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  • Its title suggests latter-day cowboy action of the fish-out-of-water Billy Crystal variety, but this early hardcore feature offers nothing of the sort. The "Ranch" is merely an L.A. brothel, site for a most dubious 1-day wonder.

    A comic operetta Russian named Boris Balsitch arrives with his assistant Jack Ticklewell (what creative naming!) to be serviced at the brothel, run by early porn matriarch Judy Angel. She has a handyman named Long John who's tall, but his flaccid cock is most unimpressive, unless one digs staring at a pesky foreskin. He doesn't die, but definitely humps with his boots on.

    Film consists of boring sex scenes, mainly out by the pool where four rather unattractive whores (including a mulatto girl for mixed-combo action) service the aforementioned three guys. One of the ugliest of the women has huge natural tits, which become the dominant contrast in closeup during a softcore interlude with the Russian.

    After way overstaying its welcome (70-minute running time is at least a full reel over the 1-day wonder limit), Boris leaves with a prostitute named China (she's not Oriental) who he plans to take home with him to the Motherland, eliciting Angel's final comment on her contribution to "foreign exchange". That's all she wrote.

    Reb Sawitz plays the Russian -he's a particularly unappealing porn actor who previously singlehandedly sabotaged the porn film HARRY HARD, DETECTIVE in the title role.

    Most unusual aspect of this farrago is the complete absence of any money shots, despite plentiful XXX penetration footage. One presumes these limp-dicked actors couldn't deliver for the camera, or perhaps a creepy projectionist clipped these payoffs for his own CINEMA PARADISO styled personal collection.