Baby: If you ain't livin' you're dyin', Earl. I wanna live.

Baby: You mad, Earl?

Earl: No, Baby, I ain't mad at you. I'm pretty sure Junior ain't gonna be none to happy with it, though.

Baby: Earl Crest, you better get over here. I can't be no soap opera actress if I'm missin' digits!

Baby: Wait 'til I tell Raylene I was interrogated by the police for killin' Tinker Johnson. She'll be so jealous.

Tinker: [smashing the radio off the truck with a golf club] That's right, who's your daddy now, Mr. Panasonic.

Earl: [voiceover] I don't know for sure exactly how Andy got elected six months ago in the first place, but all I do know is that nobody meant for it to happen. It's like the ugly girl in high school who gets picked for prom queen. It ain't nice, but some a-hole thinks it's funny and nominates her, and then other people start voting for her thinking no one else is gonna and pretty soon, KAPOW!, the school is stuck with Sheriff Andy for prom queen.

Tinker: Junior, you're so stupid, they had to burn down the school just to get you out of third grade.

Earl: You ever get the feeling you're, like, being watched, Baby?

Baby: You mean by horny guys?

Tinker: [to the pizza delivery boy] You can hide, but you can't run! I mean, you can run but you can't... oh, I'm gonna KILL you!

Baby: After work I think I'm gonna go home and change.

Earl: I don't see the point though, Baby. You just can't improve on perfection.

Earl: If it wasn't for Baby, I'd have drowned you in that river.

Junior: Well, for your information, EARL, I can swim!

Jimbo: Lord, Junior, what happened to your face?

Junior: Uh... I fell?

Jimbo: Off a building?

Junior: No.

[thinks about it]

Junior: Yeah!

Tinker: Don't shoot me! I love your people; Ricky Martin's great. Yo quiero Taco Bell.

Wayne: Smyrna, Earl's kissing his sister again.

Earl: God damn it, Wayne, I really wish you would stop calling her that.

Baby: Earl Crest, don't you know it ain't polite to stare?

Earl: Well, Baby, it's only natural for a man to stare when he sees the prettiest gal west of Mississippi.

Baby: Just west?

Baby: Damn, Earl, you're twenty-three going on eighty!

Tinker: I don't got nothing to say.

Earl: Well, that's good, 'cause I was planning on doing most of the talking anyhow.

Tinker: I'm gonna kick the shit out of you, Earl.

Earl: So you said, Tinker.

Doctor: Well, you need to tell that idiot who shot you that he better take some shooting lessons!

Earl: Now, don't be TOO disappointed, Doc.

Doctor: Now you be careful, Earl, or else my grandson might just steal that pretty gal of yours away from you.

Jimbo: Gramps, I ain't gonna steal Earl's gal, I'm gay.

Doctor: That Flossie's one hell of a girl, don't you think?

Jimbo: Gramps... I'm GAY.

Doctor: I hear ya.

Jimbo: Oh, just forget it.

Jimbo: I'm gonna kill Tinker for shooting you.

Earl: Well, Jimbo, I think Baby already beat you to it.

Baby: Damn right.

Baby: You want me to come with you? It's my day off.

Earl: No, Baby, I don't intend on killing anyone today, so your services won't be needed.

Baby: [to Tinker] Didn't I kill you once already today, boy?

[to Baby, who is tied and helpless]

Tinker: You know somethin'? You're one fine lookin' woman. There's only one thing I like better than a fine lookin' woman - it's a fine lookin' woman bound and gagged.

Tinker: Oh girl, you got a behind on you that reminds me of two five pounds of sugar and, wouldn't ya know it, I got me a sweet tooth.

Tinker: Tape her hands behind her back.

Baby: Earl Crest, don't you dare!

Earl: I'm sorry, angel.

Baby: Tinker, you're still just a damn idiot, ain't ya? How'd they like that small willie of yours in prison, anyhow?

Tinker: Tape her mouth shut, too!

Baby: Once an idiot, always an idiot, I say. Ain't that right, Earl?

[Earl tears off a strip of duct tape]

Baby: Earl, I'm serious this time, you do this...

Earl: Look, I'm sorry, Angel

[Earl gags Baby by duct taping her mouth shut]

Tinker: [Baby shouts at Tinker but she is muffled by her gag] I like you a hell of a lot better like this

Tinker: I hate you, Earl!

Earl: Junior, you are so dumb.

Junior: I'm not dumb. YOU'RE dumb.

Junior: I lied.

Jimbo: No kidding.

Tinker: They're gonna shoot us like fish in a bowl the minute we walk in the door.

Earl: Well, maybe we'll get lucky, Tinker, and they'll only shoot you!

Mr. Smith: Ain't no point in y'all arguing. You're all gonna die.

Juan Vasquez: I'm gonna shoot your psycho chick.

Baby: Oh, you better not!

Baby: [to Junior] You shot my fiancé, now I'm gonna show you how it feels.

[picks up the gun]

Earl: Uh, baby? Would you mind putting off shooting Junior until after you take me to see Doc Cragen?

Baby: [throws the gun off somewhere in the tall grass] Whatever you say, honey.

Baby: Hey.

Earl: Hey yourself.

Baby: How you feeling?

Earl: I'm feeling all right... all bullet wounds considered.

Earl: [voiceover] Now, I asked myself why in the world would I continue to try and help a retard like Junior who, in the Darwinian view of things, was only gonna get hisself selected against eventually anyway.

Earl: Hey, we going to bowl or what?

Jimbo: What's the point, Earl?

Earl: Well, the point is beer. That's the point!

Jimbo: Look, I'll tell you what... I'll buy you and Baby all the beer in the world and I'll just call it a going away present. How about that, Earl?

Tinker: I told you I was going to kill ya, didn't I?

Earl: Don't you think we've been through enough for one night, Tinker?

Tinker: It ain't enough until I said "it's enough". And I ain't said "it's enough". Well I... I said "it's enough", but it ain't enough.

Junior: This cell phone's better than my pinkie finger any day.

[Junior accidentally shoots Earl in the leg]

Earl: Oh... dammit, Junior!

Jimbo: Do you think he's gay?

Earl: Have my doubts, Jimbo.

Baby: [to Jimbo] You better keep his ass in line.

Earl: Don't touch my girl, Juan.

Earl: Someone famous once said. Being fearless was the same as being stupid; that havin' courage didn't mean that you ain't afraid.

Earl: That havin' courage didn't mean that you ain't afraid.

Earl: Rather havin' courage meant being afraid but still being able to do what needs to be done inspite of it.