Jeff Garlin credited as playing...
Jeff Greene
- Larry: He insulted me. He implied that I was lying about my stepfather!
- Jeff Greene: You don't have a stepfather.
- Larry: I know, but I didn't like the implication!
- Restaraunt Chef: [Larry hires a chef who has Tourette's Syndrome] Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch!
- [the restaurant suddenly turns silent]
- Larry David: [Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer] Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that.
- Larry David: [Aloud] Scum-sucking motherfucking whore!
- Jeff Greene: Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!
- Michael York: Bum! Fuck, turd, fart... cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!
- Restaurant Manager: Dammit... hell... crap... ssssssshit!
- Cheryl: Ya goddamn motherfuckin' bitch!
- Susie Greene: [Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her] Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT!
- Cheryl's Dad: Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob.
- Richard Lewis: Pussy pig fucker!
- Jeff Greene's Dad: Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
- [Everyone in the restaurant is now laughing hysterically]
- Jeff Greene: All of the women at HBO, they don't want to work with you.
- Larry David: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.
- Jeff Greene: They think you're a misogynist.
- Larry David: Why, 'cause I called the guy a cunt? So what!
- Jeff Greene: 'Cause you called the guy a cunt.
- Larry David: Big deal, I call men pricks all the time, men want to work with me.
- Jeff Greene: Well, cunt's worse.
- Larry David: Cunt's not worse. Pricks and cunts, they're equal. Pricks, cunts, come on. They balance out.
- Jeff Greene: No, cunt is worse. Cunt's much heavier.
- Larry David: Why? Why is cunt heavier?
- Jeff Greene: I never questioned, it just is.
- Larry David: That's sexist to me! Come on.
- Larry David: I pee sitting down.
- Jeff Greene: You pee sitting down?
- Larry David: Yeah! Have you ever tried it?
- Jeff Greene: No!
- Larry David: It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn on the light and wake up, and you get to read.
- Jeff Greene: What are you reading?
- Larry David: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
- Jeff Greene: What stuff?
- Larry David: If I peed twenty times during a day I can get through a whole New York Times for god's sake!
- Jeff Greene: Twenty times?
- Larry David: Yeah! Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learnin' somethin'!
- Jeff Greene: What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learnin' somethin'?
- Nurse: I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr. Lewis for his kidney transplant.
- Jeff Greene: Goodnight, nurse...
- Nurse: Goodnight.
- Jeff Greene: It's just a saying.
- Nurse: I never heard of it.
- Jeff Greene: It's an old one.
- Nurse: That's nice.
- Jeff Greene: It is.
- Nurse: I know it is.
- Jeff Greene: Do you?
- Nurse: Do *you*?
- Jeff Greene: I do.
- Nurse: Good for you.
- Jeff Greene: It is good for me.
- Nurse: Oh, you think so?
- Jeff Greene: I know so.
- Nurse: I'm glad.
- Jeff Greene: So am I.
- Nurse: That makes two of us.
- Jeff Greene: So you say.
- Nurse: So I did.
- Jeff Greene: [Jeff is carting around Suzie's dog, a German Shepard] Boy, you seem to really like Oscar.
- Larry David: It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something German, it just doesn't happen that often.
- Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] You know what a woman would do if I ever asked her to lift up her top?
- Jeff Greene: Why do you have to analyze this? Can't we just watch this?
- Larry David: She would spit on me! If I ever asked a woman to lift up her top, she would kick me in the balls and spit on me!
- Jeff Greene: We've waited a long time to see this and all you're doing is yakking. Be quiet, come on!
- Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] What do you mean you're not going to pause it?
- Jeff Greene: I'm not a pauser, I don't like pausing.
- Larry David: Well, that's rude, I'll miss it.
- Jeff Greene: I'll rewind it when you come back.
- Larry David: Yeah, but I can see when you rewind and it'll give it away!
- Jeff Greene: There's no story! Give what away? There's bosoms! That's it!