom ]

Finch: How did you do that magic you did?

Jim: Was I any good that night?

Michelle: Jeez how could I forget? You sucked. You didn't know what the hell you were doing. But wasn't it fun even though you were so terrible?

Jim: I'm sorry, "terrible?"

Michelle: I've had worse.

Jim: Oh.

Michelle: Oh, sorry. I just... ah... I could give you some pointers. If you want.

Jim: That's a lot of flutes.

Kevin: So, how are the twig and giggleberries this morning?

Jim: Oh, very colorful, my dick looks like a paint by number.

Stifler: Jim, you're the only guy I know who's dick needs an instruction manual.

Heather: [On the phone to Oz] Oz what should I do now?

Stifler: [Also on the phone pretending to be Oz] Oh Heather baby. Why don't you tell me my dick is as big as Stifler's.

Oz: Stifler get off.

Stifler: I am getting off listening to the two of you. Keep going.

Stifler: [Stiffler and Jim have just kissed passionately, trying to get the girls to do each other] Dude, you're a fuckin' LOUSY kisser.

Jim: What? That's not fair! I wasn't TRYING there.

[to the girls]

Jim: I'm really bett...

Danielle: No judgment.

Jim: Wait a second, you were trying?

Stifler: Fuck, no!

Jim: You WERE trying!

Stifler: YOU were trying! Oh no I kissed Jim!

Trucker: Squeeze his ass son, you'll like it.

[Talking to Vicky while she's hanging clothes back up on the racks at work]

Jessica: If a guy tells you how many girls he's hooked up with, it's not even close to that. You take that number and divide it by three, then you get the real total. OK, so if Kevin is saying it's been three girls it's more like one or none.

Vicky: None?

Jessica: The rule of three. It's an exact science. Consistent as gravity.

[Nadia is sitting at a table drinking a Pepsi when Sherman comes over to start a conversation]

Sherman: [a few minutes into the conversation] I am the Sherminator, a sophisticated Sex Robot sent through time to change the future for one lucky lady.

Nadia: I am lucky lady?

Sherman: That's right, Nadia. You've been targeted for Shermination. Come with me if you want to live.

Nadia: Oh! Oh, no! Oh! Help! Ohhh! Fuck me, geek!

Sherman: Affirmative!

[Sherman and Nadia go upstairs to have sex]

StiflerJessica: No fuckin' way!

Jessica: [Thinking if she would actually be able to get with Stifler] Forget it.

Stifler: Like you have a chance!

[Both knock back a shot]

Stifler: Jim. Can't you keep your shirt on? You're scaring the chicks away.

Heather: [Interrupted during phone call] Hey, Marco, could you get your balls off me?

[talking about soccer balls]

Oz: Hey, what the heck's goin' on over there?

Heather: Oh, those are just my flat-mates.

Trumpet Kid: You suck, retard.

Jim: I'm not retarded, I'm a very special boy.

[Jim rams the kid in the face with his trombone]

Michelle: Holy Potatoes.

Jim: Nadia will be expecting filet mignon, okay, and all I'm going to be able to give her is rump roast.

Oz: What are you so worried about? You've had experience since Nadia.

Jim: Ah, yes. You would be referring to the flute fetish band geek, who made me her bitch, and ditched me after prom.

Jim's Dad: Keep it real homies.

Stifler: You're a disgrace to men everywhere. I mean, look at the Stifmeister. I got laid 23 times this year, and I'm not counting the hummer I got in the library stacks, baby.

Oz: Here's a new idea for you Stifler. You find a girl, you two become best friends and you don't bother counting how many times you have sex with each other you just laugh at the people who do count.

Stifler: Here's a new idea for you. I'll get you a spoon so you can eat my ass.

Stifler: There's little hearts on her panties. There's little hearts on her panties.

Michelle: Okay, pretend I'm a hot girl. Now what do you want to do?

Jim: I want to feel your boobs.

Michelle: No, you dingbat. You don't just go groping away. You gotta pre-heat the oven before you stick in the turkey.

[trying to return the dildo Stifler found]

Jim: Which room, man? Which room?

Stifler: I can't remember shit, man, I was too excited! I'm in a lesbian stronghold.

Stifler: Ladies, I am down with the funky shit.

[Noticing the women's natural attraction to Oz]

Jim: Amazing.

Stifler: Yes, the force is strong in that one.

Jim: This is my first time, since my first time.

[Stifler's brother shows off two girls he picked up]

Stifler: Brilliant. You found Lesbians.

[scoffs]

Stifler: Good luck trying to break through that force field.

Danielle: Lesbians?

Amber: We never said that.

Stifler: What?

Amber: We never said that.

Stifler: Oh... Oh, man. I will do anything... ANYTHING to sleep with you, chicks, okay? I'll grab every guy's ass in this room. I'll caress it even. I'll even shave some ass if they need it!

[sounds of revulsion from young men at party]

Stifler: Oh, yeah! You heard me! I will kiss everybody here! Dudes, chicks, everybody! Because I am comfortable with my sexuality!

[Jim's Dad sees Jim looking at pictures of Nadia]

Jim's Dad: Ah, yes. The one that got away.

Jim: Yeah.

Jim's Dad: Yeah. Well, evidently you two made quite the handsome couple on the Internet... Oh, I didn't see it. It, uh, was brought up at a P.T.A. meeting.

[the two "lesbians" are making the guys give each other hand jobs]

Stifler: Its okay. Its okay. I know what I have to do.

[starts undoing his shorts]

Stifler: I have to keep this party going. I'm taking one for the team.

[Finch and Jim run away]

Finch: I AM NOT TOUCHING THAT.

Jim: PUT THAT THING AWAY STIFLER.

Stifler: What's wrong with you guys? We almost had them. Why can't you guys be team players, huh? I was the one doing all the sacrificing.

Stifler: [answers the phone after awkward situation with Jim and Finch] Stiffler's palace of love... STRAIGHT love.

[Jim is kissing Michelle's collar bone]

Michelle: Good Jim. Ooh, you're making me wet.

Jim: Holy shit, really?

Michelle: No, I was just saying that so you could practice.

Jim: 'course.

Jim: This is good. This is good. Obviously.

Michelle: Oh! Gilligan's Island, Mr. Howell!

Jim: Eh, what?

Michelle: You've gotta control yourself and think of something non-sexual. I haven't even touched you yet and you're turning into the Sears Tower.

Stifler's brother: STEVE. Those are my lesbians.

Stifler: Where are the Fuckin' females?

Stifler: Oh God, I kissed Jim.

[over the radio]

Stifler's brother: Steve the copwatch thing is horse shit. Man this sucks.

Danielle: Who is it out there?

Stifler's brother: It's the Stifmeister baby.

Amber: Is that so?

Finch: [watering a plant] Ah! Mmm-Mmm. Ah! Ah-ah-ah! Ahhh! Ahhhhhh! That was it. Right there. That was a pure Tantric moment. The ficus. The water. It was all erotic. One more stimulant, I would have had full release.

Stifler: Finch, stay the fuck away from that ficus. That's a jiz-free ficus.

Michelle: This one time... um, here.

Jim: What are you doing here?

Stifler's Brother: Pussy man, I'm here for the pussy.

Jim: Take a number.

Jim: Do you know where I could find Michelle Flaherty?

Trumpet Kid: Guests bring food. Food attracts animals. This one time, a bear came. And then the bear had to be destroyed. Which means they shot it in the head with a rifle, and killed it, and it died.

Jim: Yeah, you must know Michelle.

Danielle: [Jim has Amber's dildo while under the bed] Johnny West is missing.

Stifler: Finch, fist yourself!

Male EMT: [when Stifler jumps onto the ambulance where Jim is being treated] Excuse me, sir, are you a family member?

Stifler: Fuck no, this is just too good to miss!

Male EMT: OK sir, you're just gonna have to wait here. All right?

Stifler: [ambulance drives away] Ha, ha! This summer's turned out to be great!

Finch: Go Fish

Kevin: Finch, we're playing gin!

Finch: Oh, well... gin

Stifler: How many girls did you sleep with this year?

Jessica: Wouldn't you like to know.

Stifler: Fuck yeah I would.

Stifler: Who the hell was that?

Oz: That was uh... that was...

Jim: Was someone was lost looking for the lake.

Kevin: Yeah

Oz: Yeah, turned around.

Stifler: What a dumbass, the lake's right there.

Mom: Come on honey, food's ready.

Dad: [listening to girls on walkie talkie] I'm not hungry!

John: Dude, am I gonna have a hangover? Because, I want one.

Jim: I kind of super-glued myself to... uh... myself.

Stifler: [regarding Oz] The force is strong with that one.

Jim's Dad: Don't forget your penis cream.

Jim's Dad: [6:53] My point is, these little sexual debacles should not get you down, because you know what? It happens to the best of us. In fact the first time your mother and I got together, I used a condom. Well she referred to is as "shrink wrapping". But, I got over it. Anyway, keep your chin up and keep plugging, and uh, good things will happen. Good to have you home, son.

Finch: [1:05:33] Jim, this happens to the best of us.

Jim's Mom: Honey, your speeches embarrass him; so, try and do with the kids' say and just "be cool." Huh?

Jim's Dad: I think I bring new meaning to the word "cool," honey.

Natalie: Don't you believe in locks?

Jim: You got laid in an art museum?

Finch: The Met. Oh, and the Guggenheim with Francesca.

Jim: The Guggenheim?

Finch: And then my Social Psyche professor in Baskin-Robbins.

Jim: Alright, enough Finch.

Finch: But, I'll tell you none of these women even compares to...

JimOzKevin: Stifler's mom!

Finch: Stifler's mom is a goddess.

Jessica: Well, this is about as comfortable as a high colonic in Tijuana. And I would know.

Justin: Hey, bro, hey man, you're the guy who boned Stifler's mom! Hey, you are a god.

John: Holy shit, dude. If I didn't have to hold my dick cause I got to piss so bad, I would shake your hand.

Finch: I'm honored guys.

John: But, don't leave. You must teach me. How? How!

Michelle: You didn't think I was weird because of the way I acted that night?

Jim: Weird, no. Surprising, yes.

Michelle: I get nasty when I'm horny.

Sherman: Fellas, nice pad. Good view, but the Sherminator sensors detect no female life forms in the vicinity. High likelihood of a sausage fest in progress.

Stifler: Now, just so there's no confusion, Santa Porn has brought us some hetrosexual entertainment.

Band Camp Girl: Jenny, where'd you put my clarinet?

Jenny, Band Camp Girl: Oh, I think I shoved it in your box.

Michelle: Your main problem is - is that you're so uptight. Do I seem uptight about my sexual stuff? No! The biggest point I could give you is you have to feel comfortable in any situation.

Michelle: Call me in two weeks. I'll be home then. We can finish lessons.

Jim: Alright.

Michelle: [leaves] Oh!

[returns for a kiss]

Michelle: Pointer: less tongue.

Jim's Dad: You know, Jim, eh, I think we should keep your mother in the dark about the little incident tonight. I think the whole glue thing might, eh, get her a little queasy.

Jim: I don't know how I get myself into these things.

Stifler's brother: Dude, where are the fuckin' females?

Jim: Ow! That's my nipples! She just loves my nipples.

Kevin: I guess I was livin' in the past, you know, wanting to party with you guys and be with Vicky. It's just like high school. Remember that day after prom? You know, we made a toast to the next step. I guess I never took it.

Kevin: My brother said that by the end of the summer I'd see the big picture and I see it. No matter what, times change and things are different. The problem is: I don't want them to be.

Finch: I got to find a new goddess. It's gonna take patience; but, I've been celibate all summer.

Jim: Hey, you kinda get used to it though, huh?

Finch: Are you insane?