Larry David: Pretty good. Pret-ty pret-ty pret-ty good.
Man: Are you Jewish?
Larry David: You want to check my penis?
Restaraunt Chef: [Larry hires a chef who has Tourette's Syndrome] Fuckhead shitface cocksucker asshole son of a bitch!
[the restaurant suddenly turns silent]
Larry David: [Remembering seeing some high school students support a kid with cancer] Maybe one day I'll get a chance to do something good for somebody like that.
Larry David: [Aloud] Scum-sucking motherfucking whore!
Jeff Greene: Cock! Cock! Jism! Grandma! Cock!
Michael York: Bum! Fuck, turd, fart... cunt, piss, shit, bugger and balls!
Restaurant Manager: Dammit... hell... crap... ssssssshit!
Cheryl: Ya goddamn motherfuckin' bitch!
Susie Greene: [Thinking Cheryl is yelling at her] Fuck you, you car wash cunt! I HAD A DENTAL APPOINTMENT!
Cheryl's Dad: Fellatio, cunnilingus, french kissing! Rimjob.
Richard Lewis: Pussy pig fucker!
Jeff Greene's Dad: Boy cock, girl cock, E-I-E-I-O!
[Everyone in the restaurant is now laughing hysterically]
Susie Greene: You four-eyed fuck.
[Cheryl is reading a draft of her renewed wedding vows to Larry]
Cheryl: "We'll love each other throughout this lifetime, but after death through all eternity."
Larry: You mean this is... this is continuing into the afterlife?
Cheryl: Yeah, that's the idea. Do you have a problem with that?
Larry: Well, I... I thought this was over at death. I didn't know we went into eternity together. Isn't that what it said in... "'til death do us part, " I thought it was...
Cheryl: Do you have a problem with eternity?
Cheryl: We finally found each other, Larry, and we're celebrating this for all eternity.
Larry: I guess I had a different plan for eternity. I thought... I thought I'd be single again.
[Larry just found out the show tempo is a lot faster than the rehearsal tempo]
Larry David: Bullshit, that's not the tempo. Get out of here.
Blind Man: I think it is.
Larry David: What?
Blind Man: Pretty much.
Larry David: Well, I don't know any human could dance to that tempo. You'd have to be "Flash" to dance like that.
Blind Man: Who?
Larry David: Oh, forget it. It's a comic book character wearing the red costume. The guy in the red costume!
Blind Man: I don't even know what red is.
Larry David: Hm. It's hard to talk to a blind guy, you have no references.
[Larry has a flat tire in the city, and doesn't know how to fix it]
Larry David: [to various passerby] You know anything about changing a tire? Wanna help me change a tire here? No? I could use a little help. I need a little assistance. I never took a shop class, and I need a little help. Okay, I'm just coming flat out and saying 'help me'. Anybody want to help a semi-retarded individual change a tire? 25, 30 dollars. 30 dollars to change this tire. 35 dollars to change this tire right now.
[People are ignoring him]
Larry David: I'll give you 10 dollars for a verbal response. 10 dollars. Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No?
Richard: You'd better call me later on, alright? By sundown.
Larry: "By sundown"? What are you... what are you, Gary Cooper? "By sundown"? What's gonna happen?
Richard: That's funny. You know, I'm tryin' not to laugh, but that's funny.
Larry: Yeah, okay.
Richard: You better call me by sundown.
Larry: "By sundown"? Is the posse gonna come get me?
Donald: You know what you are? You're a self-loathing Jew.
Larry David: Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.
Susie Greene: [shows Larry a gawdy, sequined shirt she has made] Now, is this cute? I mean how much fun is this? Huh? Great, right?
Larry: You know, it's nice.
Susie Greene: Yeah.
Larry: Not quite my cup of tea, but... y'know, uh, it's nice.
Susie Greene: All right, you know what? Fuck you... and fuck your tea.
[Larry notices a picture on his rabbi's desk]
Larry: Is that you?
Rabbi: That's... that's Eddie Solomon. My brother-in-law. He, ummm... he died on September 11th.
Larry: Oh my gosh. Oh, I'm so sorry.
Rabbi: Yeah. Terrible.
Larry: He was in the building?
Rabbi: No, no. He, he was... uptown on 57th Street. He got hit by a bike messenger.
Rabbi: Yeah, yeah. Bike messenger. Hit 'em.
Larry: [Long pause] What a shame.
Jeff Greene: All of the women at HBO, they don't want to work with you.
Larry David: Oh, come on. That's ridiculous.
Jeff Greene: They think you're a misogynist.
Larry David: Why, 'cause I called the guy a cunt? So what!
Jeff Greene: 'Cause you called the guy a cunt.
Larry David: Big deal, I call men pricks all the time, men want to work with me.
Jeff Greene: Well, cunt's worse.
Larry David: Cunt's not worse. Pricks and cunts, they're equal. Pricks, cunts, come on. They balance out.
Jeff Greene: No, cunt is worse. Cunt's much heavier.
Larry David: Why? Why is cunt heavier?
Jeff Greene: I never questioned, it just is.
Larry David: That's sexist to me! Come on.
Richard: How could you not help a blind man?
Larry: How could you say "blind man" in front of a blind man?
Blind Man: Oh pleeeeeeease, don't...
Larry: You called him a blind man right in front of him.
Richard: No, I didn't, I didn't mean that in a bad way, no, I got...
Blind Man: Oh no, no, no no...
Richard: I meant sightless. I didn't mean... I mean I respect the blind as much as anybody, I...
Blind Man: Oh, of course, it's not a problem, believe me.
Richard: No, I didn't mean that in a, in a derogatory sense. I got my own problems, really...
Blind Man: No no!
Richard: ...and I'm a recovering alcoholic, I have, I have intimacy problems, so...
Blind Man: Oh really?
Larry: Poor guy. Terrible intimacy problems.
Blind Man: Ohhhhhh.
Richard: I do have problems! I had...
Larry: Can't get close to a woman, it's a terrible thing!
Richard: It happens to be true! I'm just sayin' we're all in the same...
Blind Man: Yeah, right.
Larry: We're all the same. He can't see, and you have intimacy problems. You guys have a lot in common, don't ya?
[during a fight with his business partner named Hugh]
Larry David: Fuck Hugh. Fuck Huuuuugh.
Cheryl: Okay, you know what? I think my friend Julie was just saying that the Beverly Park Country Club might be taking new members.
Susie Greene: Ah, eh...
Larry: It's... pretty.
Cheryl: I think they're taking new members, and it's a beautiful country club...
Susie Greene: All right, look, I don't want to offend you, but there's like three fuckin' Jews in the whole club, okay? It's not for us. It's WASP, WASP, Republican city...
Cheryl: Okay, you know what? I fit in with you guys all the time, for years I've been going to your thing, so...
Larry: How am I even gonna get by in the interview?
Susie Greene: [points at Larry] This one would stick out like a sore fuckin' thumb, this Jewface over here.
Larry: Oh, I'm more of a Jewface than *you*?
Susie Greene: Hey, fuck you, Larry, okay? I didn't get us into this predicament!
Larry: I'm much more gentiley than you are!
[Larry has realized he made a bad joke about Wanda's butt]
Larry David: Okay, Wanda...
Wanda: Oh, you know who I am, okay. I thought I would have to turn around and show you my big ass.
Larry David: Okay, you completely misinterpreted that...
Wanda: How am I supposed to interpret it? You shouted out 'Hey, Big Ass Wanda'.
Larry David: I didn't say big ass, I was just saying hello.
Wanda: Is that how you say hello?
Larry David: Uh, well...
Wanda: 'Hey, big ass' or 'Hey assy' or 'Hey, I know your ass'. What is that? That's not how you say hello.
Larry David: Perhaps not.
Wanda: Why'd you fire the black man?
Larry: I fired the black man... because... he's the guy who set up the whole system here and it doesn't work! And he's here like... every week, I'm givin' him checks, we've got five remotes, I can't turn it on... but I know, you know, *black* man can *never* do anything *wrong*, at least to get fired from a job! Black people *always* do everything right!
Wanda: [Walks over to TV, pushes button, fixes it] You gotta turn the damn satellite on for the TV to work! See the little green light? Just gotta turn it on! Or you can fire the black man. Whatever works for you.
[after leaving a terrible dinner party]
Larry: What's the level of anger here? What am I dealing with?
Cheryl: Well, I'd have to say at least an 8.7.
Larry: 8.7? That's not that bad. I thought it would be at least a 9.
Cheryl: It was a 9. Then you broke that lamp, and the crazy woman screamed at you, and it got you some pity points.
Larry: Pity points. That's fabulous, I love pity points. But how can I get to a 7? I know a 6 is out of the question, but is there any way I can get to a 7?
[Larry is following directions that told him to make a turn when he saw a barn]
Larry: Was that a barn? Was that a barn? I think it was too small to be a barn, it looked more like a stable. There was a cow there, does that mean... what? That it could have been a barn? There's no cows in barns. There's cows on a farm. Are there always barns on farms? There are stables in farms, right, but not necessarily barns? I don't think that was the barn.
Larry: I think we made the wrong turn.
[Getting out of jury duty]
Larry: Uh... well, your honor, I believe it would be hard to remain impartial seeing as the defendant is a negro.
Leon: Get in that ass, Larry!
Larry David: [to president of ABC] Here's a question for "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"- what kind of an idiot is running ABC?
Larry: Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.
Larry David: I pee sitting down.
Jeff Greene: You pee sitting down?
Larry David: Yeah! Have you ever tried it?
Jeff Greene: No!
Larry David: It's more comfortable. When you get up during the night you don't have to turn on the light and wake up, and you get to read.
Jeff Greene: What are you reading?
Larry David: I'm reading a lot of stuff.
Jeff Greene: What stuff?
Larry David: If I peed twenty times during a day I can get through a whole New York Times for god's sake!
Jeff Greene: Twenty times?
Larry David: Yeah! Hey buddy, when you're peeing all over your shoe, I'm learnin' somethin'!
Jeff Greene: What makes you think I'm peeing all over my shoe while you're learnin' somethin'?
Larry David: Every time I go to the bathroom I have to have this stop-and-chat with her both before I go and after I go. You know, it's too much.
Richard Lewis: She means well. By the way, she told me that you go to the bathroom like ten to fourteen times a day. You move your bowels, you piss... Are you alright? She was concerned.
Larry David: Alright, you see what I'm saying? This is what I'm talking about. This is none of her business! How often I go to the bathroom, what I'm doing in there, how long I'm in there, talking to you about my personal bathroom habits! That's not good, alright? It's too much! It's too much.
Richard Lewis: But someone's gonna sit there. What, would you rather have a klansman sitting there?
Larry David: No, I would rather have a stranger, frankly! A stranger sitting there who I don't have to report in to.
Richard Lewis: She cares about you.
Larry David: Oh, she cares about me?
Richard Lewis: Yeah.
Larry David: Listen, it's none of her business...
Richard Lewis: She has bowel concern for you and I do too!
Larry David: I don't need her bowel concern! I drink a lot of water, that's all. I drink a lot of water. Big deal.
Richard Lewis: A lot of water? You drink more than a porpoise. No one pisses that often without drinking like thousands of gallons a week.
Larry David: Alright, let's stop talking about this. My bathroom habits are not your concern, okay?
Richard Lewis: Alright then I won't care about your health. Fine.
Larry David: You don't need to care about- I'm in very good health! I got a beautiful colon! You wanna take a picture of my colon?
Richard Lewis: I have a VHS of mine!
Larry David: Fine, fine, you can put my colon up next to your colon! We'll see who has a cleaner, healthier colon!
Richard Lewis: I'll have a colon contest with you any time you want!
Larry David: Any time you wanna have a colon contest, buddy!
Richard Lewis: You're shitting and pissing almost seventy times a week!
Larry David: Get the hell out of here! This is ridiculous!
Richard Lewis: She's right next to you, she's...
Larry David: I DON'T WANT HER MONITORING MY BATHROOM HABITS, OKAY?
Richard Lewis: I mean, what are you eating? A lot of grains and fruits and nuts? You're like a Jew squirrel.
Jeff Greene: [referring to Larry] He's a victim of circumstance.
Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] You know what a woman would do if I ever asked her to lift up her top?
Jeff Greene: Why do you have to analyze this? Can't we just watch this?
Larry David: She would spit on me! If I ever asked a woman to lift up her top, she would kick me in the balls and spit on me!
Jeff Greene: We've waited a long time to see this and all you're doing is yakking. Be quiet, come on!
Larry: [Larry's house has been spray painted by trick-or-treaters he has offended and he's reporting it to cops] They don't deserve candy and I don't deserve this: "Bald Asshole"? That's a hate crime!
Larry: [Larry is on the phone ordering a "Girls Gone Wild" tape, using a ridiculous Art Fern type voice] Yes, I was, uh... I was thinking about ordering the tape, the videotape... about the college girls and the... the wild... the wildness. They're going wild or something? Somebody told me... about going wild.
Larry David: Hey, let me ask you something.
Nurse: I have good news, gentlemen. Both of your blood types are compatible with Mr. Lewis for his kidney transplant.
Jeff Greene: Goodnight, nurse...
Jeff Greene: It's just a saying.
Nurse: I never heard of it.
Jeff Greene: It's an old one.
Nurse: That's nice.
Jeff Greene: It is.
Nurse: I know it is.
Jeff Greene: Do you?
Nurse: Do *you*?
Jeff Greene: I do.
Nurse: Good for you.
Jeff Greene: It is good for me.
Nurse: Oh, you think so?
Jeff Greene: I know so.
Nurse: I'm glad.
Jeff Greene: So am I.
Nurse: That makes two of us.
Jeff Greene: So you say.
Nurse: So I did.
Cheryl: Why would you do that?
[Larry is on a bad trip, looking in a bathroom mirror]
Larry's reflection: What are you looking at? You see something? Huh?
Larry: Wh- What did I do?
Larry's reflection: What did you do? You know what you did! You did nothing!
Larry: If you want me to do something, just tell me!
Larry's reflection: You've got to change the diet, I've told you about that. I don't want the red meat, you're eating the red meat. I don't like that!
Larry: I'm doing the best I can.
Larry's reflection: Go to a doctor. Get yourself a checkup. Colonoscopy, you afraid to get a colonoscopy? What's the matter with you?
Larry: I'm sorry.
Larry's reflection: Everybody gets it! Get a colonoscopy!
Larry: I'm really going to do it.
Larry's reflection: You got your father-in-law's birthday coming up. You going to get a card?
Larry: [nodding] Okay.
Larry's reflection: You're not going to get a card! You're not going to do a fucking thing!
Larry: I'll try and do better. I will.
Larry's reflection: TV! TV! TV! That's what you like to do! Read a fucking book!
Larry: Okay, yeah, you're right! You know everything!
Larry's reflection: Who the fuck do you think you're talking to!
Thor The Wrestler: I've got three kids in there scared half to death because some bald headed *turd* is shootin' at 'em!
Larry: No, sir, we were, we were... we were playing cowboys and indians...
Thor The Wrestler: Hey, you heard of Columbine? It's idiots like you that cause this whole society to be going crazy with violence!
Larry: No, I'm not a violent...
Thor The Wrestler: Shut up! You know what's you're looking at? You are looking at 245 pounds of twisted steel and drop-your-bony-butt-to-the-curb appeal. I will *body slam* you so hard that you will poop your bald pants. Hear me? Don't you ever... ever... *ever* point another finger at my kids again, because if you do, I will break it off and shove it right up your sphincter.
Larry David: [considering whether he should give one of his kidneys to Richard Lewis] I gotta choose healthier friends...
Leon Black: Barack Obama! I'm the president of hittin' that ass!
Larry David: Not one Spanish person has figured out that piñata is a sick fucking game?
Richard Lewis: [after Larry asks for his meditating style back] No, you can't be an East Indian giver.
Susie Greene: [Larry steals the head of a doll from Jeff's daughter's collection] You fat fuck! And you bald piece of shit! Where's the fucking head?
Wanda: I thought I'd never say this but Larry is right
Larry David: [watching Girls Gone Wild] What do you mean you're not going to pause it?
Jeff Greene: I'm not a pauser, I don't like pausing.
Larry David: Well, that's rude, I'll miss it.
Jeff Greene: I'll rewind it when you come back.
Larry David: Yeah, but I can see when you rewind and it'll give it away!
Jeff Greene: There's no story! Give what away? There's bosoms! That's it!
[Larry has just offended a rabbi]
Nat David: He doesn't know what he's doing.
Cheryl's Mom: He really doesn't.
Cheryl: No, he's...
Larry: What do they say in The Bible? "He knows not... whereof he... "
Rabbi: Don't try, don't try to quote The Bible.
Larry: "... he speaks not?... "
Rabbi: Just, just don't try...
Larry: "... forked tongue?... He knows not whereof he... whence he speaks?... "
Cheryl's Mom: Okay!
Nat David: Larry... if you could be quiet.
Richard: You're looking at my girlfriend's breasts!
Larry: First of all, Richard, they're not breasts. They're not breasts, they're just big chemical balls, okay?
Larry David: [to Cheryl, while they are sitting, waiting for the Dansons to call] They could at least lie to us. You know, call us and lie! We don't want to sit here like schmucks. A lie is a gesture, it's a courtesy, it's a little respect. This is very disrespectful.
Krazee-Eyez Killa: So you think you gonna cross me and mess with my shit? Opening your fucking trap and flapping your lip. Don't fuck with me nigga or you gonna get dropped. I'll snap off your neck with a crackle and pop. If you say anything, you'll beg me to die, 'cause I'll make you suck my dick then I'll nut in your eye. I'll stomp on your world as if my name was Godzilla. I'm coming for you mother fucker, I'm your Krazee-Eyez Killa.
Larry David: Have you ever played telephone before? You don't even know how to play telephone, do you?
Cheryl: I *do* know how to play telephone.
Larry David: Oh, do you?
Cheryl: Yeah, but I usually play the "G" version. It's usually something like, "Susie lives down the lane."
Larry David: The kid didn't say "Susie lives down the lane," he said "I love tits!"
Ervin Schwimmer: [voice on Larry's answering machine] Larry David, this is Ervin Schwimmer. You scumsucking, motherfucking asshole! Just who the fuck do you think you are, you bald-headed son of a bitch?
Krazee-Eyez Killa: You ain't got no etiquette, muthafucka!
Susie Greene: Get the fuck out of my house, Larry!
Girl: [a girl hugs Larry for fixing her doll and Larry has just stuffed a water bottle in his pants] Mommy, mommy! The bald man's in the bathroom and there's something hard in his pants!
Larry: Alright, let's roll!
Rabbi: What? "Let's roll"? What did you say?
Rabbi: You knew my brother-in-law died on September 11th! How dare you say something like that!
Larry: With all due respect, wasn't that just a coincidence?
Rabbi: Oh, what the...
Larry: Alright, poor choice of words...
Rabbi: What the hell kind of a...
Larry: Alright, that's long gone...
Rabbi: You know, I don't wanna do this. Forget it. Forget it.
Larry: Oh, I didn't know, I didn't know that if you, that if you, you died UPTOWN on 9/11 that it was, that it was part of it, uh... the tragedy.
[Larry and Cheryl - and their parents - are talking to the rabbi about renewing their vows]
Rabbi: Right, so then uh, I'll, uh... do the blessing, uh, the last blessing, just a little bit of Hebrew, and then I will put the glass on the floor, and we'll step on it, and that'll be it.
Cheryl's Dad: That's when everybody yells "a matzoh toff"?
Rabbi: No no, it's "mazeltov". It means good luck.
Cheryl's Dad: Could we say "yippee!" or something?
Cheryl's Mom: Or "good luck" or something?
Cheryl's Dad: "Hallelujah" would be good.
Larry: [Larry is making small talk during a long, boring car ride with Cheryl] You ever had a fresh grape? Huh? I've had... I've had fresh *apples*. Never had a fresh *grape*. Never... had a fresh *cherry*. Never had a fresh *pear*. Never *seen* a pear. Never saw a pear outside of a fruit stand.
Larry David: The whole cashew-raisin balance is askew!
Richard Lewis: I'm a lucky man. I'm a lucky man to have the two of you guys come through for me. Thank you.
Larry David: So, there you go, you got your choice. Two kidneys. Of course, you know I, uh, I am considerably older than him. I'm not gonna, I don't wanna get into that whole game but, you know, he's, there's a difference when you're younger obviously.
Richard Lewis: Eh, a kidney is a kidney is a kidney.
Larry David: Ah ha ha, I'm not so sure about that, though. You know, whatever. His are bigger, too. It's a big hefty kidney, could just handle a big load I think, you know. You could start drinking again if you wanted to with that thing!
Richard Lewis: That, uh, that hurt my feelings a little bit. 11 years sober? Thank you.
Colby: [at dinner with the survivors] So, here we are in a region of Australia where, out of the world's ten most deadly snakes, nine of 'em inhabit this region. It was harrowing. You come across a taipan on the trail, you get bit, you're dead in thirty minutes flat.
Solly: Oy, I'll tell you, that's a very interesting story, let me tell you. I was in a concentration camp! You never even suffered one minute in your life compared to what I went through!
Colby: Look, I'm saying- I'm saying we spent 42 days trying to survive and we had very little rations, no snacks...
Solly: Snacks? What you talking, "snacks"? We didn't eat sometimes for a week! For a month! We ate nothing!...
Colby: I couldn't even work out when I was over there. They certainly didn't have a gym.
Solly: A *what*?
Colby: I mean, I wore my sneakers out and the next thing you know, I got a pair of flip-flops!
Colby: We sleep on the ground, on the dirt, okay? 118 degrees during the day, 98 at night with 98 percent humidity!
Solly: 45 degrees below zero!
Colby: Did you guys have a bathroom?
Solly: A bathroom? We had twelve people at a time would go and shit...!
Colby: Well, I'm sure you had toilet paper.
Solly: We had newspaper!
Colby: We had mosquitos.
Solly: Mosquito? You see this glass eye? Eh? Eh?
Colby: Have you even seen the show?
Solly: Did you ever see *our* show? It was called the Holocaust!
Susie Greene: [about Jeff] He *violates* me, Larry! He defiles me!
[in the women's room, which Larry had to use, he puts his water bottle in his pants instead of the trash to avoid being recognized]
Producer's daughter: [enters] Hi, mister. Thanks for fixing my doll.
Larry David: Aww, don't worry about it sweetheart.
Producer's daughter: [looks at him, scared, and runs out] Mommy, mommy. The old man's in the bathroom, and he's got something hard in his pants.
[upon finding out his birth parents are Christian]
Larry David: Oh, my God. I'm gentile.
Kim: An hour. In and out. Done. Boobs. Genius.