Larry David: Larry David

Curb Your Enthusiasm

Larry David

Cheryl: [Larry discusses becoming a restaurant host] I thought you didn't like talking to people.
Larry David: I don't like talking to... to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.

[Cheryl is reading a draft of her renewed wedding vows to Larry]
Cheryl: "We'll love each other throughout this lifetime, but after death through all eternity."
Larry: You mean this is... this is continuing into the afterlife?
Cheryl: Yeah, that's the idea. Do you have a problem with that?
Larry: Well, I... I thought this was over at death. I didn't know we went into eternity together. Isn't that what it said in... "'til death do us part, " I thought it was...
Cheryl: Do you have a problem with eternity?
Larry: Well...
Cheryl: We finally found each other, Larry, and we're celebrating this for all eternity.
Larry: I guess I had a different plan for eternity. I thought... I thought I'd be single again.

[Larry just found out the show tempo is a lot faster than the rehearsal tempo]
Larry David: Bullshit, that's not the tempo. Get out of here.
Blind Man: I think it is.
Larry David: What?
Blind Man: Pretty much.
Larry David: Well, I don't know any human could dance to that tempo. You'd have to be "Flash" to dance like that.
Blind Man: Who?
Larry David: Oh, forget it. It's a comic book character wearing the red costume. The guy in the red costume!
Blind Man: I don't even know what red is.
Larry David: Hm. It's hard to talk to a blind guy, you have no references.

Donald: You know what you are? You're a self-loathing Jew.
Larry David: Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

Richard: You'd better call me later on, alright? By sundown.
Larry: "By sundown"? What are you... what are you, Gary Cooper? "By sundown"? What's gonna happen?
Richard: That's funny. You know, I'm tryin' not to laugh, but that's funny.
Larry: Yeah, okay.
Richard: You better call me by sundown.
Larry: "By sundown"? Is the posse gonna come get me?

[Larry has a flat tire in the city, and doesn't know how to fix it]
Larry David: [to various passerby] You know anything about changing a tire? Wanna help me change a tire here? No? I could use a little help. I need a little assistance. I never took a shop class, and I need a little help. Okay, I'm just coming flat out and saying 'help me'. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire? 25, 30 dollars. 30 dollars to change this tire. 35 dollars to change this tire right now.
[People are ignoring him]
Larry David: I'll give you 10 dollars for a verbal response. 10 dollars. Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No?

Restaraunt Chef: [Larry hires a chef who has Tourette's Syndrome] Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch!
[the restaurant suddenly turns silent]
Larry David: [Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer] Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that.
Larry David: [Aloud] Scum-sucking motherfucking whore!
Jeff Greene: Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!
Michael York: Bum! Fuck, turd, fart... cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!
Restaurant Manager: Dammit... hell... crap... ssssssshit!
Cheryl: Ya goddamn motherfuckin' bitch!
Susie Greene: [Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her] Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT!
Cheryl's Dad: Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob.
Richard Lewis: Pussy pig fucker!
Jeff Greene's Dad: Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
[Everyone in the restaurant is now laughing hysterically]

Jeff Greene: All of the women at HBO, they don't want to work with you.
Larry David: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.
Jeff Greene: They think you're a misogynist.
Larry David: Why, 'cause I called the guy a cunt? So what!
Jeff Greene: 'Cause you called the guy a cunt.
Larry David: Big deal, I call men pricks all the time, men want to work with me.
Jeff Greene: Well, cunt's worse.
Larry David: Cunt's not worse. Pricks and cunts, they're equal. Pricks, cunts, come on. They balance out.
Jeff Greene: No, cunt is worse. Cunt's much heavier.
Larry David: Why? Why is cunt heavier?
Jeff Greene: I never questioned, it just is.
Larry David: That's sexist to me! Come on.

Susie Greene: [shows Larry a gawdy, sequined shirt she has made] Now, is this cute? I mean how much fun is this? Huh? Great, right?
Larry: You know, it's nice.
Susie Greene: Yeah.
Larry: Not quite my cup of tea, but... y'know, uh, it's nice.
Susie Greene: All right, you know what? Fuck you... and fuck your tea.

[Getting out of jury duty]
Larry: Uh... well, your honor, I believe it would be hard to remain impartial seeing as the defendant is a negro.

[Larry notices a picture on his rabbi's desk]
Larry: Is that you?
Rabbi: That's... that's Eddie Solomon. My brother-in-law. He, ummm... he died on September 11th.
Larry: Oh my gosh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Rabbi: Yeah. Terrible.
Larry: He was in the building?
Rabbi: No, no. He, he was... uptown on 57th Street. He got hit by a bike messenger.
Larry: Uptown?
Rabbi: Yeah, yeah. Bike messenger. Hit 'em.
Larry: [Long pause] What a shame.

Richard: How could you not help a blind man?
Larry: How could you say "blind man" in front of a blind man?
Blind Man: Oh pleeeeeeease, don't...
Larry: You called him a blind man right in front of him.
Richard: No, I didn't, I didn't mean that in a bad way, no, I got...
Blind Man: Oh no, no, no no...
Richard: I meant sightless. I didn't mean... I mean I respect the blind as much as anybody, I...
Blind Man: Oh, of course, it's not a problem, believe me.
Richard: No, I didn't mean that in a, in a derogatory sense. I got my own problems, really...
Blind Man: No no!
Richard: ...and I'm a recovering alcoholic, I have, I have intimacy problems, so...
Blind Man: Oh really?
Larry: Poor guy. Terrible intimacy problems.
Blind Man: Ohhhhhh.
Richard: I do have problems! I had...
Larry: Can't get close to a woman, it's a terrible thing!
Richard: It happens to be true! I'm just sayin' we're all in the same...
Blind Man: Yeah, right.
Larry: We're all the same. He can't see, and you have intimacy problems. You guys have a lot in common, don't ya?