Baby: If you ain't livin' you're dyin', Earl. I wanna live.
Baby: Earl Crest, you better get over here. I can't be no soap opera actress if I'm missin' digits!
Baby: Wait 'til I tell Raylene I was interrogated by the police for killin' Tinker Johnson. She'll be so jealous.
Tinker: [smashing the radio off the truck with a golf club] That's right, who's your daddy now, Mr. Panasonic.
Earl: [voiceover] I don't know for sure exactly how Andy got elected six months ago in the first place, but all I do know is that nobody meant for it to happen. It's like the ugly girl in high school who gets picked for prom queen. It ain't nice, but some a-hole thinks it's funny and nominates her, and then other people start voting for her thinking no one else is gonna and pretty soon, KAPOW!, the school is stuck with Sheriff Andy for prom queen.
Tinker: Junior, you're so stupid, they had to burn down the school just to get you out of third grade.
Tinker: [to the pizza delivery boy] You can hide, but you can't run! I mean, you can run but you can't... oh, I'm gonna KILL you!
Tinker: Don't shoot me! I love your people; Ricky Martin's great. Yo quiero Taco Bell.
Baby: Damn, Earl, you're twenty-three going on eighty!
Baby: [to Tinker] Didn't I kill you once already today, boy?
[to Baby, who is tied and helpless]
Tinker: You know somethin'? You're one fine lookin' woman. There's only one thing I like better than a fine lookin' woman - it's a fine lookin' woman bound and gagged.
Tinker: Oh girl, you got a behind on you that reminds me of two five pounds of sugar and, wouldn't ya know it, I got me a sweet tooth.
Tinker: Tape her hands behind her back.
Baby: Earl Crest, don't you dare!
Earl: I'm sorry, angel.
Baby: Tinker, you're still just a damn idiot, ain't ya? How'd they like that small willie of yours in prison, anyhow?
Tinker: Tape her mouth shut, too!
Baby: Once an idiot, always an idiot, I say. Ain't that right, Earl?
[Earl tears off a strip of duct tape]
Baby: Earl, I'm serious this time, you do this...
Earl: Look, I'm sorry, Angel
[Earl gags Baby by duct taping her mouth shut]
Tinker: [Baby shouts at Tinker but she is muffled by her gag] I like you a hell of a lot better like this
Tinker: I hate you, Earl!
Mr. Smith: Ain't no point in y'all arguing. You're all gonna die.
Earl: [voiceover] Now, I asked myself why in the world would I continue to try and help a retard like Junior who, in the Darwinian view of things, was only gonna get hisself selected against eventually anyway.
Junior: This cell phone's better than my pinkie finger any day.
[Junior accidentally shoots Earl in the leg]
Earl: Oh... dammit, Junior!
Baby: [to Jimbo] You better keep his ass in line.
Earl: Don't touch my girl, Juan.
Earl: Someone famous once said. Being fearless was the same as being stupid; that havin' courage didn't mean that you ain't afraid.
Earl: That havin' courage didn't mean that you ain't afraid.
Earl: Rather havin' courage meant being afraid but still being able to do what needs to be done inspite of it.