Gumby: I am Gumby, dammit!

Gumby: What's Christmas without the kids, huh? Kids, wanna hear Gumby tell you a Christmas story?

Kids: Yeah!

Gumby: Then gather around and keep your damn mouths shut. Here's a little story, it's called, "The Night After Christmas". "It was the day after Christmas, the world was peaceful and calm. Santa Claus had been delivering toys all night and his back hurt him so. He was very tired so he went to his kitchen and fixed himself a cup of Swiss Miss Hot Chocolate. Just then an elf named Fred came up and said, 'Excuse me, St. Nick, can I have a sip of your hot chocolate?' Santa went crazy. He grabbed the elf and tore his lungs out. The end." Merry Christmas, boys and girls. You like that?

Little Girl: You're mean, Mr. Gumby. I was on the Andy Williams Christmas show and he was nice.

Gumby: Oh, you want Andy Williams? Come on. Let's go. You wanna be on the Andy Williams Christmas Special? Andy Williams is a nice man? Well listen to me, Kid, Andy is in Los Angeles. That's about 800 miles. Start walking!

[Slams the door]

Gumby: About 20 minutes in the freezing cold, she'll be begging to be on the Gumby special.

Frank Sinatra: I know your many wonderful, marvelous friends in the world of animation. Now they could not be here tonight, but I bring you the greetings in song.

[Singing]

Frank Sinatra: Flintstones, meet the Flinstones/You're a hip, stone-age family. Hey, Barney, I'm talking Bedrock/When who knew from a Christmas tree/We'll have a good time/A Yabba Dooby-Doo time/We'll have a gay, it's a groovy time! Wilma!

Frank Sinatra: [Singing] Ha ha ha ha ha/Ha ha ha ha ha, it's the Woody Woodpecker song. I'm laughing/Ha ha ha ha ha/Pecker song. Alright, alright, cut the cartoon crap. It's Christmas.

Gumby: Merry Christmas everybody. And to my producer, my director, my manager and my lawyer, Happy Hanukkah, boys!

Santa: What's up with me? What's down with you and what's under with him? He wants a bike, she wants a dolly and I want you to get out of my face before I smack you with a stocking full of D-cell batteries.

Dad: You guys should have a better screening process for hiring Santas. You can start with the urine tests.

Santa: Sir, where am I supposed to get work? You gonna hire a man looking for work who just did 12 years for home invasion and murder?

Boy: Daddy, is Santa going to jail?

Dad: No, Son, he's not really Santa.

Boy: Is there no Santa?

Santa: See that, Sir? Now you got a kid who thinks there's no Santa. You happy?

Dad: I'd rather have him believe in no Santa, than in a Santa who does 12 years for home invasion and murder.

Santa: Sir, yes it's true, I've done time. But when you think about it, what does Santa do every year than committ a form of home invasion? A very loving and generous form of home invasion, yes, but still home invasion. And as for murder, well I can't think of any good reason to justify that.

Dad: My kid used to love Santa. He saw that Tim Allen movie 10 times.

Santa: Kid, I did time with Tim Allen. He's always been real people, bro, but he ain't no Santa Claus.