Adam Sandler: [singing Christmas Song] Rock'em Sock'em Robots is what I was hopin' for, But then I made a death threat to vice president Gore, Oh Santa won't be knockin' on my door, 'Cause he's a big fat whore. What made me say that?
Adam Sandler: [singing Hanukkah song] So tell your friend Veronica, it's time to celebrate Hanukkah, I hope I get a harmonica, on this lovely, lovely Hanukkah, So drink your gin and tonica, but don't smoke marijuanica, If you really, really, wannaca, have a happy, happy, happy Hanukkah.
Kevin Nealon: Now someone told me you guzzled 32 beers in some beer guzzling contest. What happened after that?
Cajun Man: HallucinaSHON.
Kevin Nealon: Who did you see?
Cajun Man: SaTON.
Kevin Nealon: Anyone with him?
Cajun Man: Jim MorriSON.
Kevin Nealon: Wow. How'd you deal with that?
Cajun Man: DefficaSHON.
Herlihy Boy: Let me move in with you. Please. When you get back, don't make me leave. I'll push all my things into the corner. You won't even notice me. Please? Let me move in with you?
Father: [shouting] Can we stop this cruel game? And allow the boy to keep one shred of dignity? For God's sake! I can't stand to see him in all this pain! You vicious bastards! Let him move in with you! Is it so bad to see somebody happy? So just let him move in! For the love of god! Let the boy move in with you!
Kevin Nealon: Cajun Man, what's the matter?
Cajun Man: DepresSHON.
Kevin Nealon: Don't worry, Cajun Man, there's plenty of other women out there. You'll find someone.
Cajun Man: The Love ConnecSHON?
Kevin Nealon: Well thanks for coming, Cajun Man, you want to say hello to someone?
Cajun Man: John GoodMON.
Adam Sandler: [singing Christmas song] Ganib, ganob and Lego blocks are what I desire, So why'd I have to set the pizza guy's hair on fire? I told him I was sorry, I'm a liar.
Opera Man: Amy Fisher. Buddafuco. El narc-o, el shoot-o, In jail-o. No bail-o. Senora, you're a whor-a!
Opera Man: [on George Bush] Shh el doze-o. Shh, el doze-o. El inferno, violencia, armageddon! Shh, el doze-o. No disturbe presidante.
Opera Man: La Cheifa policia, no dispatcha gandam, morondo, no respondo, no excusa, bagga doucca!
Opera Man: [on Bill and Hillary Clinton] Hillary, la advisor, Hillary, la aggressiva, Hillary power trip-a, Presidente pusso-whipa.
Opera Man: [On Demi Moore] Demi Moore-o, me adore-a, For one million dollars in Redford Scor-o, Opera Man no Donald Trump-ah, How about thirty dollars for dry hump-ah?
Opera Man: [On Tom Hanks] Tom Hanks-o, nominat-o, second time-o, you're a-great-o. Next year, vacation, go to France-o, Give someone else a freakin' chance-o!
Opera Man: Mascara, Mascara, La Donne Mobile Home, La Donne Mobile Home, D-I-V-O-R-C-E!
Opera Man: Fergia, Fergia, Nippola, Nippola, Nippola, Nippola, Cantalopes, el petrudo, Opera Man grande stiffo, Bye Bye!
Canteen Boy's Nemesis: Hey Canteen Boy, I got a real scary ghost story. Once upon a time there was a moron, who always had a stupid canteen wrapped around his neck.
Canteen Boy: I think I've heard this tale before.
Canteen Boy's Nemesis: It was a dark and stormy night, and this moron went into the woods, and a huge bear came up and ripped his head off, just because he looked so stupid! The End!
Canteen Boy: Hoo, Hoo to you. He, Owl, if you're so wise, why don't you go to sleep, it's the middle of the night!