Kangaroo Jack (2003)

Kangaroo Jack : [singing from "Rapper's Delight"] /... see I am Jackie Legs and I like to say, "Hello" / To the black to the white...

Charlie Carbone : Jackie? Mr. Legs, if you could find your way clear to give me back my money?

Kangaroo Jack : Money? Oh, you mean that money!

[a pack of kangaroo are messing around with the money]

Charlie Carbone : Stop that. Stop that! Hey! Stop that, please! If Sal finds out...

Sal Maggio : [as a kangaroo] If I find out what, Charlie? That you lost my money?

Charlie Carbone : Sal?

Sal Maggio : I've asked you to do something for me. This is not that!

Charlie Carbone : [after kissing Jessie under the waterfall] Okay, I'll admit it. This is the most romantic moment of my entire life.

Louis Booker : [Runs over] AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

[Does a cannonball into the water]

Charlie Carbone : And now it's over.

[Sal watched his factory of stolen merchandise become raided by the NYPD on the news]

Sal Maggio : [disappointed] Louis Booker, you degenerate moron. Were these Medieval Times and you, a knight in shining armor, you would have, I have no doubt, slayed the maiden and saved the dragon.

[Waffles, Louis' puppy growls]

Louis Booker : Shh! Waffles!

Charlie Carbone : Sal, we can explain...

Sal Maggio : [cuts Charlie off] As for you, Charlie. After the tragic death of your father, I married your mother promising her I would raise you as my own. *You* chose not to take the Maggio name. I did not complain. And when you wanted to go to Beauty School, as boys who lose their fathers early in life often do, I did not snivel at interventions, did I?

Charlie Carbone : No, Salvatore, you didn't. In fact...

Sal Maggio : In fact, I happened to bought a beauty parlor so you could sit on you lazy butt all day long. $4.5 million you cost me. Were you anybody else, you be dead by now.

Charlie Carbone : Look, Sal, we know that your upset.

Sal Maggio : It's not your fault.

Charlie Carbone : What?

Sal Maggio : A lion can raise a mouse, but the mouse is still a mouse. And you, Charlie, are that mouse. Look at this. He takes it. Chicken blood.

Charlie Carbone : I just got my ass kicked by a marsupial.

Charlie Carbone : On that fateful day twenty years ago, Louis Booker saved my life and I never forgot it. He wouldn't let me.

Charlie Carbone : It's you.

Kangaroo Jack : Yeah, it's me. Love the jacket, Charlie. It's hard to get something that fits my shoulders. Nice! How did you know Red was my favorite color?

Charlie Carbone : [surprised] You can talk!

Kangaroo Jack : And I can sing.

[sings "Rapper's Delight"]

Charlie Carbone : This is great.

Louis Booker : The kangaroo got the money!

Charlie Carbone : What are you talking about?

Louis Booker : I put the money in the jacket, and the jacket on the kangaroo, and now he's hopping away!

[Louis keeps driving into termite mounds]

Charlie Carbone : Be careful, Louis! You almost missed one!

Frankie Lombardo : [Cocks gun; points it at Charlie] This is from Sal Maggio.

Charlie Carbone : Frankie! We got the money. We got it back!

[picks up the package]

Charlie Carbone : We got it!

Frankie Lombardo : You don't get it, do ya, Charlie? Sal not dissapointed because he cares about the money. He's disappointed because you two aren't dead! What do think he was paying Smith fifty grand for?

Louis Booker : You mean to tell me that traveled halfway across the world to pay for our own execution?

Frankie Lombardo : Yeah. You two were the bag men for your own hit. Pretty clever, eh?

Charlie Carbone : Not on our part.

Frankie Lombardo : Say, "Good Night."

Charlie Carbone : I never saw it. Such a beautiful animal. It's the national symbol of Australia. And I killed it.

Mr. Smith : Have you ever held a gun before, Charlie?

Louis Booker : Don't answer that!

Charlie Carbone : No...

Mr. Smith : Ever killed a man, Charlie?

Louis Booker : Don't answer that!

Charlie Carbone : No.

Mr. Smith : What do you do for a livin' that makes you so brave, Charlie?

Louis Booker : *Really* don't answer that!

Charlie Carbone : [cocks the gun] I'm a hairdresser!

Charlie Carbone : ...if Smith thinks we stole his money then by now Sal thinks we stole his money!

Louis Booker : Hey man, Sal's not gonna hurt us. He's married to your mother.

Charlie Carbone : [incredulously] If Sal Maggio thinks we stole his money, he'll kill us *in front* of my mother and then make *her* clean it up!

Charlie Carbone : I'm sorry for feeling your boobs I didn't think they were real.

Charlie Carbone : [sipping a rock he thinks is a slurpee] Brain freeze!

Jessie : What's going on?

Charlie Carbone : We're in a little bit of trouble.

Jessie : A little?

Mr. Smith : I've been following camel tracks all bloody morning, so lets make short work of this. Where's me moolah?

Jessie : For god sakes! All this over $4,000?

[Charlie chuckles nervously]

Jessie : It's more, isn't it? How much more?

Charlie Carbone : Forty-six thousand more.

Mr. Smith : And every cent of it is mine. Now there are only two ways we can do this, and one of them's a lot less painful than the other. Whare's the money?

Louis Booker : See, what happened was we put the money in the jacket and then the jacket on the...

Mr. Smith : Wrong answer! Your friend told us the yarn about the kangaroo. Mate, I've hope for your sake you were stupid enough to hide that money in them saddle bags.

Charlie Carbone : You gotta believe us!

Mr. Smith : [Sticks a knife at Charlie's throat] No, you gotta believe me. If it ain't there, I'm gonna carve you up piece by piece.

Louis Booker : Don't worry, Charlie. We'll get the money back, all right? He can't go far.

Charlie Carbone : It's a continent, Louis. He can go *very* far.

Louis Booker : I know it's a continent. I read the book.

Charlie Carbone : Did you happen to read the chapter on not putting your jacket on a wild animal?

Louis Booker : No, but I did read the chapter on how an aborigine can kill a white man with a twig. Do you want to see that one?

[trying to convince Charlie to find the kangaroo before Smith finds and kills then]

Louis Booker : Charlie! It's better than being cut up into little bitty pieces man!

Charlie Carbone : [looks back at Louis with an evil grin] Not if you go first and I get to watch!

[they are running away from the cops]

Louis Booker : They're scaring Waffles!

Charlie Carbone : Well, maybe you should have thought about that before taking your dog on a crime spree!

Charlie Carbone : I think I just sweated out a bottle of Yoo-hoo I drank in the eighth grade.

Charlie Carbone : I am Bolo Man.

Louis Booker : That's what I'm talkin' about.

Louis Booker : Sal won't kill you. He's married to your mother.

Charlie Carbone : If Sal Maggio thinks I stole his money, he'll kill me in front of my mother and then make her clean it up.

Charlie Carbone : Look at her. She thinks she's so much smarter than us.

Louis Booker : I'm pretty sure she is, Charlie.

Charlie Carbone : [Inappropriately touching Jessie's boobs] Louis, they feel so real.

[Charlie chuckles]

Louis Booker : Mm-hmm

[Charlie turns around; Jessie knocks him out with a canteen]

Charlie Carbone : My name is Carbone, which means skinny white boy with a gun

Jessie : So it's safe to assume your not on vacation.

Louis Booker : No. Charlie's stepfather is a mobster back in New York, and he had us sent out here to deliver a package.

Jessie : Oh! And you got me in the middle of this?

Charlie Carbone : I am so sorry, Jessie. I never thought this would happen.

Jessie : And you lied to me.

Blue : G'day. The name's Blue.

Charlie Carbone : Charlie.

Blue : Heh heh. Nice to meet ya, Chezzar.

Charlie Carbone : Charlie.

Blue : That's what I said: Chezzar.

Charlie Carbone : Uh-oh. Dingos.

Charlie Carbone : Hey that one kinda looks like Waffles.

Louis Booker : Yeah if Waffles had a crazed look in her eyes and her face caked in blood.

Charlie Carbone : Doesn't get any better than this, Louis. Blue skies. Fresh air. And who even now camels were in Australia? These are noble beasts, my friend. Proud, majestic...

[camel farts loudly]

Charlie Carbone : Oh, come on. Ohh! Ohh!

Jessie : Get used to it boys, camels do that.

Charlie Carbone : Louis, what are you eating?

Louis Booker : I picked a bunch of berries when we were at camp, man. Jessie said they were cool. They smell like a bowl of Fruity Pebbles right before you add the milk. Go on. Take a whiff.

Charlie Carbone : No, thank you.

Louis Booker : Okay.

[camel farts again]

Charlie Carbone : Give me some of those berries. Quick.

[Louis farts]

Charlie Carbone : What is with these camels?

Louis Booker : That one was me.

Charlie Carbone : [in an airplane] Hey Louis, how much time do we got left?

Louis Booker : 14 hours.

Charlie Carbone : When is the food coming? I'm starving.

Louis Booker : Don't even worry about that. I got you covered.

[brings out pieces of berries from his pocket]

Louis Booker : Bam!

Charlie Carbone : Are you like, 4 years old?

Louis Booker : What? If you're not hungry, I can always put these back in my pocket.

Charlie Carbone : Wait, wait, wait, I think I'll have this one.

Louis Booker : Ah, good choice.

[Charlie puts a berry in his mouth, but takes it out due to its spice]

Charlie Carbone : What is that? And why is my mouth on fire?

Louis Booker : That's the new super-atomic jock buster. Extra hot.

Charlie Carbone : Are you trying to kill me?

Louis Booker : [taste tests the berry, then takes it back out of his mouth] There ain't something wrong with this! Stop acting like a baby!

[first lines]

Charlie Carbone : Australia... "The Land Down Under. " Rugged... remote... inhospitable and dangerous. Home to 20 million kangaroos. But there is one who is more elusive and clever than all the rest. And his name is Kangaroo Jack.

Frankie Lombardo : [shoves Jessie down to the ground and cocks his gun] This is from Sal Maggio.

Charlie Carbone : Frankie, we got the money back. We got it *back*!

[picks up the envelope]

Charlie Carbone : We *got* it!

Frankie Lombardo : You don't get it, do you, Charlie?

[Charlie frowns]

Frankie Lombardo : Sal's not disappointed 'cause he cares about the money. He's disappointed 'cause you two aren't dead!

[Charlie and Louis stare at each other]

Frankie Lombardo : What do you think he was paying Smith fifty grand for?

[Jessie stands up]

Louis Booker : You mean, we traveled halfway across the world to pay for our own execution?

Frankie Lombardo : Yeah. You guys were the bag men for your own hit. Pretty clever, huh?