Raleigh: [after reading a private investigator's research on Margot's background, which reveals she's been a smoker since she was 12, she married a man in Jamaica at 19, has had numerous affairs and one-night stands with men and women, including Eli Cash] She smokes.
[in a hospital ward]
Chas: Why did you try to kill yourself?
Ethel: Don't press him right now.
Richie: I wrote a suicide note.
Chas: You did?
Richie: Yeah. Right after I regained consciousness.
Chas: Can we read it?
Chas: Can you paraphrase it for us?
Richie: I don't think so.
Chas: Is it dark?
Richie: Of course it's dark, it's a suicide note.
Royal: Anybody interested in grabbing a couple of burgers and hittin' the cemetery?
[Royal motions to Pagoda]
Royal: He saved my life, you know. Thirty years ago. I was knifed at a bazaar in Calcutta, and he carried me to the hospital on his back.
Ari: Who stabbed you?
[Royal motions to Pagoda again]
Royal: He did. There was a price on my head, and he was a hired assassin. Stuck me in the gut with a shiv.
Royal Tenenbaum's epitaph: Royal O'Reilly Tenenbaum 1932-2001 Died Tragically Rescuing His Family From The Wreckage Of A Destroyed Sinking Battleship
Royal: I'm very sorry for your loss. Your mother was a terribly attractive woman.
Margot: I think we're just gonna to have to be secretly in love with each other and leave it at that, Richie.
[Royal's fake terminal illness has been exposed and he is being thrown out of the house]
Royal: Look, I know I'm going to be the bad guy on this one, but I just want to say the last six days have been the best six days of probably my whole life.
Narrator: Immediately after making this statement, Royal realized that it was true.
Tennis Match Commentator #1: That's 72 unforced errors for Richie Tenebaum. He's playing the worst tennis of his life. What's he feeling right now, Tex Hayward?
Tex Hayward: I don't know, Jim. There's obviously something wrong with him. He's taken off his shoes and one of his socks and... actually, I think he's crying.
Eli: Well, everyone knows Custer died at Little Bighorn. What this book presupposes is... maybe he didn't.
Royal: Let's shag ass.
Eli: [reading part of his newest novel at a press conference] The crickets and the rust-beetles scuttled among the nettles of the sage thicket. "Vámonos, amigos," he whispered, and threw the busted leather flintcraw over the loose weave of the saddlecock. And they rode on in the friscalating dusklight.
Richie: I'm going to kill myself tomorrow.
Royal: I've always been considered an asshole for about as long as I can remember. That's just my style. But I'd really feel blue if I didn't think you were going to forgive me.
Henry Sherman: I don't think you're an asshole, Royal. I just think you're kind of a son of a bitch.
Royal: Well, I really appreciate that.
Young Chas Tenenbaum: [about Margot's play] Well, what'd you think, Dad?
Royal: Didn't seem believable to me.
Royal: Why are you wearing pajamas? Do you live here?
Young Richie Tenenbaum: He has permission to sleep over.
Young Chas Tenenbaum: Well, did you at least think the characters were well developed?
Royal: What characters? This is a bunch of little kids dressed up in animal costumes.
Young Margot Tenenbaum: Good night, everyone.
Royal: Well, sweetie, don't be mad at me. That's just one man's opinion.
[Margot gets up and gathers her presents just as Ethel comes in with the birthday cake and everyone starts singing Happy Birthday, which trails off as she leaves the room. Ethel glares at Royal]
Narrator: He had not been invited to any of their parties since.
Narrator: All memory of the brilliance of the young Tenenbaums had been erased by two decades of betrayal, failure and disaster.
[Richie tells his father Royal he's in love with Margot, his adopted sister]
Royal: Margot Tenenbaum?
Royal: Well, since when?
Richie: Since always.
Royal: Does she know?
Royal: Well, what does she feel about that?
Richie: I think she feels confused.
Royal: Well, I can understand that, it's probably illegal!
Richie: I don't think so, we're not related by blood.
Royal: That's true. It's still frowned upon. But then, what isn't these days, right?
Dudley Heinsbergen: [pointing at the battered Gypsy Cab] That cab has a dent in it.
[the family is gathered at the cemetery]
Narrator: Among the few possessions he left to his heirs was a set of Encyclopedia Britannica in storage at the Lindbergh Palace Hotel under the names Ari and Uzi Tenenbaum. No-one spoke at the funeral, and Father Petersen's leg had not yet mended, but it was agreed among them that Royal would have found the event to be most satisfactory.
[Chas, now wearing a blac Adidas tracksuit, nods to his sons]
[Ari and Uzi, also in black Adidas tracksuits, fire their air rifles into the air]
[they fire again]
Eli: Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you?
Royal: Are you trying to steal my woman?
Henry Sherman: I beg your pardon?
Royal: You heard me, Coltrane.
Henry Sherman: Coltrane?
Henry Sherman: Did you just call me Coltrane?
Henry Sherman: You didn't?
Henry Sherman: Okay.
[he turns away]
Royal: But if I did... you wouldn't be able to do anything about it, would you?
Henry Sherman: You don't think so?
Royal: No, I don't.
Henry Sherman: Listen, Royal, if you think you can just march in here...
Royal: You wanna talk some jive? I'll talk some jive. I'll talk some jive like you never heard!
Royal: Got a minute?
Ethel: [startled] What are you doing here?
Royal: Uh, I need a favour. I want to spend some time with you and the children.
Ethel: Are you crazy?
[she carries on walking]
Royal: Well, wait a minute, dammit!
Ethel: Stop following me!
Royal: Well, I want my family back.
Ethel: Well, you can't have it! I'm sorry for you, but it's too late.
Royal: Well, listen... Baby, I'm dying.
Royal: Yeah, I-I'm sick as a dog. I'll be dead in six weeks. I'm dying.
Ethel: What are you talking about? What's happening? Oh, I'm sorry... I didn't know...
Ethel: Well, what'd they say? What is the prognosis?
Royal: [trying to comfort her] Take it easy, Ethel. Now, hold on, baby, hold on. Hold on, OK?
[she starts wailing]
Ethel: Where is the doctor?
Royal: Well, look, just wait a second now. Wait a second. OK, uh, listen, I'm not dying... but I need some time. A month or so. OK? I want us to-to...
[she slaps him hard]
Ethel: WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? Are you crazy?
[she walks off]
Royal: Ethel, baby... I am dying.
[she comes back to him]
Ethel: Are you or aren't you?
Royal: What? Dying? Yeah.
[Pagoda stabs Royal]
Royal: That's the last time you put a knife in me! Y'hear me?
[Royal is telling his children that he and their mother are splitting up]
Young Margot Tenenbaum: Is it our fault?
Royal: No, no. Obviously, we made certain sacrifices as a result of having children, but no, Lord, no.
Young Richie Tenenbaum: Then why'd she ask you to leave?
Royal: I don't really know anymore. Maybe, uh, I wasn't as true to her as I could have been.
Young Chas Tenenbaum: Well, she said...
Royal: Let's just drop it, shall we, Chassie?
Royal: [to Chas] Well... you sued me... twice. Got me disbarred. I don't hold it against you, do I?
[cut to Chas and Royal in court, sitting with their lawyers in front of the Judge]
Judge: And how is it possible for Mr. Tenenbaum to withdraw these funds without your written authorization?
Royal: Objection, Your Honor. Damn it, I...
Royal's Lawyer: Why don't you leave the objections to me, Royal?
Chas: Because I started the corporation when I was a minor. So, my father was the primary signatory on most of my accounts.
[Chas' lawyer whispers in his ear]
Chas: He also stole bonds out of my safety deposit box when I was fourteen.
[Royal looks at Chas, then back at the judge. He chuckles uncomfortably]
Royal: [back in present day, to Chas] You think you could start forgiving me?
Chas: Why should I?
Royal: Because you're hurting me.
Royal: Hell of a damn grave. Wish it were mine.
[after the fire drill]
Chas: Four minutes, forty-eight seconds. We're all dead. Burned to a crisp.
Chas: Please don't get in the middle of this, Mr. Sherman. This is a family matter.
Margot: Don't talk to him like that.
Henry Sherman: Call me Henry.
Chas: I prefer Mr. Sherman.
Ethel: Call him Henry.
Chas: Why? I don't know him that well.
Ethel: You've known him for 10 years.
Chas: As your accountant, Mr. Sherman, yes.
Royal: First thing I want to do is take you out to see your grandmother, at some point.
Richie: I haven't been out there since I was 6.
Margot: I haven't been out there at all, I was never invited.
Royal: Well, she wasn't your real grandmother, and I never knew how much interest you had, uh, sweetie. Anyway, you're invited now.
Richie: You know, Rachael's buried out there too.
Chas: My wife.
Royal: Oh, that's right, isn't it. Well, we'll have to swing by her grave too.
[Chas slams his book shut and angrily walks out]
Ethel: Raleigh says you've been spending 6 hours a day locked in here, watching television and soaking in the tub.
Margot: [lying in the bath] I doubt that.
Ethel: Well, I don't think that's very healthy, do you? Nor do I think it's very intelligent to keep an electrical gadget on the edge of the bathtub.
Margot: I tie it to the radiator.
Peter Bradley: [interviewing Eli Cash on television] Now, your previous novel...
Eli: Yes, Wildcat.
Peter Bradley: Not a success. Why?
Eli: Well... Wildcat was written in a kind of obsolete vernacular...
[long pause as he starts to become spaced out]
Eli: [whispering] Wildcat... wild... cat... pow... wildcat...
[he gets up]
Eli: I'm gonna go. I'm taking this off and I'm going. Stepping out.
Royal: [watching the television] What the hell kind of way to act is that?
Richie: He's on drugs.
Narrator: Royal Tenenbaum bought the house on Archer Avenue in the winter of his 35th year. Over the next decade, he and his wife had three children, and then they separated.
Richie: Read it back to me so far, Pietro.
Cote d'Ivoire Radio Operator: [speaks with an Italian accent, his words are shown in subtitles] "Dear Eli, I'm in the middle of the ocean. I haven't left my room in four days. I've never been more lonely in my life, and I think I'm in love with Margot."
Richie: New paragraph.
Royal: [laying some flowers on the grave of his mother - Helen O'Reilly Tenenbaum, 1899-1954] She was a tough old broad, wasn't she?
Chas: I wouldn't know. Excuse me.
[he starts to head off with his sons Ari and Uzi to visit their mother's grave]
Royal: Oh, that's right, we've got another body buried here, haven't we?
Richie: I think he's very lonely. Lonelier than he lets on. Maybe lonelier than he even realizes.
Ethel: Have you spoken to him about this?
Richie: Briefly. And he agreed that...
Chas: I'm sorry, maybe I'm a little confused here. What are you suggesting?
Richie: That he come here and stay in my room.
Chas: Are you out of your mind?
Richie: No. I'm not. Anyway I think he'd be much more comfortable here than at...
Chas: Who gives a shit?
Richie: I do.
Chas: You poor sucker. You poor, washed up papa's boy.
[after seeing Royal asleep on a hospital bed with a heart monitor and IV at his bedside]
Chas: Get out.
Royal: [to Etheline, about Henry] I didn't think so much of him at first. But now I get it, he's everything that I'm not.
[Henry has gathered the family into Royal's room]
Henry Sherman: Pagoda has something to say.
Pagoda: [points at Royal] He has a cancer.
Henry Sherman: No, he doesn't. I know what stomach cancer looks like. I've seen it. And you don't eat three cheeseburgers a day with french fries if you got it. The pain is excruciating.
Royal: How would you know?
Henry Sherman: My wife had it. Not only is there no Dr. McClure at Colby General, there is no Colby General. It closed in 1974.
Royal: [getting out of bed] Aw, shit, man.
Pagoda: Oh, shit, man.
Young Richie Tenenbaum: Go Mordecai!
Royal: [seeing Ethel with Henry for the first time] Look at that old grizzly bear.
Royal: I got a pretty bad case of cancer.
Chas: [yawns] How long you gonna last?
Royal: Not long.
Chas: A month? A year?
Royal: About six weeks. Let me get to the point, the three of you and your mother are all I've got and I love you more than anything.
[Chas scoffs and mock laughs]
Royal: Chas, let me finish here. I've got six weeks to set things right with you and I aim to do it. Will you give me a chance?
Royal: Do you speak for everyone?
Chas: I speak for myself.
Chas: Looks like you and Dad are back together again, huh.
Richie: He's your dad too, Chas.
Chas: No, he's not.
Richie: Yes, he is.
Chas: You really hate me, don't you?
Richie: No. I don't. I love you.
Chas: Well, I don't know what you think you're gonna get out of this, but believe me, whatever it is, it's not worth it.
Richie: Chas. I don't want to hurt you. I know what you and the boys have been through. You're my brother and I love you.
Chas: Stop saying that!
Chas: Please don't come in this room.
[Chas Tenenbaum and his sons enter his mother's house with several bags]
Etheline Tenenbaum: Chas? What's going on?
Chas: We got locked out of our apartment.
Etheline Tenenbaum: Well, did you call a locksmith?
Chas: Uh huh.
Etheline Tenenbaum: Well, I don't understand. Did you pack your bags before you got locked out?
[During a war game with BB guns]
Royal: [on top of a roof, aiming at Chas] Hold it Chassie. Hold it right there.
Young Chas Tenenbaum: What are you doing? You're on my team!
Royal: Ha-ha! There are no teams!
[he shoots at Chas, hitting his hand. Chas screams in pain and shoots back at him. Royal laughs as he ducks out of the way]
Narrator: The BB was still lodged between two knuckles in Chas's left hand.
Eli: [immediately after landing in the front room after crashing his car into the house] Where's my shoe?
[on cue, Dudley retrieves his shoe]