C.W.: I hate her just like I hate that German Chancellor with the moustache.

Chris: You know, there's a word for people who think everyone is conspiring against them.

C.W.: I know, perceptive.

C.W.: I found the Picasso. It wasn't easy. I was looking for a woman with a guitar and it was all cubes. It took me two hours to find her nose.

C.W.: The house is messy. If I knew you were coming I'd have had the maid rearrange the dirt.

C.W.: Are you divorced or widowed? Did your husband commit suicide? I could understand that.

Laura Kensington: I have a strawberry birthmark on my thigh. Want to see it?

C.W. Briggs: Sure, when can I take the full tour?

C.W.: Are you going to take your coat off? It hasn't rained in this apartment in 20 years.

C.W.: Hide in the bedroom.

Betty Ann: Can I sit down in there or will I catch something?

C.W.: Germs can't live in your blood - it's too cold.

C.W.: There's a deck of cards with naked women on it.

Laura Kensington: Let me guess, you use it to play solitaire.

C.W.: I used to date the six of spades.

C.W.: Did I really throw you out of bed?

Laura Kensington: Why? Are you planning on using the insanity defense?

C.W.: A lot of women have passed through this apartment. I can't say they were all winners, but...

C.W.: It's a match made in heaven... by a retarded angel.

C.W. Briggs: They say, I always get my man.

Laura Kensington: Me too.

C.W.: I can't stand her.

Betty Ann: Don't pay attention to him. He's a sleazy little megalomaniac who's afraid of women.

Laura Kensington: You have a fresh mouth. I don't think I like it.

C.W.: I tend to grow on people. We could meet later and I could grow on you.

C.W.: We'll have lunch. I know a great restaurant you'll love. Gestapo food.

Laura Kensington: I'll slip into something a little bit more comfortable. Wait for me in bed.

C.W.: More comfortable than that? What are you gonna put on, Jergens lotion?

Betty Ann: So what, you always get your kicks fondling women's shoes?

C.W. Briggs: Once in a while I'll fondle a whole woman...

Al: So did you tell her who's boss?

C.W.: Is she kidding, talking to me like that? It's 'cause she thinks she's smarter... you know, 'cause she graduated from Vassar and I went to driving school.

Jill: I'd love to, but you have to have me at home and in bed by midnight.

C.W.: That's exactly what I was planning.

Betty Ann: You misunderstand me. I dreamed you and I finally wound up together.

Chris: That's funny because I didn't hear any screaming.

Betty Ann: You're searching my desk!

C.W.: I wasn't searching I was rummaging.

Betty Ann: You wormy little ferret!

C.W.: Now you're mixing metaphors.

C.W.: I may be a scummy vermin but I'm an honest scummy vermin.

C.W.: You snore like a grizzly bear with a sinus condition.

C.W.: My clergyman - who happens to be wanted for pederasty - will vouch for me.

Chris: Many a man has gone to the gallows on circumstantial evidence.

Betty Ann: Who do you think I am, a peroxide little secretary with her brains in her sweater and whose ass you pinch?

Betty Ann: You hate any woman that doesn't have a double digit IQ.

C.W.: Never trust a woman who whistles for her own cab.

C.W.: Don't work too late. The bags under your eyes are getting bigger.

Al: [Watching Jill walk away] My God, that girl's got a body that won't quit!

C.W.: Quit? It won't take five minutes off for a coffee break.

C.W.: Let me have the cherry cheesecake and a prune danish and a couple of Hershey bars, oh and I should have something sweet. Let me have some chocolate covered raisins.

C.W.: This is a very smart burglar and you guys have trouble figuring out who did it when you get a confession.

C.W.: I didn't do it and i gotta have time to prove it, otherwise they're going to lock me up in a concrete building and you'll only be able to insult me on visiting day.

C.W.: So, should we... get out of here and find someplace where we can start making up for lost time?

Betty Ann: You don't have a kosher bone in your body.

C.W.: They all look the same upside down.

Jill: Gosh, all this passion in a lousy insurance office!

C.W.: You have a nicely shaped buttocks.

Betty Ann: Sorry I'm late.

Betty Ann: No problem. It's only an hour and 15 minutes.

C.W.: If you've got a cold, someone's got to rub your chest down with Vick's.

Jill: If anyone rubs my chest down they'd better bring a ring.

C.W.: The New York City Police want to give me a lifetime achievement award.

Betty Ann: Dont bother showing me to the door. Someone might think we're together.

C.W.: What, do I look like an organ grinder?

Betty Ann: No. Just an organ.