Curb Your Enthusiasm (2000–2024)
Richard Lewis: Richard Lewis
Photos
Quotes
-
Restaraunt Chef : [Larry hires a chef who has Tourette's Syndrome] Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch!
[the restaurant suddenly turns silent]
Larry David : [Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer] Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that.
Larry David : [Aloud] Scum-sucking motherfucking whore!
Jeff Greene : Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!
Michael York : Bum! Fuck, turd, fart... cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!
Restaurant Manager : Dammit... hell... crap... ssssssshit!
Cheryl : Ya goddamn motherfuckin' bitch!
Susie Greene : [Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her] Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT!
Cheryl's Dad : Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob.
Richard Lewis : Pussy pig fucker!
Jeff Greene's Dad : Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
[Everyone in the restaurant is now laughing hysterically]
-
Richard Lewis : Can't we have lunch or something and discuss this?
Larry : I can't.
Richard Lewis : Why not?
Larry : I've been auctioned off for some charity.
Richard Lewis : What is this, "Roots"?
-
Larry David : Every time I go to the bathroom I have to have this stop-and-chat with her both before I go and after I go. You know, it's too much.
Richard Lewis : She means well. By the way, she told me that you go to the bathroom like ten to fourteen times a day. You move your bowels, you piss... Are you alright? She was concerned.
Larry David : Alright, you see what I'm saying? This is what I'm talking about. This is none of her business! How often I go to the bathroom, what I'm doing in there, how long I'm in there, talking to you about my personal bathroom habits! That's not good, alright? It's too much! It's too much.
Richard Lewis : But someone's gonna sit there. What, would you rather have a klansman sitting there?
Larry David : No, I would rather have a stranger, frankly! A stranger sitting there who I don't have to report in to.
Richard Lewis : She cares about you.
Larry David : Oh, she cares about me?
Richard Lewis : Yeah.
Larry David : Listen, it's none of her business...
Richard Lewis : She has bowel concern for you and I do too!
Larry David : I don't need her bowel concern! I drink a lot of water, that's all. I drink a lot of water. Big deal.
Richard Lewis : A lot of water? You drink more than a porpoise. No one pisses that often without drinking like thousands of gallons a week.
Larry David : Alright, let's stop talking about this. My bathroom habits are not your concern, okay?
Richard Lewis : Alright then I won't care about your health. Fine.
Larry David : You don't need to care about- I'm in very good health! I got a beautiful colon! You wanna take a picture of my colon?
Richard Lewis : I have a VHS of mine!
Larry David : Fine, fine, you can put my colon up next to your colon! We'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon!
Richard Lewis : I'll have a colon contest with you any time you want!
Larry David : Any time you wanna have a colon contest, buddy!
Richard Lewis : You're shitting and pissing almost seventy times a week!
Larry David : Get the hell out of here! This is ridiculous!
Richard Lewis : She's right next to you, she's...
Larry David : I DON'T WANT HER MONITORING MY BATHROOM HABITS, OKAY?
Richard Lewis : I mean, what are you eating? A lot of grains and fruits and nuts? You're like a Jew squirrel.
-
Richard Lewis : [after Larry asks for his meditating style back] No, you can't be an East Indian giver.
-
Richard Lewis : Ya fucked it up! You don't know how to use a goddamn cell phone!
Larry : It was a shit cell phone!
Richard Lewis : A fucking praying mantis could use that goddamn phone!
-
Richard Lewis : I'm a lucky man. I'm a lucky man to have the two of you guys come through for me. Thank you.
Larry David : So, there you go, you got your choice. Two kidneys. Of course, you know I, uh, I am considerably older than him. I'm not gonna, I don't wanna get into that whole game but, you know, he's, there's a difference when you're younger obviously.
Richard Lewis : Eh, a kidney is a kidney is a kidney.
Larry David : Ah ha ha, I'm not so sure about that, though. You know, whatever. His are bigger, too. It's a big hefty kidney, could just handle a big load I think, you know. You could start drinking again if you wanted to with that thing!
Richard Lewis : That, uh, that hurt my feelings a little bit. 11 years sober? Thank you.
