Black Books (2000–2004)

Dylan Moran: Bernard Black

Photos 

Quotes 

• Bernard : [selling a book]  Enjoy. It's dreadful, but it's quite short.

• Fran : It'll be great seeing them all again, it'll be like being back at school!

  Bernard : You hated being at school, you had a terrible time.

  Fran : I never told you about that.

  Bernard : You didn't have to, I just look at your life now and work backwards!

• Bernard : Whores will have their trinkets.

• Bernard : [hangover]  No Doctors! Doctors are Satanists! That's why they write Ambulance backwards.

• Bernard : [grabs a book at random]  This one's good, you'll laugh, you'll cry, it'll change your life!

• Bernard : Natural Selection favours the loud and aggressive, no offense, but genetically you are a cul-de-sac.

• Bernard : Don't you DARE use the word "Party" as a verb in my shop!

• Bernard : I can feel pieces of my brain falling away like a wet cake.

• Bernard : She remembers, and I'm not allowed to.

• Bernard : The little man in my hair is getting very annoyed.

• Fran : In Tibet you know what they do when they want something? They give something away!

  Bernard : Really? That must be why they're such a Dominant Global Power...

• Bernard : And what am I supposed to do while you're doing the Underpants Charleston with this insane, blind tart?

• Fran : Buy this!

  Bernard : What is it?

  Fran : It's a thing.

• Bernard : It's not working out.

  Manny : But I'm good with the customers, I sold lots of books!

  Bernard : It's not that kind of operation...

• Manny : What's the "L" for?

  Bernard : Ludwig, you know, like Beethoven.

  Manny : Ludwig? Why would your parents...

  Bernard : [Bernard gives him a stern look] 

• Bernard : Lies! Subterfuge! Seething Corruption!

• Bernard : Every Day is another Betrayal.

• Bernard : This isn't Waterstones!

  Manny : I wish I'd never been born.

• Bernard : I only want French spoken in my Kitchen! An n' est pas anything else!

  [fires crossbow bolt at an Ambience] 

  Bernard : Putin!

• Fran : I miss my shop.

  Bernard : You hated your shop.

  Fran : Yes, but hating it took up a big part of my life. I'm disconnected now, I keep buying little things to cheer myself up.

• Bernard : They keep coming! THEY'RE LIKE A NEST OF PIGS!

• Bernard : Why would I want to do that, when I can do this?

  [moshing] 

• Bernard : I have spoken!

• Bernard : He doesn't know the alphabet! He can't read

  [raises Manny's hair for emphasis] 

  Bernard : at all!

• Bernard : Oh, no! More hobbledehoy!

• Bernard : [Hungover]  Who are you? Have I joined a Cult?

• Bernard : I'm cold! I've got Tinnitus, Chilblains and Thrush!

• Bernard : This is a bookshop, Manny. What's wrong with that?

• Bernard : I love my thumbs.

• Bernard : You nearly hurt me in the shoulder, there!

• Bernard : Back to Reality!

• Bernard : I've discovered Television!